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New here, accepting critique

twistedpenink
Strange Creature
Joined 10th Feb 2015
Forum Posts: 3

here is a sample poem that i am in the process of writing.
I am depression.
You know me.
I am the voice that haunts you at night.
I love making you miserable.
Your tears, your thoughts, are the life force i need.
I thrive off it. Feed off it.
I live to destroy.
I break people down and tear apart their very soul.
I'll leave your mind grasping for a chance for it to all be okay again.
I'll stay with you.
You can numb me with pills. You can weaken me.
But i'll always come back.
i'll come back even stronger.
I love hearing screams. cries.
Beg me for mercy. Beg me to release you from the Hell i have placed you in.
I just might think about it.
I play a deadly game with your psyche. Let's see who'll win.
Everyone knows im to blame when the trigger is pulled. When the blood spills. When the rope tightens. When the pills are swallowed.
But, to me, it's fun.
I will just infect another person with my sick and twisted ways.

DystopianMelody
Dangerous Mind
United Kingdom 9awards
Joined 9th Dec 2012
Forum Posts: 1391


MadameLavender
Guardian of Shadows
United States 86awards
Joined 17th Feb 2013
Forum Posts: 5594

Welcome to DUP! Please post poems in your "My Poems" section--starting forum threads for them are not necessary. Also use the introduce yourself link that Dystopian gave and there's a"Critique Me" thread in the Workshop forum where you can post a link to your profile or a specific poem , to get some traffic and reviews on your poems page.

Magnetron
Fire of Insight
United States 6awards
Joined 20th July 2014
Forum Posts: 433

p.s. You should change your name to twistedpenis.

Because it sounds hilarious.

hemihead
hemi
Dangerous Mind
New Zealand 13awards
Joined 1st Nov 2010
Forum Posts: 1749

Magnetron said: p.s. You should change your name to twistedpenis.

Because it sounds hilarious.


Probably looks pretty rough though...

http://www.embarrassingproblems.com/problem/penis-problems/bending-twisting-penis

Astyanax
Ceejay
Fire of Insight
United Kingdom 9awards
Joined 23rd Feb 2010
Forum Posts: 748

I'm afraid there comes a point where unvaried gloom and bleakness starts to look like self-indulgence. Try looking around you a bit more - there are other things in the world than depression.

fake_reality
Fire of Insight
United States 2awards
Joined 12th June 2012
Forum Posts: 1028

Well that was very nice. You really got the idea well, I didnt have any deep sad emotion becuse it wasn't personal enough but the concept came through well. Honestly your on the right track just keep writing. Oh welcome by the way. Some us are very friendly, others not so much. I'll be your naborly Christain feel free to message me anytime you or someone you know gets tired being depressed and is ready to surrender there life.

poet Anonymous

Magnetron said: p.s. You should change your name to twistedpenis.

Because it sounds hilarious.


Not half as funny as changing YOUR name to Magnetdong.

Magnetron
Fire of Insight
United States 6awards
Joined 20th July 2014
Forum Posts: 433

HollyDove said:Not half as funny as changing YOUR name to Magnetdong.

You got me laughing this morning.

Atakti
Tyrant of Words
32awards
Joined 1st Aug 2012
Forum Posts: 3273

Newbie, you got criticized for starting a thread, random comments about penis nicknames and some feedback on your subject matter.

Yep, that's a DU welcome.

If you want more feedback, leave LOTS of thoughtful comments. Read and follow other poets. If you want smart ass remarks, join the forums, but take nothing personally.

See ya around. Keep away from the Craic Dealer, he's major trouble.

lepperochan
Craic-Dealer
Guardian of Shadows
Palestine 67awards
Joined 1st Apr 2011
Forum Posts: 14449

Jaysus,  I didn't say nothin' bout nuthin ! why I oughta...

rabbitquest
Dangerous Mind
Ukraine 2awards
Joined 20th May 2012
Forum Posts: 2051

i tell you
its a little strange around here

the first piece of strangeness would be the innocuous title of this
forum:
REQUEST HELP OR CRITIQUES...
yep thats right folks
if you want your poem critiqued
come get your critiques here!

but unfortunately its a setup.

a trove of highly respected poetic
policemen will pounce on you,
and quiety inform you to go to
the 'introduce yourself' thread
and hit the critique me button!

or get out there and comment on a whole lot of
peoples poems so they might be inclined to read some
of yours.
heaven help us all if you are so crass as to actually request a critique
in a forum titled "Request help advice or critique for your poetry"


rabbitquest
Dangerous Mind
Ukraine 2awards
Joined 20th May 2012
Forum Posts: 2051

with that said i forgot my critque
there is a spelling error
I am dpression
should be
I am depressed.
finally the last line
can be changed to appeal to a wider audience
as kinky behaviour has become more mainstream
with the easy access to condoms to prevent STD's

also a little freudian slip?:
"i love making you miserable"
(my lovemaking is miserable)




fake_reality
Fire of Insight
United States 2awards
Joined 12th June 2012
Forum Posts: 1028

I like this guy his social backround from a terrible statest contra makes for very funny jokes. Now you guys do have bibles right? You don't need me to build a rocket to drop the word of God all over? Gosh I'll write that one down rockets drooping bibles all over.... Now that's better than any wepon it cuts at a man's heart to read that. Sorry that one just came out I was thinking he was funny and boom a bright idea for God, I'll call it the B-1 and then make a B-2 and shoot it all over London yes call me Verner Von Crazy.

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