Another Marriage on the Rocks (Monday, July 16, 2012)

(originally posted on DelphiForums.com)
Some of you know most of this, or can find most of it on the boards from the past, or remember the beginning on GEnie.
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I am going to turn 40 in late January, I recently confessed to a woman that i have known for 5 years (and married to for the better part of 2 years (Mid August Anniversary)) that i was texting and FaceBook messaging my first girlfriend, "Raven", the "wife" that my parents would be thinking of when they say "ExWife", despite there having been a legal marriage interspersed
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i am having to rebuild trust with my "Gaia"
i am fighting the depression of no longer talking to "Raven"
i feel like i am spiraling out of control
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Yes, I know, i need help LOL
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In the beginning it was 1996, I was 23, on AOL (and GEnie especially New Age and Callahan's Round Table), and a sometime poet, lonely, immature, living at home, working all over northern virginia at various temp jobs or short term government office jobs that i could find, and searching for someone to spend eternity with.
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I receive an email from a girl claiming to be 19
we eventually talk constantly on the phone, i drive up my phone bill to $300+ on a regular basis listening to her problems, issues, and stories of the other men that see is seeing (i am not the jealous type-and i have serious trouble telling when someone normal would be)
over the course of 3 years i go up to Baltimore, MD from Stafford,  VA many times often once a week,
towards the end less and less often,
eventually she finds someone my age that is less of a coward
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Two years later, "Raven" calls me up with a big surprise, she is getting ready to move to my area to be with me.
I am in a relationship, i tell her this, and a few weeks later it falls apart (deadly recurring pattern) and "Raven" is with someone else.
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some time in 1999-2000 i meet and eventually get married (2000-2001) to someone that I will call "Porcelain Doll" that in retrospect reminds me a lot of "Raven's" Mother, I was desperately looking at the time and believed that "Raven" was in a relationship without checking, and was probably subconsciously punishing my self for "Raven", and when "Raven" Calls i tell her that I am in a committed relationship. My parents dislike her immensely.
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By 2003, i am unfulfilled with "Porcelain" and lonely
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"Raven" calls up the house phone, talks to "Porcelain" they hit it off, I am happy, "Raven" is back in my life.  (Note: My parents disliked "porcelain" to the point that they gave "Raven" my new number)
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much drama, including "Raven" moving in for about 3-6 months that i see her every day while she is dating others (there were rules including no touching)
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Eventually (circa 2003-2004) one of "Raven"'s boyfriends moves in to my house to live with "Raven" call him SamWise, 1-3 months later, they announce wedding plans.  "Porcelain" makes the mistake of gloating like she won when i was staying with her out of obligation.
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I react like it is "Raven" that i am married to... and go Passive Aggressive to the point that "SamWise" hates me, one of my current obsessions is that i need to Apoloigize to him for my reactions and words
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They move out shortly after i start my downward spiral and get married in septimber of 2004
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a head injury later (small, over speach center... moderately hard for me to talk cohearently when i get stressed or extremely hungry-one should really watch where one is going when driving a mid sized lawn tractor with a blower attached, a 3" cannon will NOT move out of your way) increasing depression, and two unreported break downs at work later i eventually get counseling,
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get seperated in (2006-2007 time frame), get a divorce (2008-2009 time frame) and get a transfer to an office job that i believe is fulfilling
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in May of 2009 I meet a Big Beautiful Black Woman that I will call "Gaia" she is  5 years younger than I am, professional, and moved from where she lived 5 minutes away from work to where her commute is 60 minutes on a good day just to be with me.  we married in august of 2010...
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Shortly after we get married Raven calls, Raven and Gaia talk for a bit, but that is the end of it (i think i realized now why we didn't have a house phone for a very long while...)
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in february of this year, "raven" sends me a FaceBook Request and a message... (i find out later that "SamWise" was having issues with his depression medication.) apologizing for all the shit that went down when she left.
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In Early April, I am unable to get "Gaia" the birthday present she wants, granted my parents more than make up for it, but it is still humiliating (money is our major issue... her long commute and something nonnegotiable on her part consume about the same amount of our resources)
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In late April I see a man's Dating profile open on "Gaia's" IPhone 3GS when i am placing an order at Chipotle, and i grin to my self, thinking that i know just the couple...
