June 23rd 2014

I didn't sleep last night or this morning, and then I went to work. I came home a little later than expected, because of the damn rain. Fuck you clouds and your urination! Go to somewhere that has a drought! Why rain here, assholes? We have one of the greatest of lakes! We don't need your pity-piety droplets! *straightens imaginary tie* Sorry about that. 20 is when I pick up my date, yeah no movie anymore.

My brother is coming up on the 13th, can't fucking wait! I missed him. It's been a year since I've seen him. Last year I saw him at a funeral for someone. It's sad that I don't remember who's funeral. It's sad that we forget things. Have you ever thought of that? Forgetting is sad for both parties. Even if it's not animate.

I shaved for the first time in about 3 months, today. I may not look Asian at all, but my facial hair does. You'd think it would be more Germanic, but no. Some people think I style it like that, true is I'm too lazy to style anything of mine. Sure I trim but that's different from styling. I've been rocking the messy look for a while, time to clean up. I like the feeling of a shaven face. It's hard to describe. May get a hair cut soon, too.

Anyways, really really nervous for tonight. Hope all goes well.

The funeral is to be in early July. No flowers, and no formal wear. As they never did like flowers or formalities very much. They thought flowers were pretty and smelled nice, but thought that they're too sad to be at a funeral. I respect that.

Story time? Warning, this one is really personal, if you don't like it you can skip it. High school was really rough for me. It's rough for everyone, with all of those hormones and pressures and shit. My freshman year was when my brother went off to college. My sister was a sophomore (she was held back a year for being a terror in the second grade), and that's when the first three years were shitty. Here's some back story. Parents were very busy with work throughout my entire childhood, and my siblings'. So, my brother, being the oldest, thought it necessary to take care of us two. He taught us how to cook very early on, we were doing chores and stuff too. My brother looked out for me the most though, me being the youngest and all. Not only was I the youngest, I was submissive, and showing signs of becoming a "serial killer" (in his own words). My sister was straight up twisted. Early on she was a sadist, but she always had on a big smile. She would hurt me and tease me. I would never cry, because I knew it showed weakness. To tell you the truth, I didn't mind the pain or the teasing all that much. My brother stood up to her, for me. Eventually, he beat up almost everyone that would make fun of me. He is my best friend and will literally help me with everything. But he was very busy in college. So my sister took advantage of the situation. It was kinda symbiotic. She would boost her ego, and I would feel pain. That's what happened. I still love my sister, we have much in common. It's just that she liked to inflict pain and I liked it. Like all teens, I started to question things that I'm still questioning now. One of those things was why I enjoyed pain. This question made emotional pain even more painful. I started to question more than I should have. I started to feel extremely bad about myself, and my sister wasn't helping. While that was happening, in the summer that would turn me into a junior, I was diagnosed as a schizophrenic. That made everything shitty as fuck. The meds sucked, they make you feel not you. That was about the time I tried to opt about for the first time. My sister stopped me. Then I was labeled as clinically depressed, meaning more meds. Then more meds for ADHD and other shit. By the start of junior year, I was so fucked up because of all of the meds. My sleeping habits changed, so did my grades. I became much less talkative, that's not saying much though. I became isolated. My grades actually improved. I was always smart and calculative, but isolation improved that. It was scary. I became a very cold person, and a utilitarian. You could say I am one now, because nihilism wants everyone to feel no more pain, but utilitarianism is much different. That shit is full of sacrificial genocides and other awful shit. Anyways, my sister noticed this and tried to change me. At one point, I made her cry. That's kinda when I tried to change. And I did, kinda. I even more fucked up, but in a different way. My point is that some periods of life are really rough. But you gotta carry on. Even people that you don't think care about you, do. My sister saved me three times, despite her being her. And don't be scared of change, be afraid of what you will become.

On a lighter note, the female roomate is moving out! Goodbye, psycho bitch! And I may get a dog! Maybe. It depends on the other roommates' cats. The roommates don't want them eaten. But I want a husky, and they're usually nice to other animals. Especially if I get it as a puppy. I had a golden retriever once. She was my dearest friend. She taught me how to walk, I used her eyes as a walker of sorts. She was less than a year when I was at that age. She even shared a bed with me. I did a lot with her. A boy and his dog kinda thing. When she was older, she would look so different with a hair cut. She looked like a puppy, even acted like it. That's kinda what I feel like when I shave, like a puppy. I guess.

Story is coming along. I have the idea, I just need to polish it then polish the style of writing I'm doing with it. It's a fantasy, about my version of a mythological world(s). It's gonna be in the equivalent of hell, but later it'll probably cover the rest of the universe I created in my mind. My influences for it are Final Fantasy (the way everything is medieval but somehow futuristic) and Greek mythology. Those two things are really cool, in my opinion.

Yesterday I wrote about one of the roommate's parents. Apparently, they're never coming back here. Yay! Now I can make eggs naked, and not be shouted at by old people! I still don't know why I was naked. Well technically, I only had socks on my feet and ears. I still am wondering what the fuck happened two days ago that made me naked. I usually sleep in my clothes, but never naked. I must have been really tired and delusional. I blame those damn cats. Maybe I'll teach the husky how to keep those buggers out of my room. I hope I get to get a husky. Those guys are so cute. My sister has one now. I'm really jealous.

I was thinking about starting a restaurant. It would have very stoner like foods. Like buffalo wing fries, and peanut butter humus BBQ chips, Rubens (lets be honest, the guys that made them had to be high), Oreos and peanut butter, Pizza, Junk food salad. I would call it "Munchies and Culinary's Love Child".

Oh yeah, I see a lot of people with colorful hair dye. I don't know if it's a anime/japan thing that moved to america, but it's both awesome and not awesome. It makes people unique, but not unique. I personally like it, I would never dye my hair though. I like anime, and color so... But I really like the anime and manga that make fun of that troupe. Some of the one I've seen straight up say that their hair is dyed, or they question someone if their hair is dyed. Which is funny, because most of them make it so that the not so natural hair colors are natural. I fucking love that.

I've came up with a saying, it is 100% original, or at least should be. Freedom is the right to laugh at freedom. Many don't really understand it, but it's about not thinking freedom is free or a real thing. It's mainly a manifestation of my hatred towards censorship through activism (look at feminism and atheism plus), and political correctness. I hate all of it. I just wanted that to be know so I can stroke my own ego. Yeah, and I'm not even kinda ashamed. Should be, but shame is also a weakness. I've learned that after number 3 of 5. Deity that may not exist, I'm lucky to be alive. Or unlucky, depends on my mood.