puzzled pieces

i've missed you.

which isn't to say
you are gone.

what i mean to say
is that i never saw you
in the first place.

my projections
my expectations
painted the portrait
i came to know
as you.

i made you a shell
for my deepest desires
until the bright fires of truth
set it aflame.

how much better it might have been
for both of us

if i had gone in simply
acknowledging
the mystery.

allowing curiosity to unveil.
allowing inconsistencies to flesh out a humanness
(even when i was wanting something
a little more extraterrestrial.)

what would i feel now
if i never missed you?

if i allowed you to show up each time
just as you were.

if i nurtured the seeds instead of
clipping the lawn
to look like everyone else's.

i've missed you
and now i miss you

and i'm not exactly sure
what it is
i miss.

maybe just the thought
that the thoughts in my head
had existed.

that the dream was coming true.

but now my only dream
is to have really seen you.

to have abolished my ego enough
to let you in.

for my mirror to have reflected
a safe place
instead of a construction zone.

next time.
if there is a next time.

i will never miss you again.