mother, i'm sorry.

mother, i’m sorry.
i tried so hard
but i failed again.
i fell right back down.
my head hurts;
i think it hit the floor.

mother, i’m sorry.
the bottle was full last week.
only a drop remains.
it falls onto the floor.
the precious drop,
my precious drop,
forever gone.

mother, i’m sorry.
it was too much to bear.
i had no more money.
i tried not to.
i had to cope.
i took out my old friend
and sliced away.

mother, i’m sorry.
i only want the feeling of peace,
of hopefulness,
of sanity.
or was it insanity?
i can’t tell the difference
anymore.
sanity is my fantasy
and insanity is my reality.
i don't know which is more terrifying.

mother, i’m sorry.
you shouldn’t see me like this.
slurring my words,
broken english,
yesterday’s lunch in my hair.
i’m a mess.
i don’t care.
at least i’m happy.

mother, i’m sorry.
please don’t cry.
it will all be over soon.
my white blouse is dirty.
too much blood on it.
but i need to tell you
i lov-

mother, i’m sorry.
i never meant to hurt you.
it was me.
it was for me.
i needed this.
please understand.

i’ll miss you.