Beta Wolf Breakdown  (Wednesday, June 27, 2012)

Is this as broken as i think it is - past repair?
How do you get someone that you offended when he took the one you really loved to allow you to share her... or them? (did i say beta... maybe i should say omega, certainly fits the way i feel)

How evil am I?
How broken am I?

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I met a woman nigh on 20 years ago, (lets call her Raven) we live very far apart, i managed to visit every weekend or so, I was never jealous of the other men that Raven was seeing, when i could come, she was always making time for me, and she was always on the phone with me.

Like clockwork, she would leave me a little before valentines day, and come back to me shortly there after. I was always her life line.

Raven leaves me three years later after I realize that it is getting harder and harder to control my self with her and reduced the number of visits..

Two years later, she Calls me up telling me that she is planning on moving in. I am starting a relationship with someone, and i tell her no, the relationship shatters.
a few months later, when i finally work up the courage, she is in a relationship.

I eventually get married to someone else (Lets call her Porcelain Doll), it starts ok, but there is always something missing... Then Raven comes back into my life, and I am alive again. I tell Porcelain that i do not want to hurt her, but that I cannot go on like this, I go back to the phone crying. She makes me go back down stairs and take Porcelain back. I tell her that Raven and I want her to stay (Half right, the important one does-it takes me 7 years to break this geas.. seriously, 7 years? Celtic blood sucks I don't think that Raven is a Sidhe, but who knows). Porcelain says that Raven can move in, but that Raven will eventually find her own man and that raven and I cannot play. Porcelain was the senior wife, and so she made the rules, Raven was in my life, and i could accept hearing the moans from Ravens room because at least someone was having a good time.
Not quite following the rules, When ever there is a time in the morning before i go to work that Raven is home and Porcelain has already left, i would snuggle holding Raven while she slept, and just be. (i found out years later that she never knew. Though it may have started at her instigation initially and she just wasn't aware of the repetition over the months).
She tries to get me to leave Porcelain many times, and I am incapable of it.
Raven eventually meets Samwise. He eventually moves in, I think that Raven has let him know how I feel and what I believe is going on, but it appears now that he had DaneLaw sensibilities.
They announce their impending marriage, Porcelain is ecstatic, I start a slow collapse and go passive aggressive about it all, Bad enough Samwise moved in and we never became friends, but he acted stunned that i would respond to his happy time like he was tearing into my chest and ripping my heart and soul out, I refuse an offer of surrogate (none of Ravens children would ever be raised by Porcelain, and the method of delivery fell short of my hopes.)
They eventually move out after one morning where Samwise and Porcelain are working ... and she realizes that it is not Samwise holding her, she wakes up, and runs out of the room and calls Samwise, the Following exchange is very productive "No Means no" being answered by "From Her" (i really should have realized that she didn't know, and it was stupid of me to think that even if she did know that i would have to ask if she wanted it to continue). In one of the disagreements, Liken them leaving the house to a divorce.

About a month or more after they leave, they send an invitation, i cannot accept, especially since Porcelain wants to go and see the demon buried, and I do not trust my self during the challenge question.

Now that It is just me and Porcelain, I fall apart, start cruising AFF to find someone to make it easy for me to stay with Porcelain..., and eventually i see where Porcelain has told her friends about looking for a Lawyer.
Geas Conditions Fulfilled.
I divorce her.
Long after it would do me any good. (i think that i shattered porcelain doll when i left, and i regret that)

I look for many years, convincing my self that Raven is happy with Samwise, i get a better job, talk to a therapist for a few years, and meet Gea, my current wife.

When Raven calls, Gea is way smarter (and has a real job even if the absurdly long commute sucks it out of her), and shuts it down cold. For two years we were ok, despite 14% of our income going to her sisters household (should have been PolyGyny instead of one guy with two baby mamma's, one of which gets support, the one that is not my Sister in law). Its February of this year, and i get a FB request from Raven, i think i hit ignore.
April, the money issue is getting tighter, i cannot get Gea a birthday present because of bills, the one thing i can think of is not something she is interested in (an actual massage from a female masseuse that she is friends with). Gea is not happy with me, our money situation, and my Halo addiction. Her Windows Phone breaks, she uses my old IPhone, and around the end of April i use the iPhone to order food and see that the web browser is open to some mans profile.
I start to feel liberated, I spend a month or so spiraling out of control, messaging Raven on FB, but things are working out with Samwise again, we message for a while. Ravens birthday passes.

I ask Gea about the profile, she says that she still gets spam e-mails from when we both were on multiple sites and wound up together, and it opened up and she didn't close it. I don't know.... But i was not able to tell her what i did in response

Eventually I get raven to hidden friend me on Facebook.
we start texting. I ask her if she swings, She tells me about here.
I Misinterpret it as an arms length invitation.
I start asking about photos and videos, even if i cannot play my self (Other men are ok as casual fuckbuddies for raven, but Samwise still hates me - even if he didn't and Gea is in the danelaw and would understand).

The attempt to repair the cracked screen has failed, by phone is down, and the last text i got from raven is the one where she said that "fuck buddies are one thing, but she doesn't want to be oogled by her ex

Ex Husband? Ex Boyfriend? Ex Property? Ex Dupe?

If i fail in repairing my marriage to Gea (my heart is not in it, and I now play halo to not cry), how do i rebuild the bridges that never existed with Samwise?