June 15th 2014

Nothing really happened today. I woke up at 8 because my of a cat. I went to do a thing, then met up with my parents to do father's day. I had to get a ride from one of my roommates, and now I owe gas money and a pizza. At least I don't have to hide any bodies.

I hate the summer. School is out, there is nothing to do, besides writing and working. I guess that's good but none of my friends are free. They're rich enough to get out of this shit hole for the summer. Plus it's so damn hot and noisy. Winter please come and kill off all of the tourists, actually you'll just spawn more tourists. Fuck. Why do I have to hate people? Why can't I be like a Libra is supposed to be? I don't believe in that shit, but apparently a Libra is good with people and the opposite gender. My life would be so much damn easier. I probably wouldn't board myself in my room and actually not want to be a nihilist. I'm a nihilist because of many reasons, but one of them is because I feel that the human race is a failure. But if I didn't hate most of the population, maybe I would be a happy atheist, or a happy anarchist. There's a story behind that. Back in high school, there was this really negative person talking about how the end is going to happen really soon because the world governments are awful. I asked her if she was a nihilist and she said (verbatim), "No I'm too happy to be a nihilist. I'm a happy anarchist". Those words still haunt me. I used to think I was happy, but now I realize I'm sad. It's kinda natural given everything that I have, but sometimes I want things to change. I want to be able to talk some of my peers and not think they are worthless idiots. I wish I wasn't apathetic. I wish my sister would actually talk to me. I wish I had therapy much sooner in my life. I wish I wasn't lazy. I wish I had the balls to not tell lies about stuff. I can not tell the truth to at all times. When somebody asks me if I like something, I don't say my true intentions. I lie to myself. I say I'm worth it. No, I'm just another cog in the machine. A lazy, rusty one. I wish I could be not sadistic or masochistic. I wish I'm not wishing, cause "What's the point?"

What's the point of anything anymore? Why am I living? No, I'm not living, I dreaming. I seem idealistic until I realize the real lies. I hate being. I think therefore I am, that means a hella lot of people are dead. Some people don't think critically, and I feel like I don't anymore. I try to be extremely critical, but now I'm too lazy. I rather listen to music, write and watch pointless anime and youtube. I'm wasting my life, and that's okay. Maybe, I don't know. I wish I wasn't a nihilist and found a meaning to live. Maybe if I was going to make an impact, but I'm not. The chances are so slim, and I'm not that original or unique. I'm your average poor white man, who has white people problems. I even say I'm fucking Asian. I don't look Asian, despite being 25%. I'm trying to find myself, but it's too dark to even see the ground. Am I floating or falling or landing or standing or what? Fuck being human, I want to be a cat. They literally do nothing and they are loved by the entire internet. It's probably a crime to not like cat's anymore.

And fuck random body parts for falling asleep. It hurt's in an unnatural way, and it's weird and fuck!

So I got the number of the girl from yesterday. Kinda excited, but I hope her uncle doesn't attack me. I'm already on edge. I'm sleeping with knife under my pillow and I almost stabbed that cat. That would have gotten me kicked out of my place for sure.

So, I hate driving. Maybe that's why I love the city. You got public transportation everywhere you go and you also have things called sidewalks. When I was 7 or 8, my mom got into a car crash and broke her neck. Luckily she wasn't paralyzed or dead. But she had to get a halo brace. If you don't know what those are, there is this wonderful thing called Google. I'm scared for life right now. I even have trouble riding in cars. I have to blast music and distract myself heavily or else I'm really, really not myself. I'm usually calm, but when I get into a car, I turn into a pansy. I'll be really quiet and nervous and everything. I was in a car crash once. My brother was driving sober. We got rear ended and got my neck hurt for about three days. I was so scared, I refused to get out of the house, for about a week. I skipped school and everything. My mom pretty much got wrote to the school explaining that I was horribly sick. I wish I wasn't afraid of cars. I'm fine with buses and trains and planes, but cars are fucking scary. More and more I think about it, I'm more of a feral animal than a human. I have weird eating habits and tend to be nocturnal. Who else puts soy sauce in about everything, and eats mainly once the sun is down? Not normal people.