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It takes me a while, but i finally get Raven to friend me on Facebook around her birthday in early may, (hidden, while SamWise would not be jealous (open marriage),  He Hates me because I broke down and went passive aggressive when they left my home.) i do the same on my end, despite telling my self that Gaia would not care... I even ask Raven to friend Gaia because i know that some of my other issues are making the relationship rocky, and i think that Gaia could use another friend.  Raven doesn't, saying that she would then have to tell Gaia that we are talking... i accept that... still not realizing that i am doing anything truly wrong.
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I eventually ask Gaia about the profile, and she says that it was opened by accident from some spam e-mails that she tried to delete and just didn't close the browser..,
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Eventually we start texting, its easier for her to do because she rarely does FaceBook
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at the time of the Bicentennial Sailabration in Baltimore, Raven helps me find out information about it and probably steers me away from the Ft McKinley site up to the Airport where the Blue Angels are flying out of (Actual Air Show is over Ft McKinley), it is too hot for Gaia, so we head home. I get to watch the Angels fly over Baltimore on the Way Home after seeing the aircraft on the Tarmac...
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All through the day Raven is texting me... and i am reading them and only rarely responding
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Eventually I find out that Raven and Samwise have an open marriage (i suspected from the way that raven phrased the part about Brian not being jealous, but angry if he found out about us talking) and she also sends me a link to a fetish site that they used to be on often.
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The Week before the 29 July Storm I make the mistake of asking for better pictures (i.e. if nothing will come of it, whats the harm?)
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She tells me no, the way she says it makes me wonder if she still cares for me, even if she loves her husband more.
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I break my Samsung Focus trying to replace the glass... (need to replace both LCD & Glass, not just Glass, and I never see any of the texts that she sent after the refusal.
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I text her through yahoo, letting her know about the broken phone.
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I get more and more depressed, eventually i confess to Gaia on 29 June (major storm & power outage that takes 22 hours to come back and cable out for a week), and show her the FaceBook conversation, and the Yahoo Texts.
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Gaia Deleats them, deleats all of Ravens contact information, has me ask raven to stop contacting me, and texts raven getting her side of the story.
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Raven rightly places the blame on me (she just wanted friendship)
Raven also Advises relationship counseling (under mistaken impression that Gaia had been snooping)
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Gaia also goes into the diary app on my new Samsung Galaxy S II phone and gets pissed about some of the stuff she reads
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I know that i Need counseling,
Gaia is against it,
she even made me stop going when we first met
(i enjoyed talk therapy... new job, new marriage, etc)
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I hope that i can retain the part of me that writes poetry when the pain goes away...
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but part of me knows that it is just on a downward spiral.
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Even before i started feeling guilty, i was wondering if our anniversary trip in August would be fish or cut bait.
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We definitely have a lot to work through...
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I keep going back to Ravens FaceBook page even though there is little to see now, and post things in public on mine since i see that she is still subscribed.
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But I don't Text Raven, and i never even spoke to her this time.
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I love Gaia, and i hope that we can work it out,
but i miss texting Raven... she was the friend that i spoke to the most
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problem is that I still love Raven even after all these years.
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What am i supposed to do?
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I will be asking "Gaia" to let me text/email/message "Raven" again on the weekend, with clearly established rules and boundaries.
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I am very good at following rules, even when "Raven" was trying to get me to break rules that she set when she lived with me and "Porcelain Doll" ...
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However, I do not think that i could take another 43-44 years of not text/email/message "Raven", even if only in the manner of friendship.  I also do not think that i could handle hearing her voice, unless was part of a triad or quad.
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I recently saw google searches on her phone (another Chipotle Order...) for the site that we met on, I really do not know if she is ashamed about being unhappy, or if i shamed her into wanting to trade me in on a newer model.
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Right now, i do not know what to do
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I love Gaia, and do not want to hurt her
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but i have loved Raven more than life itself for 17 years,
If i realized that I was incapable of truly giving myself to a woman other than Raven (as it appears) i would have gone up to Baltimore after my marriage fell apart, and Apologised to Samwise and Raven then (that just happens to be the time that they set up their accounts on a different Site he lets her dominate other men casually... serendipity SUCKS)
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Friend, Soul Mate, distant acquaintance, I'll take what i can
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but that does not mean that i should hate my self any less,
but i have been hating my self over Raven almost since six months after i met her
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Gaia knows almost everything, and we are recovering