The "Critique Me" Thread
lepperochan
Craic-Dealer
Forum Posts: 14449
Craic-Dealer
Guardian of Shadows
67
Joined 1st Apr 2011Forum Posts: 14449
MayRayn said:I've just blurted this one out today. It feels in need of work (aren't they all?) and am curious what willing slicers and dicers will make of it. Have at it, with my blessings and gratitude.
(also appears here: http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/240221-in-perpetuity/ )
In Perpetuity
Bittersweet days slip through the hourglass.
first couple of lines are important, cos you want to try hook the reader. for me, the first line oozed bleak. your voice seems to start off monotone in in its nature and I think it, and the line which follows probably feature in every emo poem in history.
( I watch the sand grains, tear-stained, recalling )
our past pluperfect, enmeshed in each other
in a dream that led us to forget ourselves.
here's where it starts to get interesting, some original thought. you might consider sticking an : after other, it would allow you to drop the in at the start of the next line
I've tried to shelve the days and nights of
"...wish we were..." on that highest ledge,
scanning the horizon instead for what will be.
I think you could easily cut those couple of lines, I thought the next three worked very well, wasn't sure about the last couple of words though " in silent unison " seems a bit overkill
I fear I will need to scour my mind free
of any part of you. And so I've buried us
where our hearts now beat in silent unison.
Sadness and yearning clamoring
brought us together.
it's amost like there's two different voices vying for an ear. that's to say, there are places where it would seem there was a level of strugle involved in translating your thoughts. for instance if you compare the line
"Sadness and yearning clamoring
brought us together"
which seems a bit congested compared to the lines below which are clear, and also add a metaphorical angle
We shifted
sand dunes to make treasured moments,
those memories tattooed under our skin
as angels danced on prickling pins. ...just no ..NO! Goddammnit
And so I sit, watching the days slip,
still bittersweet, one grain at a time -
each grown into a pearl of wonder.
If we could only turn the hourglass without
spilling what anchors us in fertile soil,
and plant our memories to feed the roses.
Advice wise, I'd suggest keeping with the more clear stanzas, and steering from the tried and tried-more words and phrases like hourglass etc
your voice did pick up after the first couple of lines, and for the most part stayed up, there were a couple of occasions where I thought it doubled back but you snapped out of it within a line or two
(also appears here: http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/240221-in-perpetuity/ )
In Perpetuity
Bittersweet days slip through the hourglass.
first couple of lines are important, cos you want to try hook the reader. for me, the first line oozed bleak. your voice seems to start off monotone in in its nature and I think it, and the line which follows probably feature in every emo poem in history.
( I watch the sand grains, tear-stained, recalling )
our past pluperfect, enmeshed in each other
in a dream that led us to forget ourselves.
here's where it starts to get interesting, some original thought. you might consider sticking an : after other, it would allow you to drop the in at the start of the next line
I've tried to shelve the days and nights of
"...wish we were..." on that highest ledge,
scanning the horizon instead for what will be.
I think you could easily cut those couple of lines, I thought the next three worked very well, wasn't sure about the last couple of words though " in silent unison " seems a bit overkill
I fear I will need to scour my mind free
of any part of you. And so I've buried us
where our hearts now beat in silent unison.
Sadness and yearning clamoring
brought us together.
it's amost like there's two different voices vying for an ear. that's to say, there are places where it would seem there was a level of strugle involved in translating your thoughts. for instance if you compare the line
"Sadness and yearning clamoring
brought us together"
which seems a bit congested compared to the lines below which are clear, and also add a metaphorical angle
We shifted
sand dunes to make treasured moments,
those memories tattooed under our skin
as angels danced on prickling pins. ...just no ..NO! Goddammnit
And so I sit, watching the days slip,
still bittersweet, one grain at a time -
each grown into a pearl of wonder.
If we could only turn the hourglass without
spilling what anchors us in fertile soil,
and plant our memories to feed the roses.
Advice wise, I'd suggest keeping with the more clear stanzas, and steering from the tried and tried-more words and phrases like hourglass etc
your voice did pick up after the first couple of lines, and for the most part stayed up, there were a couple of occasions where I thought it doubled back but you snapped out of it within a line or two
Distorted_Lust
Joined 28th May 2016
Forum Posts: 19
Lost Thinker
Forum Posts: 19
I'm a lost soul,..
Full with passion that resides inside,
I try to envolp deeply as possible,
As I flip through the pages of the litany of knoledge accursed from prior tragidies,
As irrelevant this seems I wrote this book as I went mad you see,..
I have the soul of a beast, a creature,
It troubles me to understand,
As i reach out to the madness,
In return a ethereal hand a
Full with passion that resides inside,
I try to envolp deeply as possible,
As I flip through the pages of the litany of knoledge accursed from prior tragidies,
As irrelevant this seems I wrote this book as I went mad you see,..
I have the soul of a beast, a creature,
It troubles me to understand,
As i reach out to the madness,
In return a ethereal hand a
MayRayn
May Rayn
Forum Posts: 113
May Rayn
Thought Provoker
2
Joined 10th May 2016Forum Posts: 113
@Lepp and @AlwaysHungry
Thanks much to both of you! Really useful feedback, lots to think about. Very much obliged.
Thanks much to both of you! Really useful feedback, lots to think about. Very much obliged.
MayRayn
May Rayn
Forum Posts: 113
May Rayn
Thought Provoker
2
Joined 10th May 2016Forum Posts: 113
Take 2:
In Perpetuity
I watch the sand grains drip through endlessly,
recall our past pluperfect enmeshed in each other,
in dreams that led us to forget ourselves.
I've tried to shelve the days and nights of
"...wish we were..."
and scanned horizons for what will be.
