Searched never Found

I'm finding myself in my pen
I read my books and it's like a friend
Speaking to me when I need help
Searching without a expectation
I'm full of hate and love at the same time
I'm tired and sleep doesn't seem to satisfy
I'm old inside living forever help me
Trying to decide how long my time machine
Can keep me in repetition
I do not have time to waste
A length of distance in time is shortened
From the backside fighting to stay alive
Daily in my head
Stress is too simple to explain the feeling
This is different
This is a show and I'm out of ideas for new
To keep them wanting me or more so I turn
To you and keep you silent afraid of your edit
I love to be thoughtful but it hurts simultaneously
If I could show you what it's like inside I wouldn't
Because the ones I let in, if they care
Seem to be darkened my me
And I see them suffer because they don't know
How to fix me and it makes it worse to think
That I am a damaged person
Using people for advice that seems abusive
And I'm trying to save me but I'm exhausted
Of living everyday hoping to be at rest
But it's only hope I'm afraid to live forever
And with them they will keep my mind
Active long after I am gone
But today I'll smile and keep my mask
Trying hard to feel and its fruitless
Have you seen the damage I've done
Literally forced to come here
And I brought her back with me
And I found a love to feel me
For now I accept the facts and avoid
The dishonesty I've seen only
Forgive me and accept me
I don't blame you if you don't hate me
But I'd appreciate your best effort
You can convince yourself it's for me
Whatever makes you happy
Especially if it isn't me