Thoughts of a lost mind the first time

Thoughts of an unguided kid.

These lines
                 won't be produced
Or narrated, they will replay...
In my mind and heart
                                 Forever.

They will define my very being
And echo throughout
My soul
Forever.

Words so simple
         A kid
              So out of control.

Why did god
      Give me
             Such power...
                                   
The explanation could be in these lines,
       The decision in all
             Will always be
                              Mine.

The heart in me
     Was learned
            To be incomplete

The boy you see is average
     But
           The day you meet him
           You will know him to be
           Humble and honest
           In all company.

Isolation with god
            Now is the time
                   To trust myself
Because times are hard.

A year removed from all I ever knew,
        A lot has changed
        A lot has changed
        People too
        People I thought I knew
        People I will never
        See again.

While I wish
        I could live
        In some moments forever

Dwelling over the past
            Praying to god
                        Things one day ...
Will be better.

I meant my promises
 And I really
       Thought
I could carry them out
          Just a young boy
                 Afraid
                    To show out.

While we are forgetful
        Of others problems
            Because we only see
                          Our own
Know

Pain un shown
      Insecurities and discomfort
                Most times remain untold
Because none of us
             Can remember who we are
                    Anymore...

We are trapped in the image
    Of the things
        We see everyday
                   

Do you speak to new people
    Everyday?
Are you so far gone that
    The everyday people
    You once knew
    Don't want anything
    To do
    With you?

It is true
  that it hurts
        More
           Than you know

Like more than I told myself it would
     I didn't know
       How real the world
              Could be...
Like now
     She never wants to talk
                    To me.

Like why
     Do we live this way
               What's that Pac?

Money
  Over
      Bitches

Let me
    Hear
       You say it...

            It has been so long
            Since I felt joy
           
Like
         Is anything anymore
           The real
                Thing

Or
Are we all
     Just some kids

                Playing games
                With real emotion
                Real consequences
                Real people
                We are affecting lives
                But don't care
Oh no
We don't
Because we aren't
Who you think we are
      We aren't who
           We think we are
               Most of us anyway

Using the most of a sick imagination
        To escape the pain
           Fear
            Sensitive
              Reality,
Which in reality
        Will one day come
                    For all of us.
So
Run now
     Run now
           Run now

I will never slow down
      She brought
            A new perspective

 I bought it
 Everything
 They told me
 Would happen
 Happened
 But I didn't buy that then
So
Run now
     Run now
           Run now

They caught me
      I wasn't fast
              Enough

Sometimes you can't
                Escape destruction

Now I would believe that
                  All things
             Come to an end
                  Far sooner
         Than we would hope
                      But
             It's in our power
           To enjoy the beauty
Of now.

Don't be caught up in
    What might
            Transpire
Because to be successful
                 It requires a lot
                 Of work
                 And patience
                 And compatibility
                 And effort
                 And hours
                 And each other
                 So no more over thinking
                 Let it be
                 Enjoy what is
                 Never forget
                 What was
                 But don't
                 Don't
                 Let it bring you down
                 If it isn't
                 Meant to be.
So
Run no more
     No more
         No more.

Now I smoke because I can't sleep
Lying more
Lying more
When I speak

Like
     I really smoke because
     I'm depressed
     Puffing every joint
     Until there is none left.
     
Like
     I need some time now
     To catch my breath
     The pumping in my chest
      Isn't healthy
     And just because you are smiling
     Does not mean you are wealthy
     Or happy
     Or more than anyone else
     I want to tare you down
     Because I am inexperienced
     To this world we created
     Should I be ashamed to say
     It hurts
     Or is that
     How you would have me feel
     Because you are no better
     Than anyone else
     In our situation.

Will I find the solution
    In these lines
      Words of wisdom
               With no end

I swear the questions
Continue to multiply
And there be no answers
Only decisions to be made
Mistakes to live through
Bridges to cross
Bridges to burn
Memories I can't be sure
That I want to forget
In 5 will they disappear
To be real
Will they by next year?

Remember that boy we talked about
The average joe
How artistic is he
When all the words start to flow.

Will the answers I seek
Be encrypted
Between these lines
Remember how I use to look at you
Like every answer
I needed, lie with you
When we lock eyes.