I thought I'd need to scour my mind free
of any part of you. I've now buried us
where our hearts beat in silent unison.
Sadness and yearning brought us together.
We shifted sand dunes to make treasured moments,
those memories hidden, tattooed under our skin.
And so I sit, watching the days slip,
bittersweet, one grain at a time -
each grown into a pearl of wonder
worn near my heart until our days run out.
Anonymous
Lepperochan and I may be pulling you in different directions. I was fine with "Bittersweet days slip through the hourglass." I don't think that sand grains "drip." Perhaps they "drift." But "slip" accurately describes the actual physical phenomenon, plus there is an additional, helpful implication of the days slipping away, slipping from your helpless grasp. I would try to further develop the notion of days as grains of sand, innumerable days, days that all look the same.
MayRayn
May Rayn
Forum Posts: 113
May Rayn
Thought Provoker
2
Joined 10th May 2016Forum Posts: 113
Hmmm.... thanks. I will think on it some more.
Anonymous
I am a narcissistic woman.
I believe everyone is beneath me.
I chose the path that suited me,
no matter who I hurt.
Im getting old. I don't like who I am.
I am bound by my choices.
I will change.
"Freedom is not worth having, if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes" Gandhi
I can change.
I believe everyone is beneath me.
I chose the path that suited me,
no matter who I hurt.
Im getting old. I don't like who I am.
I am bound by my choices.
I will change.
"Freedom is not worth having, if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes" Gandhi
I can change.
Anonymous
Iam a narcissistic woman.
I believe everyone is beneath me.
I chose the path that suited me,
no matter who I hurt.
Im getting old. I don't like who I am.
I am bound by my choices.
I will change.
"Freedom is not worth having, if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes" Gandhi
I can change.
I believe everyone is beneath me.
I chose the path that suited me,
no matter who I hurt.
Im getting old. I don't like who I am.
I am bound by my choices.
I will change.
"Freedom is not worth having, if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes" Gandhi
I can change.
JohnnyBlaze
Forum Posts: 5572
Tyrant of Words
23
Joined 20th Mar 2015Forum Posts: 5572
What the hell? I turn my back for a moment and all hell breaks loose in here.
pollyannaish_poet
Joined 10th June 2016
Forum Posts: 12
Strange Creature
Forum Posts: 12
I love this website!
OxyMoronicMe
G.L.
Forum Posts: 1470
G.L.
Dangerous Mind
24
Joined 15th Feb 2016Forum Posts: 1470
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/231385-awakening-peek/
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/231386-awakening-confusion/
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/231429-awakening-wet-dream/
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/231430-awakening-conscious/
Hello,
I am looking to improve my Awakening (four part series fictional prose) composition. I would be very grateful for your help. Please, if you have a spare time, would you take a peek and see how it is? I know there are some proofreads and other corrections but I just can't see it with my own eyes. Something is missing and I don't know what.
Many thanks in advance to anyone who would spare it some time.
My gratitude...
Hugz,
Oxy
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/231386-awakening-confusion/
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/231429-awakening-wet-dream/
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/231430-awakening-conscious/
Hello,
I am looking to improve my Awakening (four part series fictional prose) composition. I would be very grateful for your help. Please, if you have a spare time, would you take a peek and see how it is? I know there are some proofreads and other corrections but I just can't see it with my own eyes. Something is missing and I don't know what.
Many thanks in advance to anyone who would spare it some time.
My gratitude...
Hugz,
Oxy
XCIDED
Joined 11th Sep 2016
Forum Posts: 2
Strange Creature
Forum Posts: 2
Hi! I found the interest to write for like 4-5 months ago and i like it then it goes my way! I have been uploaded two "poems" on song lyrics and they are for two different songs! So please check them out and give me critique! ///XCIDED
JohnnyBlaze
Forum Posts: 5572
Tyrant of Words
23
Joined 20th Mar 2015Forum Posts: 5572
XCIDED said:Hi! I found the interest to write for like 4-5 months ago and i like it then it goes my way! I have been uploaded two "poems" on song lyrics and they are for two different songs! So please check them out and give me critique! ///XCIDED
1. Use a spell checker. You spelled "together" wrong several times.
2. Both songs are not very engaging because they are too brief and have no inherent musicality.
Make them longer and make them so that we sing them along to imaginary music as we read them.
1. Use a spell checker. You spelled "together" wrong several times.
2. Both songs are not very engaging because they are too brief and have no inherent musicality.
Make them longer and make them so that we sing them along to imaginary music as we read them.
RevolutionAL
Alistair Plint
Forum Posts: 1257
Alistair Plint
Dangerous Mind
29
Joined 24th July 2012Forum Posts: 1257
Okay looking for some old timers with balls
and a rude mouth on em
Battled to make it sit on a page nice and square.
Put it together in a completely new style.
Used an entirely belligerent topic for the Metaphore... Want to work it to death...
It lives here (link below) if you've got the know how and talk... I'd appreciate your walk through it. (If "nice" is what you got, walk on by and wave rather)
deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/252451-the-apollo-of-poetry-complex/
I'm outta smarties for prizes... We gonna have to smack it for love xxx
and a rude mouth on em
Battled to make it sit on a page nice and square.
Put it together in a completely new style.
Used an entirely belligerent topic for the Metaphore... Want to work it to death...
It lives here (link below) if you've got the know how and talk... I'd appreciate your walk through it. (If "nice" is what you got, walk on by and wave rather)
deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/252451-the-apollo-of-poetry-complex/
I'm outta smarties for prizes... We gonna have to smack it for love xxx
crimsin
Unveiling
Forum Posts: 2608
Unveiling
Tyrant of Words
121
Joined 25th Jan 2011 Forum Posts: 2608
delete