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The "Critique Me" Thread

AscensionES
Aptilneilrionaltion
Dangerous Mind
Australia 9awards
Joined 22nd Jan 2013
Forum Posts: 1797

hemihead said:Workshopping is like this....

Hey motherfuckers, I've wrote this world-shaker of a piece, but I can't get the ending to pop in a way that would make a nun shit her knickers, and given that I intend solving world hunger with it, can you take a look;

me and my bitches was cracking some smoke, son
then along came a copper motherfucker and said
"did you bring enough for everyone"
I said "yeah yeah boy" and handed him my crack pipe
he gave me his badge and said
"solve the whole world
if you really really think you might"

I think the first two lines speak volumes about the neo-classical response of blind children to technology, but I feel that the second half of the first and last verse don't fully commit to my intense love of dog-shit. Can anyone help?


A person not using the workshop feature correctly might say;

hey wot's up I'm fucking good at writing and I want you to bow down and suck my pen-scribe writer dick by telling me that spelling and punctuation are for fags and you think I'm the new james dean of writing cos all my mates call me Shakespeare so I guess your opinion only matters to me if you agree yeah yeah fuck you sorry I'm too genius to read the rules or get to know anyone but you can come to my booksigning if you want.


http://lite.epaper.timesofindia.com/Repository/TOIKRKO/2012/11/02/22/Img/Pc0221700.jpg


MadameLavender
Guardian of Shadows
United States 86awards
Joined 17th Feb 2013
Forum Posts: 5594

Looks like we're pinned now for this thread, so that's good, and we can direct newbies and others in need of a bit of personal attention, to here.  :)

druidicheirophant
AVARIS DEMALO
Twisted Dreamer
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Joined 27th Apr 2013
Forum Posts: 194

AYO IM STRAIGHT BORN TO BROOD CALL ME CAIN FIRSTBORN OF THE WITCHBLOOD DWELLED WITH THE NAGAS WITH HOODS IN BABYLONIAN BROTHERHOODS BEST KEEP IN MIND WHAT WAS DESIGNED AFTER THE FLOOD REPTILIAN ARYAN CROSSBREED BLOODLINES ILLUMINED ONES MALIGN NEVER CEASE WE PHOENICIAN BLUE EYED HIGH PRIESTS FROM JUST NORTH OF THE BLACK SEA AND THE MIDDLE EAST CALL US THE ACHAEMENIDS AND MEDES WE MEDIATE CAUSE OF GREED THE MASSES AND THE BEAST GOT ME GOING STRAIGHT FUCKING BALLISTIC WITH EVIL WIZARDS AND MYSTICS ARISE TO EARTH FROM DARK CRYPTS CHASING THE SACRED WHORES IN THE BLOODLINE OF LILITH



DARK CULTS OF THE DRAGON BLOODLINES OVERULED BY FALLEN LEGIONS ANGELICAL QLIPHOTHIC DEMONS THAT FELL FROM THE HIGHER REGIONS CO OPTED ARCHAIC WOUNDS OF THE WESTERN FIR BOLG AND PHOENICIANS REPTILIAN ENTITIES THAT TAUGHT WITCHCRAFT TO THE ATLANTEANS WE HAVE FALLEN JUST LIKE THE NEPHILIM AND FELL UNDER THE WHIM OF NEFARIOUS ANGELICAL DEVILKIN DRUJ AND JINN LUCIFERIAN BEINGS CAME DOWN TAUGHT ME THE DARK ARTS OF SORCERY ANCIENT HISTORY SO HOARY FALLEN ONE MANIPULATING MORBIDLY DRAGON BLOODLINES MALIGN AND DIVINE INVADERS OF TIMELINES CAPTURING LIGHT SOULS HALTING DIVINE FLOWS LEAVING YOU IN THE HELLISH SPHERES OF THE COSMOS    
   
   
INTO THE UNDERWORLD IM HURLED AS I ROAM WITH HEKATES DARK HOUNDS IN THE MIDNIGHT WORLD IM A DESCENDENT OF MAGOG GAELIC ATLANTEANS HAUNTED BY SATANIC ANGELS ALIEN TO THE FIR BOLG THAT HAUNT EVERY BOG MILESIAN HEATHENS BLACK MAGICIAN OVERLORDS OF SOUL SIPHONING DEMONS SPLICE THE GENES OF THE SCYTHIANS AND THE BLUE EYED PHOENICIANS ALONG WITH THE ANNUNANKI BLOOD OF THE DRAKE SNAKES NEPHILIM FIRSTBORN OF THE WITCHBLOOD CAME HERE THROUGH THE STARGATES AS I GO BACK TO THE DAYS WHEN REPTILIANS CAME ALONG WITH THERE ALIEN GREYS THERE PROGRAMMING AND CO OPTING OF THE MALAISE THROWS A BIG HAZE OVER MY ABILITY TO GAZE  OF BEING A PURE SIDHE FAERIE A WAY FROM THE TACTICS THAT WAYLAY HIGHER SHINING ONES TO THE UNDER GATEWAYS ASCENDING INTO PURE BLISS SO THE SORCERIES OF THE FALLEN ONES FROM THE ABYSS CAST AMISS    
   
