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tell me what you think
This piece is called express yourself, I have found poem as a way to express myself, and this is to my fiance for encouraging me to write to be able to get my thoughts out.
Express Yourself
As with an ulcer, I feel a burning desire to scream
My voice a prisoner, as hate flows through my bloodstream
I am but my own co-pilot, and the id takes the wheel
Stranded within conscious, with tears my thoughts spill
Enslaved by my own doings, my actions tightens the shackles
Gasping for air, drowning with doubts and anxiety
With each breath I take, more distinct are the crackles
Quarantined within, thoughtless thoughts unravels eagerly
I begin to ponder if ever will I overcome my silent struggles
My mouth will open and speak, expose all my hoarded rubbles
Freedom of speech must feel great, when the speech knows freedom
Until then I sit in silence, alone with the words I crave to share
I am not at loss of words, but my voice fails to speak it
From the agony of powerlessness, dark ideas begins to sit
With desire fills my lungs, ready to protrude through my mouth
Yet again I block it, and with my words start another bout
Not always do I fail to speak, when I must I retreat
Times I should, it comes with increased peristalsis
But ideas are lodged in my throat, with no Heimlich I choke
I crave to share it with the world, my ideas are silver and gold
Slowly I share my feelings, through inaudible scream
Listen closely; you might as well let me in
I will turn your world to unfamiliar considerations
You will never be the same, once you see that you too are insane
Share the vibrations of my ideas, from you to me will form a fistula
Let the flow of doubts, fear and unknown knowledge
Streak the canvas as it freely flows with mere consistence
Let us share unspoken speech, through you, I will live.
Express Yourself
As with an ulcer, I feel a burning desire to scream
My voice a prisoner, as hate flows through my bloodstream
I am but my own co-pilot, and the id takes the wheel
Stranded within conscious, with tears my thoughts spill
Enslaved by my own doings, my actions tightens the shackles
Gasping for air, drowning with doubts and anxiety
With each breath I take, more distinct are the crackles
Quarantined within, thoughtless thoughts unravels eagerly
I begin to ponder if ever will I overcome my silent struggles
My mouth will open and speak, expose all my hoarded rubbles
Freedom of speech must feel great, when the speech knows freedom
Until then I sit in silence, alone with the words I crave to share
I am not at loss of words, but my voice fails to speak it
From the agony of powerlessness, dark ideas begins to sit
With desire fills my lungs, ready to protrude through my mouth
Yet again I block it, and with my words start another bout
Not always do I fail to speak, when I must I retreat
Times I should, it comes with increased peristalsis
But ideas are lodged in my throat, with no Heimlich I choke
I crave to share it with the world, my ideas are silver and gold
Slowly I share my feelings, through inaudible scream
Listen closely; you might as well let me in
I will turn your world to unfamiliar considerations
You will never be the same, once you see that you too are insane
Share the vibrations of my ideas, from you to me will form a fistula
Let the flow of doubts, fear and unknown knowledge
Streak the canvas as it freely flows with mere consistence
Let us share unspoken speech, through you, I will live.
Hi there...you should post on this link...please go there.
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/workshop/read/7129/15/
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/workshop/read/7129/15/
First, I agree with your fiancée that expressing oneself in writing is a good thing to do. However, I think you need to consider some basic elements of poetry, and would offer the following observations:
1. Do not attempt a rhyming poem unless you are comfortable with rhyme and have the vocabulary and skill to maintain it throughout the poem, without making it seem forced or awkward. In your poem, you start with a standard aabb rhyme scheme, though it is a little dubious (does 'wheel' really rhyme with 'spill'?).
2. Your first verse is crammed with unrelated imagery and clichés ('burning desire'). Suddenly you're a 'co-pilot', then your 'id' is taking the wheel. In line 4, should 'conscious' not be 'consciousness'?
3. In verse 2 you abandon the original rhyme scheme and go for an abab pattern, though 'crackles' is a peculiar word in the context, presumably used only because it rhymes with 'shackles', and does 'eagerly' rhyme with 'anxiety'?
'Tightens' should be 'tighten' and 'unravels' should be 'unravel' (plural subjects require plural verbs), and what are 'thoughtless thoughts'?
