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Falling. Swelling. Loving.

"What are your fears?" he asked.
"Failing... mistakes..." I think over my next statement. "...Commitment."
"Commitment?"
"Yes. Commitment. I'm afraid to love."
"Are you afraid to be loved or to love?"
"I'm afraid to love." He studies me eyes. Feeling uncomfortable I bat them away.
"You're not afraid to love" he says, "...you are afraid to admit you love." Goose bumps crawl over my skin. He was turning the pages of my heart... turning the lock on my door.
"Do we have to talk about this?" I ask, growing fidgety in my chair.
"Do you not want to?" he asks.
"No!... sorry... no. I do not."
"You wear a mask Navi. You wear it to protect yourself... but the longer you wear this mask, the more you will become like your mask."
"Well what if I like my mask? What if I want to be the mask?"
"...I can't understand you all too well... but one thing I do know is that your own mask scares you more than you know." I stand up from my chair abruptly.
"I'm going home now" I say putting on my coat.
"Fair enough" he says as he sips his coffee, "see you around." I walk out of the door furious and red faced. How dare he? So annoying... people asking questions. I hate it when people ask questions. It's aggravating and repetitive. Love. What a preposterous idea!
I drive home blasting Lorde over my speakers. I drain out all thoughts that consume my mind. Arriving home I make myself comfortable in my bedroom with my cats. Cats don't ask questions. The computer screen devours my eyes until I drift off to sleep.
Mornings... how disgusting. The sun shines to bright. None the less, it's winter. Such a dry, bitter season. I brew my coffee dreading the continuing day. College, people... interaction. None the less I brave the cold and march on. Throughout my daily routine last night's conversation emerges in my thoughts constantly. I begin to take my usual, logical approach. Why do I detest the idea of love so much? Better yet, why do I fear it? Experience, I assume. Six romantic interactions in which I opened myself to my partners like an easy to read children's book, only to be tossed off into a dusty corner. My heart, tattered and torn. I fear to tread that path. That's what trust does. It grabs a hold of you... it comforts you. Then it destroys you. A year ago I broke myself down until there was absolutely nothing left to me. I broke off my meaningless friendships. I stopped wearing makeup. I let my hair grow to an unruly length. I no longer cared. Piece by piece I built myself back up. I cut my hair. I changed my style. I began to draw once more. I was stronger, fearless, and independent... or so I assumed. I was still afraid. There were paths that I dared not to tread.
I spend my life alone. Bitterly, mostly in hatred... but it's comfortable.
After my schooling I drive home and lay down with my cats like I do every day. I try to relieve my mind of all thoughts to no success. One name, a name I had closed a door on, had opened its crack. Jeremy... I want to tell Jeremy. No. No I don't. Stop! How could I think such a thing? It's over. He loved you but he wasn't meant for you. He's too much work. Never settle for anything less than perfection. Get what you want. Jeremy is not what you want... but he's what I need. No! Stop! Work... get back to work. So I work. I read the English assignment that was given to me. Each word I read carefully until... Jeremy. Jeremy, Jeremy... Jeremy... JEREMY GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
I finally reach for my phone to call a good friend.
"Hello?"
"Garnet."
"OH! Hey, what's up?"
"He keeps interrupting me."
"What? Who?"
"Jeremy... he won't get out of my head."
"Oh... that guy who you had a thing with but never started anything and let him get away?"
"Yes... thanks for the flash back."
"Okay... so call him."
"No! Are you crazy? That's a death wish. He's long distance..."
"So what? Maybe that's what you need. Call him."
"But..."
"Navi. Call him."
"Fine" I say and hang up.
I take a deep breath... and dial.
*ring* *ring* *click* "Navi?"
"Hey... time to drop a bomb."
"Okay. Go for it.".......................................


A week later I find myself in a committed relationship with a long distance boyfriend. It's actually nice. I like the space and I have someone to tell my stories to. He still doesn't know much about me but that's okay. I'm fine with that. Garnet is staying the night. I had just said goodnight to Jeremy on the phone. Garnet has said the same to her boyfriend. We lay in bed together.
"Navi."
"Yes, Garnet?"
"Do you think you and Jeremy are going to last?"
"Well, it seems the distance is going to be more difficult on him than me. If it lasts, it lasts... if not, probably not... oh well I guess."
"Ouch" she said grasping her chest.
"Ouch?"
"Ouch. That was cold."
"Don't give me that. You're just as much of a bitch as I am."
"Navi, can I tell you something without you getting offended?"
"Me? Get offended by you? You give me the bird to respond to most of my statements."
"Valid point... either way, I think you need to hear this. That last relationship. I didn't know you then, but I know it killed you. You lost yourself. I know you weren't born this cold. You used to be free, bubbly and naïve I'm sure... but ever since then your heart has been on mute. No one knows who you really are, what you really feel. You are soft... you just refuse to show it. I really believe Jeremy was meant for you. Just think... three years he hasn't given up. Just this once... take your heart off mute."
I don't say anything. Neither does she. I think. Why think? What did Garnet just say? I slowly, carefully, peel away the mask over my face... I breathe slowly. The brick wall surrounding my heart begins to deteriorate... and for a moment I could swear I was glowing. I feel open... exposed... but it feels refreshing. I let my brain intrude for a moment for I know he is wise.
'Here is a mask to wear' he says.
'But it is translucent' says my heart.
'Here is a door for your heart' says my brain.
'And here is a key for your door. A key that can multiply' says my heart.
'A key that you can give to those you choose' says my brain.
'You are okay. You are human. You aren't just surviving... you are living' says my heart.
My eyes close in contentment and I drift off to sleep.

I'm going into this battle. It is no ordinary battle. It is a battle of love. As my zodiac encourages me I balance my brain and my heart. I no longer fear... I conquer.
Written by NavianaRose
Published | Edited 19th Feb 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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