Grey Area

I’ve been living in this mist. This achromatic atmosphere. An environment with no darkness and no light. I am unaware of what these feelings are that I possess. The dread of sunlight, the comfort of rain and night. Love is this thing I don’t understand. It seems as though it is merely an object, an object that kind of just floats around my mind. It seems as though it can never become a part of me, but rather just surround outside of me. I can observe it, I can see it happening, but I’m not sure I can feel it. It’s this idea that exists like the idea of God. I revel in this monotone lifestyle. This basic, ongoing cycle. I play the parts well. I can play the hard worker, the motivated young woman who humbly earns her success. I can play that goofy, sarcastic friend who laughs at the pain of the world. I can play the good daughter who is a straight A student and loves her father dearly. I can play the lover, the woman who can relax you with the light scrape of her dark nails. I can play the seductress, the woman who can leave you paralyzed after a glorious night. These parts, these people, these personalities, I’ve gotten to know them so well. They are my chess pieces, my steps to get closer to what it is I desire. The world that exists inside of me is a wide and varying grey area. No black and no white. The balance of the two can bring you to this new person you may have never known before. This person is beautifully imperfect. When they bring you to the harsh realities of life you grin. You grin knowing the pain and knowing how to cope, how to survive among it. You never fight it, but you work with it, as though it is your business partner. History becomes your present and you become your one and only, the only person you trust. The grey area, the balance between light and dark. The void.