4. Verse 3: The rhyme scheme here collapses completely. Lines 1 and 2 are, I assume, supposed to rhyme, but 'rubbles' does not rhyme with 'struggles' and in fact the word 'rubble' does not exist in the plural; you have tried to force a rhyme by using a non-existent word. There is no attempt to rhyme the other two lines, though the last line of this verse, by itself, is not a bad poetical line: 'Until then I sit in silence, alone with the words I crave to share'.
5. Verse 5: A vague return to the aabb rhyme scheme of V.1, though 'mouth' does not rhyme with 'bout'. Again you mix plural subjects with singular verbs ('ideas begins'; 'fills/lungs'). The image of 'ready to protrude through my mouth' is just peculiar and slightly revolting.
6. No attempt to rhyme is made in the last three verses, which is something of a relief. The constant use of medical imagery - 'peristalsis', 'Heimlich', and the again somewhat unpleasant 'fistula' - interferes with the expression rather than clarifying it, though again you end with a pleasingly clear and simple poetic line: 'Let us share unspoken speech, through you, I will live.'
Throughout your poem, as with rhyme, your use of rhythm is inconsistent and often non-existent. Aspects of poetry such as rhyme and rhythm are not essential to the creation of a poem, but if used, they must be used with confidence and consistency; if used patchily or clumsily, they get in the way of the reader's appreciation of the thought which you are trying to express.
I would suggest, kay_cey, that you read a lot of poetry, of all types, and try to develop a more straightforward style which simply expresses your thoughts. Don't strive for unusual imagery for its own sake, but just write down your ideas, and don't try to force rhyme into a poem - it's not necessary and if you're not good at handling it, it can wreck a poem completely.
Good luck.
1. Do not attempt a rhyming poem unless you are comfortable with rhyme and have the vocabulary and skill to maintain it throughout the poem, without making it seem forced or awkward. In your poem, you start with a standard aabb rhyme scheme, though it is a little dubious (does 'wheel' really rhyme with 'spill'?).
2. Your first verse is crammed with unrelated imagery and clichés ('burning desire'). Suddenly you're a 'co-pilot', then your 'id' is taking the wheel. In line 4, should 'conscious' not be 'consciousness'?
3. In verse 2 you abandon the original rhyme scheme and go for an abab pattern, though 'crackles' is a peculiar word in the context, presumably used only because it rhymes with 'shackles', and does 'eagerly' rhyme with 'anxiety'?
'Tightens' should be 'tighten' and 'unravels' should be 'unravel' (plural subjects require plural verbs), and what are 'thoughtless thoughts'?
4. Verse 3: The rhyme scheme here collapses completely. Lines 1 and 2 are, I assume, supposed to rhyme, but 'rubbles' does not rhyme with 'struggles' and in fact the word 'rubble' does not exist in the plural; you have tried to force a rhyme by using a non-existent word. There is no attempt to rhyme the other two lines, though the last line of this verse, by itself, is not a bad poetical line: 'Until then I sit in silence, alone with the words I crave to share'.
5. Verse 5: A vague return to the aabb rhyme scheme of V.1, though 'mouth' does not rhyme with 'bout'. Again you mix plural subjects with singular verbs ('ideas begins'; 'fills/lungs'). The image of 'ready to protrude through my mouth' is just peculiar and slightly revolting.
6. No attempt to rhyme is made in the last three verses, which is something of a relief. The constant use of medical imagery - 'peristalsis', 'Heimlich', and the again somewhat unpleasant 'fistula' - interferes with the expression rather than clarifying it, though again you end with a pleasingly clear and simple poetic line: 'Let us share unspoken speech, through you, I will live.'
Throughout your poem, as with rhyme, your use of rhythm is inconsistent and often non-existent. Aspects of poetry such as rhyme and rhythm are not essential to the creation of a poem, but if used, they must be used with confidence and consistency; if used patchily or clumsily, they get in the way of the reader's appreciation of the thought which you are trying to express.
I would suggest, kay_cey, that you read a lot of poetry, of all types, and try to develop a more straightforward style which simply expresses your thoughts. Don't strive for unusual imagery for its own sake, but just write down your ideas, and don't try to force rhyme into a poem - it's not necessary and if you're not good at handling it, it can wreck a poem completely.
Good luck.
Anonymous
Check the profile before you bother responding, people.
kay_cey has been a member for 74 days and last visited 73 days ago.
kay_cey has been a member for 74 days and last visited 73 days ago.
