"MY DAMNED HELLISH LIFE"

I FEEL THE PRESSURE SETTING IN.
I AM OVERWHELMED BY SADNESS & REGRETS.
MY MEMORIES WENT TO MY CHILDHOOD AND HOW SAD I ALWAYS WAS.
NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WANTED TO BE FREE,THERE WAS JUST TOO MUCH OF THE PAST,TOO MUCH EVIL,AND TOO MUCH PAIN AND HURT TO LET IT ALL GO.
AS SOON AS I OPEN MY EYES WHEN I WAKE UP,I DREAD THE NEW DAY.
A DAY I KNOW WILL BE LIKE ANY OTHER DAY IN MY LIFE.
A DAY FILLED WITH BULLSHIT.
A DAY OF AGGRAVATION.
A DAY OF MENTAL STRESS.
A DAY WHERE I CONSTANTLY PRAY FOR GOD TO GO AHEAD ON AND TAKE ME OUT OF THIS DAMNED HELLISH WORLD.
I THOUGHT GETTING A JOB WOULD END THIS 24/7 DEPRESSION I LIVE IN.
DAMMIT MAN,WAS I WRONG.
STILL I PRAY FOR MY DEATH.
STILL I PRAY FOR MY LAST BREATH.
STILL I PRAY FOR GOD TO HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL.
MY SINFUL SOUL.
HERE I SIT AT MY LITTLE PATHETIC JOB CONSUMED BY DISGUST FOR MYSELF.
NOT EVEN EARNING ENOUGH MONEY TO HELP WITH THE BILLS.
FUCK MY LIFE.
FUCK MY LIFE.
WHEN LORD WHEN?
WHENS GON' BE MY TIME TO LEAVE THIS SHIT HEAP OF A WORLD?
I WILL ADMIT.....
I'M A FAILURE.
I'M A LOSER.
I'M A DEGENERATE.
I'M A PERVERT.
I'M A FUCK UP.
I'M PURE SHITE.
A NOTHING.
I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE.
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT.
MY WHOLE LIFE I'VE BEEN TOLD "LARRY YOUR A PIECE OF SHIT,YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT.
I CAN'T COPE NO LONGER WITH ALL THIS SUFFERING AND SORROW I FEEL.
I DON'T LOVE MY LIFE NO MORE.
NO ONE AROUND WHO CARES TO HELP.
EVERYONE I LOVED AND LOVED ME ARE D-E-A-D.
LEFT ME IN THIS LIFE DEALING WITH ALL THIS SHIT.
IF I DIDN'T HAVE FAITH I'D ALREADY BE GONE.
JUST GOT A TEXT FROM THE WIFE.
"YELLING AT ME ABOUT PUTTING SOMETHING SOMEWHERE,NOW SHE CAN'T COOK DINNER.
SEE YA SEE, "CAN'T GET RIGHT IS THE NAME I'VE GIVEN MYSELF.
TONIGHT WHEN I GET HOME FROM WORK I'LL POP 6 TYLENOL PM'S TO KNOCK MY SORRY PATHETIC ASS THE FUCK OUT.
SEND ME TO LA LA LA LAND.
OR BETTER YET THE LAND OF BLISS.
NOT OF THIS WORLD WHICH REEKS OF SHIT AND PISS.
THERE ISN'T A SOUL I KNOW THAT CAN RELATE TO WHAT THE FUCK I DEAL WITH,DAY IN AND DAY OUT.
NO MORE FAMILY LEFT.
NO MORE FRIENDS.
NO FUCKIN' BODY TO TALK TO,TO VENT TO.
W.T.F WILL I DO?
I DO WHAT IT IS I ALWAYS DO.
POP PILLS AND WAIT FOR MY UNTIMELY DEATH.
I HATE MY LIFE.
DESPISE IT WITH A FIERY PASSION.
DOWNLOAD MUSIC & MOVIES JUST TO PASS THE TIME BY.
ILLEGAL IT IS I KNOW.
IT'S THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME FROM SLAMMING MY HEAD INTO A CONCRETE WALL.

MY LORD MY GOD, PLEASE TAKE MY BREATH AND SNATCH MY SOUL.
TAKE ME TO HEAVEN.
TAKE ME INTO YOUR LOVING ARMS.
NEVER LETTING ME GO FOR ALL OF ETERNITY.
WHY?
WHAT HAPPENED?
HOW COULD THIS BE?
I HAVE MADE MANY AN ERROR IN JUDGMENT IN MY LIFE.
THAT'S WHY I'M ALL SO VERY FUCKED IN THIS LIFE.
IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER.
NOT AS LONG AS I'M BREATHIN'.
EVERYBODY HATES ME.
THIS I KNOW.
I CAN READ THEIR FACES.
I SEE THEIR LOOKS OF ANGER & DISGUST AS I WALK BY THEM.
THESE PILLS ARE MY ONLY FRIEND.
MY ADDICTION TO THESE PILLS KILL MY SADNESS TEMPORARILY.
FEEL ME.
PILL ME.
KILL ME.
FUCK SOCIETY,THE WORLD,EVERY FUCKIN' BODY.

