Hypocrisy of Junkie Love

Being in a relationship with an addict,
Or even simply caring about one
Is so unbelievably difficult
Until recently, I never knew how much.

It’s hard to watch someone you love
Be blatantly careless and self-destructive
It’s hard watching the person you want
To spend the rest of your life with,
Be so hell-bent on ending their own.

Could you remain silent while your lover
Held up a gun to her temple?
Could you watch as she put her finger
On the trigger? Would you not
Do anything to stop her, to intervene?
A loaded syringe is just as deadly
As the loaded gun, only not as quick
And so much easier to justify,
The justification is why an addiction
Is far more lethal than the loaded gun
But never quite as quick or painless
Loving an addict bears the same heartache
We’re just oblivious to the pain we’re causing,
Because we only care about ourselves
And our selfish need to numb everything,
The feelings we refuse to cope with.

And as if that weren’t bad enough,
Try being an addict and being in love
With another addict – mind fuck.
It’s impossible to care about her without
Being a hypocrite, you know it’s true.
You can’t tell her to respect herself
Or to value her life if you can’t
Then also do the same
But I’d never forgive myself
If I didn’t at least try to save her life
It’s a double standard but honestly,
I really don’t care. I’m willing to accept
The blatant hypocrisy if it means she will
Stay with me for as long as possible,
That I won’t have to watch her die first.

I hate myself because I know if I quit
She would too but – I just can’t
So we just keep on playing Russian Roulette
While the other one just watches
And I feel so guilty, like this could all be
Prevented, I’m just too selfish to take
The steps needed to make it happen.

How do I wrap my brain around this?
I won’t ever stop wishing she’d get sober
But I know that means,
We couldn’t be together anymore
Unless I was able to do the same for her.
We have to either get sober together
Or
One of us has to walk away, to leave
It is so much fucking pressure!
If I want to be with her but still
Continue to use,
I would have to keep my mouth shut,
And just let her pull the trigger
Until she runs out of luck.

But if I did nothing to stop her
From killing herself, am I not just
As responsible for her death?
I couldn’t live with myself after that
And more importantly,
How could I live in a world where
She doesn’t exist, I couldn’t.

Junkies are ruthless heartbreakers
And shameless hypocrites
We’d be lying if we tried to argue
Any different.