I have no reason to lie (part 2)

Maybe it is better now that my reality is considered a lie
then maybe I can go back to being the only one getting hurt..
I don't like it, but confronting someone over this would be too selfish... and intentionally hurting other people.

Though people didn't use to act like this to me..
I remember the day my world changed forever.
It was early January 2012, over a month after I started dating one of my best friends... the day my digestive system got its problem.
I was optimistic, and almost nobody was rude to me about it at first... but that quickly changed after things never got better. I tried to talk to my mom about it, but only after begging for several months did she actually agree to take me to a gastroenterologist. I remember the uncaring, unsympathetic, nontrying look on his face. He didn't really care about helping me, or how any of it was affecting me. All he wanted was to prescribe me with something, get paid, and move on to the next patient. I remember him telling me I had to wait it out for a while before everything got better. I remember coming home from school and crying my eyes out every afternoon. I remember often faking sick to get checked out just because I couldn't handle the bullying. I remember the threats to hurt me and how I would live in fear if they ever got the courage to do what they were saying. I felt helpless - I couldn't control what was wrong with my body and there was nothing I could do to make everything okay. I remember the hate, sadness, fear, and anxiety I felt. I became so dedicated to becoming a doctor not for the money, but to be at least one good doctor who actually cared about helping their patients, the exact opposite of the man I went to go see. I became so dedicated to making something of my life instead of giving up (by giving up I mean self harm and suicide)because I wanted to prove to them all that I have worth and I lived an amazing, successful life. I want to travel the world so I can see its beauty, despite the ugliness in it- so I can fully appreciate life.... After a while everyone became used to it and so did I- I knew everyone hated me and for a while I hated them too, though now I can't really bring myself to hate anybody... sure I get upset but how can anyone ever see the beauty in the world if their eyes are always closed to it in spite? Having a committed partner at the time also really helped me get through everything, and actually still feel loved... I doubt anyone besides him would have really chosen to stay with me for those years despite my health. He was the only one I truly trusted in this world...

To anybody who knows what I've written before, you may think there hasn't been much justice in my life. But in reality there is no justice in most people's lives. Women get raped all the time and yet many cases go unreported and even less rapists go to jail. Many people feel helpless, and they are forced to watch as their world falls apart. Many people, including myself, have had emotional breakdowns because of what they have been through. And after everything I've fully come to understand that no one is a lesser being than anyone else, and human compassion is worth more than any amount of money. Living life hating others isn't living. So the only thing I can really do is just try to be as good of a person as I can be. I'll make mistakes no doubt, but all I need to do is just learn from them and improve myself.

I know most people don't like me - and it usually takes me a while to actually believe anyone of the opposite sex actually has some form of romantic interest in me. I used to use a few guys' feeling for me to help me feel better but now I just look around at other people because I'm scared that they'll judge me or come to hate me more.. I've cared about a few guys but I feel like I'm not good enough and if 99% actually knew what I was really like they wouldn't care about me anymore. I admit- along with my other more obvious issues (not feeling good enough, trust issues, social issues,etc), I also speak fluent bitch (if you catch the message I am trying to send) and have poor time management skills (I'm that family member that needs to be told that they have to be somewhere 30 minutes before they actually have to be there, just so they will be there on time).

I'm used to being alone (my quiet nature has never really helped in that regard either), and I'm used to getting hurt.
I don't believe in the cliche idea that my knight in shining armor is going to come rescue me.
I'm the knight in my life- since I have to be strong for myself before I could ever expect others to be strong with me.
Sure I've cried my tears and may feel a little broken at times but every experience has made me a stronger and better person, and that is something I could never be ashamed of.

I have no reason to lie.
I'm just going to try and make the best of all of the bad situations I just so happen to get into - while being honest to myself through it all.
Though I pray to god that nobody ever tells the story of my health issue... as much as I don't want to admit it, I'm still not over this hurdle in my life yet... It may seem kinda odd but I no longer cry over what went wrong in my last relationship(since I've forgiven him and have moved on from letting it define my life) but I can't even physically talk about my health issue without choking up and crying... wounds, emotional or physical, can't fully heal if they keep being damaged...