   
THE BENT ONES AND THE RAYLESS ONES UNHOLY CRAFTS OF WRATH OF CAINS SONS CAST DOWN FROM HIGH PLACES THESE FALLEN ANGEL RACES BE UNDER THE VEILS OF ALL OF THESE PLACES I BESTOW AND BEGET ENDOWMENTS AS I INVOKE BAPHOMET ONE WITH HERNE HORNED ONES SUMMONED BY CULTS OF SATURN BECOME EGYPTIAN GOD PAN WICH IS THO OR THEO TO THE SCYTHIAN HENCHMEN ASTRAL GODHEAD FOUNTAINHEADS CONNECTED TO EVERY MAN ARCHETYPAL DEIFIC FIGURES SKIM THE FILES OF THE SEQUESTERED OCCULT LITERATURES AND YOUL FIND THE MOST HIGH SECRETS OF THE PURE    
   
   
IM WITH FALLEN ANGELS AND IMPURE REAPERS OF DEATH IN THE UNDERWORLDS IM ENTANGLED AS I BECOME A CREEPER WITH SETH INHALE BLUE PRANA AND EXHALE BLACKNESS EVERY BREATH ANGEL RACES OF LIGHT FALLEN INTO ACCURSEDNESS KNEE DEEP IN BLACKWITCHCRAFT AND OBSESSED WITH EVERY EVIL SORCERESS DRESSED IN RED AND BLACK DRESSES WHORES OF BABYLON AND TEMPRESSES BUT HEKATES PRIESTESSES SAY I GOT TO LIVE MESSLESS LIKE IN LEMURIAN TIMES SHIT WAS BENIGN AND FAULTLESS BUT AFTER THE FLOODS TIMES SATANIC ANGELS GOT ME HYBRIDIZED SO NOW ITS HARD TO RISE LIFETIMES OF ENDLESS CRIES AND BLACKENED SKIES    
   
   
REIGN IN BLOOD HEIRARCHIES OF JINN IN HOODS INTERFACE THE DATABASE WITH ALIENS AND DRUJ COMING FROM TIMELINES OF THE ANCIENT MULTIVERSE INVADED THIS WORLD TO SPREAD AN ANCIENT CURSE DEMON SPAWN INCARNATED FROM THE DEPTHS OF THE COSMOS PARRALEL REGIONS AND DIMENSIONS LOG ON YOUTUBE JUST TO POST FLOWS WE BOARD MOTHERSHIPS DRESSED N POSSESSED IN RED AND BLACK LIKE CRIPS HOVERING ABOVE THE GLOBE MAD AS SHIT WE THE DARKEST OF PROPHETS SPITTING THE MOST UNHOLY OF NONSENSE THESE POSITS I DEPOSIT REVEAL HOW IM DOMINANT IN THE KINGDOMS OF DEMONIC SPITS

johnrot
Tyrant of Words
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Joined 10th Oct 2012
Forum Posts: 3645

nobody wants to read anything all in caps...........


jus sayin................

poet Anonymous

Damn john, that pic is extremely disturbing. I think its my karma from when I had the skull throwing up rainbows and a few said it disturbed them.

I'd second the motion to change from all those caps.
Also, I see you have a lot of knowledge on conspiracy type issues, aliens more specifically and I think the piece, with caps removed, is loaded with good content and a deep level of thought on alternative realities, but that it isn't clear why the protagonist is stating all of it or whom he is addressing? I think with a cpl minor alterations, this will be a really good piece with a lot of depth.


druidicheirophant
AVARIS DEMALO
Twisted Dreamer
United States 1awards
Joined 27th Apr 2013
Forum Posts: 194

hey mikimoon thanks so much!!

poet Anonymous

No trouble, I think you have a lot of worthy stuff in the piece

lepperochan
Craic-Dealer
Guardian of Shadows
Palestine 67awards
Joined 1st Apr 2011
Forum Posts: 14449

mikimoondancer said:Damn john, that pic is extremely disturbing.

wow, Missus Moon ..that's a bit personal.  don't mind her Jon, you're a handsome fucker


yeah caps..

poet Anonymous

Hang on dude! He changed it since then...
:) you're gorgeous now, john

Magdalena
Spartalena
Tyrant of Words
Wales 62awards
Joined 21st Apr 2012
Forum Posts: 2993

I agree re-caps.

Also... Lep, you need to trim your beard. :P

lepperochan
Craic-Dealer
Guardian of Shadows
Palestine 67awards
Joined 1st Apr 2011
Forum Posts: 14449

..it's too cold for that shit, and anyway beards are the new black/ orange ..beards are cool, clearly :)'

Magdalena
Spartalena
Tyrant of Words
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Joined 21st Apr 2012
Forum Posts: 2993

lepperochan said: ..it's too cold for that shit, and anyway beards are the new black/ orange ..beards are cool, clearly :)'

Ah, depends on the beard..  Nonetheless I'm sure the cock don't appreciate being devoured by a long haired hippy dude  :P

johnrot
Tyrant of Words
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Joined 10th Oct 2012
Forum Posts: 3645

i like how a brotha's chin whiskas go grey there,
cuz thas where they get the most wear and tear.............

poet Anonymous

Aww, Mag
Thanks for those crazy thoughts and all those images haha
Craic is going through some changes lately lol

Magdalena
Spartalena
Tyrant of Words
Wales 62awards
Joined 21st Apr 2012
Forum Posts: 2993

mikimoondancer said:Aww, Mag
Thanks for those crazy thoughts and all those images haha
Craic is going through some changes lately lol


Sorry about that Miki haha.

John, put some clothes on  :P

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