The Experience of Overcoming Fear

     Every time I get home from work, there's a rocky, pothole-filled hill I skateboard down to get to my street. I've fallen on this hill, split my face open, got a gash over my right eye and a mild concussion. I've fallen on this hill another time, done a superman slide and scraped my knees and hands. I've had visions of accidents upon this hill long before the first one ever happened. Once every third time that I come home I have to walk and carry my longboard down this hill, from being too exhausted to board, from the road being too slick, from too much traffic. Cars are the biggest fear on the hill. It picks up speed fast, and there are no brakes on a skateboard. The hill goes down and then up again, which means a car that appears at the top of the hill will reach the bottom juuuuust as the skateboard rider is at their highest speed. This scares me. Every time I stumble, crunch out, shoulder-roll, run off the board my fear receptors turn on and the rest of my senses are activated. Fear is a wakening experience. Olfactory glands are stronger and the ability to interpret smells picks up. I'm able to determine how far the trees have turned to winter, from the smell of leaves. The moisture in the air tingles my skin and everything physical wants to think on its own. The mind knows fear. The body only knows action. Fear comes from thinking ahead. From worrying about things you can't possibly know yet. The future. Being able to glide down a hill involves letting the body take over on thinking, to turn the mind off. Every time I take a hill the fear receptors fire off, and then turn to excitement from the entire parasympathetic system activating.

     We are driven by Fear or Love in this world. Everything we do is from fear or love. That which we fear we can hide from, project security shields, ignore, rationalize away, destroy, vilify. That which we love we will seek, try to generate, protect and maintain. Every time I open conversation with a stranger there's a tingle, the same kind of tingle that comes from launching down a hill. Somewhere fear receptors got wired with action-anticipation receptors and overcoming hesitation has caused my mind to grow. A few years ago I took on a rock climbing wall on a cruise ship. I'd never done this before and it looked dangerous. I spent 20 minutes watching a peak athlete who was an expert in rock-climbing and rappelling. He made it look easy. I was certain I could mimic his movements, but modify them for my frame. Like Marvel's Taskmaster. I knew if I hesitated, slowed down, the fear would grow inside of me and perhaps I would not try this wall. I rushed up during the excitement of the moment, did my best to run up the side of the wall until I slipped. Upon slipping my hands flew out and the actual climbing began. Every time fear gripped me, I jumped forward into the most instinctive action. By the time I reached the top of the rock wall, I was terrified, but didn't know it. I looked around, my body was on fire. My muscles were pulsing. The view was amazing. The air was so clear, I could smell the ocean, the ash from the ship's smokestack. I could identify the carbon monoxide from the grease in the steam, from the ocean air. My mind acknowledged that finally I'd made it to the top. In that second consciousness kicked in and with it, fear. I was afraid of being up high. I let go, rappelled down the side of the wall, riding the excitement, the gravity, focused on the physical sensation. Fear disappeared until I reached the ground.

     The ground was steady under my feet, as I drew myself in and out of fear-and-success memories, letting the energy take me wherever it wanted. Later that night, sitting and chatting with a couple of beautiful women in one of the ship's lounges, their husbands rolled up on me. Pissed. Back to the top of the wall spot again. I slapped hands with them, joked and talked until they grew stiff, realizing they were playing my game. Guess they were better at posing in the gym than performing in real life because the whole interaction became a tense arena and instead of fear, I felt absolute clarity. My body was in thought, my moment was mine. I didn't push my boundaries, recognized why these men would have hostile intentions towards me. Didn't take it personally, resisted the urge to humiliate them both for kicks. Figured the photos their wives had taken with me on their respective digital cameras would do enough just before they were deleted, and I had to leave before the current did. The whole interaction took maybe 10 minutes, before I moved on, sensing my escape time. Far better reception in the next lounge. 3 people at the bar immediately introduced themselves to me, remarking on my energy and one gent bought me a beer and from a glance at my shirt couldn't stop talking to me about the Rolling Stones. His girlfriend was a sociologist and my only regret was that he didn't give her enough time to talk, but that's drunks for you. I made new friends instantly, the clarity and magic going to the proper use where the energy current had been pulling me the entire night. Overcoming Fear I realized, doesn't just show the body how to think, it makes the body wise. Real intelligence isn't knowing things. It's doing the right thing in the moment. Overcoming fear is how we learn. Courage is Wisdom.