Death Is On My Mind

Death is a frequent thought that passes through my mind
Like wind shaking a tree, it rattles through my being
When I do think of it,
It's not always the dark moments when the world is coated in black
And my mind is too fragile to do anything but sleep,
no
It's not only in those moment

Sometimes when I'm in a car
Looking out the window watching the world pass by
Or late at night
When I'm trying to convince my brain to go to sleep
As I wrap myself tightly in the covers

There's only one moment
That I remember clearly
That I did not want to die

I was laying in my bathroom floor
Ignoring the tiles causing goosebumps all over my body
Watching as my hands moved so slowly towards my phone
My head felt like it weighed too much to lift
It wasn't long till the ambulance came
Breaking down the bathroom door
Only to find my body laying with my eyes half open

I had two thoughts before I blacked out:
How much time I had put into thinking about my own death
And how wrong I had been, I didn't want to die

I used to live on the border of life and death
Tip toeing my way
Carelessly wondering which way I'd fall

Once I awoke in a hospital bed
Wires attached to my body
A beeping noise that wouldn't stop
And the eyes of the only person whose ever cared looking at me in worry

It's not an easy conversation to have
You can never fully explain the fact that you hated yourself so much that this felt like the only escape

To this day
I've never regretted swallowing those pills
Because it taught me
That death is a destination
Not a journey

To this day
I've learned to love myself
Regardless of the way my stomach pokes out at the end
Or the way my face is rounded
Or any imperfection that has been pointed out by myself through a mirror

To this day
I have promised myself
That I will never dig myself a hole in the ground
And place my own coffin in it

I will love myself