Inject and Forget (poem)

Getting high is supposed to make me forget about you
Making me indifferent towards your existence
It’s not working
The hours following my removal of the needle
Are plagued with regret
And thoughts like, “I miss her,
And I hate myself for it.”
With my dilated pupils unable to withstand
The light in my room, I close my eyes
And there are you are again
Staring at me with that look that says,
“You will never be more than this.”

Reminders of the damage done
By this gift you’ve forced me into accepting
Are everywhere, I can’t escape it
Not even the best dope in the world
Will allow me to forget –
I want to forget about you, what I’ve done
And what I’ve yet to get to.

My track marks unavoidably broadcast
My loneliness, while showing the world
Just how weak I really am,
My blue tourniquet covered in hearts
You drew for me with red sharpie
And this overused sugar spoon you bought me
Even when you’re gone I can’t escape you
The emptiness, my self-hatred and
All the pathetic attempts I’ve made trying
To become someone different;
It feeds these demons inside of me
And they’re dangerous when fed.

Powerless against this self-inflicted darkness
I can't see a thing
You’re not around to help add light
To those corners of my mind you know,
I can’t seem to reach
And I hope you come back soon because
Nothing can change and I’ll be stuck forever
If no one climbs up into those dark corners.

Maybe it’s better this way,
I may not be able to see where I’m going
But
I can see the guilt on your hands and
It’s making your palms filthy.
Stop making messes
You’ll keep leaving dirty handprints
On every life you only enter to exist
Until you tidy up and rinse yourself clean
Don’t touch another soul
Until you’re polished again,
Until you wash off those messy burdens.

Only monsters touch hearts with hands
Soiled by sin and I need someone more
Sterile,
Someone who hasn’t been playing in dirt
For as long as you have
It’s too bad,
You’re the tallest person I’ve ever met
And those who’ve tried to climb
Only end up afraid of heights.

I miss you today,
     It's time to try again
                 To inject and forget.