Give me a line, give me a line...
I mean fuck
God give me a sign*

You made the world
    But I feel like
         It wasn't made for me

I don't know if
         It's a broken heart
                Or a mixture of things

God I'm feeling
Incomplete

When it's all over
       Will we finally
            Get to meet.

I haven't forgotten
I can't seem to
I have forgiven you
But I lied again
Because I haven't
I can't yet
So much went on
And I promise
I can't make sense of any of it
It burns me
This is burning me ...
And you know that
But you don't care
Because you changed
Like
How many seasons
Do you come with
And which one was I
What lies are you telling yourself
How about others
How much have you been drinking
How many distractions
Surround you now
What the fuck are you thinking...

So
Run again
     Not me
          No no no
So
Run
     Go
         Go
           Go ... Just go.

If you cut me
Ink might spill out
Words from my core
But you turned me inside out
So...
Now everybody knows me
Inside and out
Is my ink just a way
To let my insides stand out
You still have no idea
What I am about.

But what is the image you see
Once it was pretty
Now it's hate
I don't know
What to do with myself
Top shelf knowledge
For a bottom shelf mind
Comprehend what you can
Or just what you want to hear
Just like
Every other time.

It was more
Then what
Met the eye
The power
Of your personality
Pulled me in
And I couldn't
Get you out
Of my mind

I mean it's hard
To talk about
Things I can
No longer do
With you
Thinking of
All the things
We did do

And how they don't
     Matter no more
              But I'm still trying
                   To make sense of it

But everyone keeps telling me
    It don't matter
               No more

And I question
      So much
          You know me

I have an active mind
        I can't sleep
                 No.

What did it
What saved me
I really don't
Care anymore
And I mean that
About myself
I have a scheduled
Collision with darkness
Right now
And I don't know
If I can
Pull out.

This be the reason
     For all my
         Stressing

In these lines
 If you read
  You will know

I came into this
         Unprotected.

There will be more
Worries for another day
Tonight it's tough
Tomorrow it's alright
Then I break
Then I disappear
Right

I am just a kid
Who missed out
On so much
Out of time
So now
We feel
Out of touch
Call on me
When it hurts
Too much

Because now I don't
            Have that
                   You don't

And I know you needed it
    But no more.

With my voice
Could I bring
These words
To life
Could I light up
The sky
If I died tonight
Would you light up
If I died tonight

I wasn't
A
 Good listener

But I took a lot
    From these experiences
            First times for all
                  Things

Now it feels
      Like something
            Is missing
              For all things.

You didn't know
    So I won't blame you
        My fear did me in
            Our fear did
                 Both of us in

The content of these lines
Is fact
The mind of the boy
Who grew up
By himself
Without a dad
But I will never
Let her make me feel
Like I never
Became a man
Because she has
No clue
What I didn't have
The fear
No corner
With a familiar face
No words for me
During puberty
Birthdays
Or any day
But she wants to
Assassinate
my character
She wants
To hurt me
I took care
Of 3 girls
At times no where
To go
Who was my role model
Who gave me
Advice
But no
You are right
I can't be a man
I couldn't have
Been good to you
Because you
Couldn't accept
The good in you
And it's all
True
The fears
I have overcome
And still
Battle
Are my darkest secrets
And I may die with them
But I fight
Everyday
Because I don't
Want to
Hurt anymore
The pain inside me
Roars greatly
Bouchard
So that means
I'm crazy
But it's all good
You can
Hate me
I don't care
This is how
God
Made me

My brain spit rounds tonight
   My heart
       Is well beyond overdrive
         Pieces of my
                  World stick out
                          Like thorns
Visions of you
Hurt
But I hope
One day no more

The boy is lost
And maybe
Always

The chapter is fresh
    And my time
          On this page
              Is just getting
                Started.

Spark the dank shit
Let's forget our problems
Remember me in 5
And I will still
Tell my boys
I got her.

                    Where I end up
                    I really don't know
                    Will he show up
                    No
                    But my days ahead
                    Will be my best
                    The past is lessons
                    For future tests
                    Will I learn
                    Or will I let them
                    Hold me down
                    Forever.

The humble mind
Of a poetic
Young
Man
Nobody expected to be
As much
As he is
So he rose
High above
The platforms of expectation
And one day
One day
They will love him.

"The thoughts of an unguided kid"