April13, 2014

As life passes me by I can only think of all the possibilities that I could’ve encountered to ensure a true and long-living happy life. But the less I try to find sense on all of this the more I understand that life will never go as you plan, nor you will have what you want.

Happiness comes and goes and you never realize how long it will last until it has already passed us by like a blink of an eye. I could never be able to explain how much it hurts to know that I will never have that little bit of happiness I had with you ever again; or the resignation to know you have moved on and no longer want me in your life. I truly don’t know what’s worst, if it’s the fact of not being able to make you happy anymore, or the pain of not being able to know at all if you are happy.

I find myself being so good at writing love letters, and for the past 6 months my letters have had only one person at heart: you. You were the sole reason I poured my heart again after so long pretending I could never fall for anyone anymore. And because of that first letter, where I poured my heart onto 4 hand-written pages, you saw my love raw and bleeding for you; you took me in and gave me hope. Gave me love back. For only 5 days; the most perfect 5 days of my life so far. If only my plans hadn’t been to leave the state we would’ve been able to be together for longer, maybe things would’ve been different and we wouldn’t have ended the way we did. I could’ve been there for you when you needed me the most and, if things were truly meant to end, they would’ve ended like they started, in person. But you had already let me go on that fifth day. You had already said good bye and I didn’t listen to it. I just didn’t want to believe that it was gone the moment I took off on that plane in the middle of the night.

But that’s not what happened and I cannot bear myself to regret a single moment of my life, because I have already made the commitment to take responsibility of everything that ever happened to me and everything I have done that have led me to my present. What does this mean now that you are gone and my heart is nowhere to be found? I don’t know. All I can say is that I’m not the same girl you met over a year and a half ago; I am not the girl I was when I was in Peru; and I am certainly not the same girl that took on a plane six months ago, with the promise of getting everything she needed to be able to provide you a new life, that new life you so desperately wanted and the happiness you deserved. I am gone, my heart’s nowhere to be found, and my sanity is slipping through these fingers as they type these letters in order to not have a bigger emotional breakdown like the one I experienced that afternoon I finally saw all the hurt I was causing you because I wasn’t strong enough to let go of the love I had for you.

You begged me to move and find someone else. Foolish of me to think you were just trying to push me away like you had done in the past. My stubbornness was like a razor blade cutting your skin and making you bleed, making you feel guilty because you were finding a new happiness with someone else while I was yearning for our already non-existent happiness. I am now telling you I am sorry. This was the reason I didn’t want to get emotionally involved with anyone anymore. I knew that when the time came, I was going to hurt you in some way; I just wish I wouldn't have been blinded by this consumed love so I could be able to stop at the moment you stopped loving me. You were just trying to protect me from yourself like I was trying to protect you from yourself; but I cannot protect you from yourself, you must fight and win that battle on your own.