I KNOW I JUST KEEP SAYIN' THE SAME OLD SHIT OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
I KNOW YOUR SICK OF HEARING IT AGAIN.
AND YES,YOUR ASS IS GONNA KEEP HEARIN' IT AGAIN AND AGAIN UNTIL MY LIFES END.

I PRAY TO MY LORD THAT THIS IS MY LIFES LAST DANCE.
LAST CHANCE,LAST ALL THE SHIT.

25 YEARS AGO I WAS ONE WHO HAD SO MUCH JOY FOR BEING ALIVE,WAS SCARED OF DYIN'.
NOW AFTER LIVIN' THROUGH ALL THIS SIN.
I'M JUST READY TO MEET HIM.
ALOT OF PEOPLE WHO READ MY WRITINGS WONDER WHAT HAPPENED SO BAD TO MAKE ME THE PESSIMIST I AM TODAY.
MY BRAIN DAMAGED OCCURRED ON JAN.14,1985 WHEN MY MOM WAS KILLED,HIT BY A CAR.
MORE PAIN,MORE PAIN,THAT SHIT FUCKED UP MY HEAD THIS I KNOW FOR SURE.
1999 & 2001 WATCHED BOTH MY GRANDMOTHERS DIE FROM THE EFFECTS OF 50 YRS OF SMOKING CIGS.
THAT FUCKED ME UP MORE AND MORE AGAIN.
JUNE 2006 & NOV 2006 MY GRANDFATHER & MY UNCLE BOTH GONE TO GOD'S HOUSE.
FAMILY TORN APART ON BOTH SIDES.
MY LITTLE BROTHER AND I DISOWNED FOR OUR WILD PASTS.
OUR FUCKED UP MENTALITIES.
ALL ALONE WE ARE.
NO FRIENDS,NO FAMILY.
NOTHING.
JUST A BUNCH OF MENTAL PAIN AND HURT.

MY LIFES LIKE A 24/7 NIGHTMARE.
MY LIFES LIKE A HELLISH PIT OF DEEP SHIT.

I WISH MY FAMILY WOULD LOVE ME.
WHY?
GOD WHY WON'T MY FAMILY LOVE ME?
PLEASE MAKE THEM LOVE ME.
SO SICK AND TIRED OF FEELING LONELY.
I COULD BE IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE AND STILL FEEL COMPLETELY ALONE.
I WISH MY DAD LOVED ME.
I WISH HE WOULD TALK TO ME.
I WISH I KNEW WHAT IT IS I DID FOR HIM NOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE ME,HIS FIRST BORN SON.

2 1/2 HOURS TILL IT'S POP POP POP POP POP POP THE MANY PILLS I DROP DROP DROP.
NUMB MY MIND.
BLOCK OUT THE YELLING & SCREAMING THAT AWAITS ME AT MY CURRENT PLACE OF RESIDENCE.

IT'S NOT SO HARD FOR ME TO SAY GOODBYE TO THIS WORLD.
I HATE THIS WORLD.

POINT BLANK :"I'LL NEVER BE HAPPY"

I JUST TYPED UP A LETTER TO MY LITTLE BROTHER WHO'S BIRTHDAY IS TODAY JULY 24TH.HE IS 35.IN A SMALL SUMMARY IT WENT SOMETHING LIKE THIS..........

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE BROTHER.I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO GET YOU,SO I THOUGHT OF THIS PIC THAT I PUT INTO THIS NICE FRAME FOR YOU.ALTHOUGH BOTH OF US CANNOT RECALL THIS PIC THAT WAS TAKEN BY MOM.AT LEAST IT'S JUST THE TWO OF US.ANYWAYS I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.AND YOU CAN ALWAYS KNOW THAT EVEN THOUGH OUR FAMILY HAS CUT US OUT.WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE EACH OTHER,MY BROTHER.I LOVE YOU.AND THAT'S MORE THAN WE WILL EVER GET OUT OF THE REST OF THEM.WE WILL ALWAYS BE BROTHERS AND THAT'S THAT.OUR BLOOD (BETWEEN ME & YOU) IS MUCH THICKER THAN THE BULLSHIT FAMILY WE ONCE WERE APART OF.IF YOU NEED ME FOR ANYTHING JUST LET ME KNOW.I HOPE YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY BROTHER.WELL,I HOPE YOU LIKE THE GIFTS.AND AGAIN....."HAPPY BIRTHDAY"  LOVE ALWAYS YOUR BIG BROTHER, LARRY G. JONES JR.


GOD SAY'S NOT TO DWELL ON THE PAST.
GOD SAY'S TO LOOK TOWARD THE FUTURE.
I'M SO FAR GONE MENTALLY,I FIND IT VERY DIFFICULT TO DO AS GOD SAY'S.
REGARDLESS,I KNOW HE UNDERSTANDS ME.
I KNOW HE FORGIVES ME.
MY LORD,ON MY SINFUL SOUL,PLEASE HAVE MERCY.

I KNOW MANY COULD GIVE A SHIT OR DAMN ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK I WRITE
I'M DONE FOR NOW.
OH,DON'T WORRY I'LL BE CONTINUING ON WITH..........

            "MY DAMNED HELLISH LIFE"