The "Critique Me" Thread
Hey, Lepperochan, thanks for the critique! It's interesting to see how another poet perceives something I have written. You make some good points, one of the things I have been trying to get away from is using cliche phrases which is a bit subjective I suppose, I still need to work on that!
One thing i was trying to maintain was four line phrases, so there may be a bit of word padding there. I try to get these done within ten minutes because after that I feel like I might exceed or change the original intent of the poem, I don't want to over think things but maybe I should?
Again thanks so much for taking the time to read and analyze it really helps me to get better!!
One thing i was trying to maintain was four line phrases, so there may be a bit of word padding there. I try to get these done within ten minutes because after that I feel like I might exceed or change the original intent of the poem, I don't want to over think things but maybe I should?
Again thanks so much for taking the time to read and analyze it really helps me to get better!!
Always looking for ways to do better, here's my stuff...
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems-by/Bushido/
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems-by/Bushido/
I recently edited and rewrote parts of my piece See Me Fail and would love some critique from anyone willing to give it. I feel like I streamlined the piece with this last edit but a second opinion on it would be great.
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/232527-see-me-fail/
(it's in the song lyrics section)
See Me Fail
I am humbled by your admiration,
innocent, no complication,
in your mind.
Your presence is jubilation,
innocent, no corruption,
of your soul,
I know,
some day I will watch,
as you fulfil your potential,
and know that I helped you,
reach the pinnacle,
of who you are...
Though deep inside,
the feeling brews,
my greatest fear,
that what I hold dear,
will see me fail.
Lived through trials and tribulations,
that you will never know,
spared of my struggles,
spared of my pain.
I believe,
some day I will see,
as you fulfil your potential,
my greatest creation,
has reached the pinnacle,
of life and love...
Though deep inside,
the feeling brews,
my greatest fear,
that what I hold dear,
will see me fail.
I have faith in you,
my sole purpose,
and if the ship starts to sail,
I'll be your anchor...
And I hope,
the feeling that brews,
deep inside,
will never surface,
and you will never,
see me fail...
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/232527-see-me-fail/
(it's in the song lyrics section)
See Me Fail
I am humbled by your admiration,
innocent, no complication,
in your mind.
Your presence is jubilation,
innocent, no corruption,
of your soul,
I know,
some day I will watch,
as you fulfil your potential,
and know that I helped you,
reach the pinnacle,
of who you are...
Though deep inside,
the feeling brews,
my greatest fear,
that what I hold dear,
will see me fail.
Lived through trials and tribulations,
that you will never know,
spared of my struggles,
spared of my pain.
I believe,
some day I will see,
as you fulfil your potential,
my greatest creation,
has reached the pinnacle,
of life and love...
Though deep inside,
the feeling brews,
my greatest fear,
that what I hold dear,
will see me fail.
I have faith in you,
my sole purpose,
and if the ship starts to sail,
I'll be your anchor...
And I hope,
the feeling that brews,
deep inside,
will never surface,
and you will never,
see me fail...
uniqueshaky said:http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/232527-see-me-fail/
(it's in the song lyrics section)
See Me Fail
I have faith in you,
my sole purpose,
and if the ship starts to sail,
I'll be your anchor...
And I hope,
the feeling that brews,
deep inside,
will never surface,
and you will never,
see me fail...
Anchors weight ships down, keep them idle and going nowhere. This symbolism contradicts your desire for this other person to be unlimited and capable of reaching new destinations. Being an anchor for someone in a storm is a different story.
Honestly, the vibe I get is this emo woe is me feeling because you are making the focus of the song about yourself - while telling us about this other person seems to be just an excuse for you to wallow in some yet to be elaborated on misery in front of an audience.
Emotional poetry is tricky business and this is drifting into waters of manipulating the reader into feeling sorry for you.
(it's in the song lyrics section)
See Me Fail
I have faith in you,
my sole purpose,
and if the ship starts to sail,
I'll be your anchor...
And I hope,
the feeling that brews,
deep inside,
will never surface,
and you will never,
see me fail...
Anchors weight ships down, keep them idle and going nowhere. This symbolism contradicts your desire for this other person to be unlimited and capable of reaching new destinations. Being an anchor for someone in a storm is a different story.
Honestly, the vibe I get is this emo woe is me feeling because you are making the focus of the song about yourself - while telling us about this other person seems to be just an excuse for you to wallow in some yet to be elaborated on misery in front of an audience.
Emotional poetry is tricky business and this is drifting into waters of manipulating the reader into feeling sorry for you.
PsycoticMastermind said:* crickets chirping *
Johnny Balze and Magnet Ron seem to be scaring away the newbies with their critiques.
Bored? You could kill some time eviscerating any of my pieces that asks for honest critique. The ones with friendly feedback were just for fun but if the mood strikes you you could have at those as well.
Johnny Balze and Magnet Ron seem to be scaring away the newbies with their critiques.
Bored? You could kill some time eviscerating any of my pieces that asks for honest critique. The ones with friendly feedback were just for fun but if the mood strikes you you could have at those as well.
Trixareforkids said:
Bored?
Boredom is usually the case when I can be found literally talking to myself.
You could kill some time eviscerating any of my pieces that asks for honest critique. The ones with friendly feedback were just for fun but if the mood strikes you you could have at those as well.
Hmmm .... sounds like a worthwhile invitation to dine on your poetic chops.
Bored?
Boredom is usually the case when I can be found literally talking to myself.
You could kill some time eviscerating any of my pieces that asks for honest critique. The ones with friendly feedback were just for fun but if the mood strikes you you could have at those as well.
Hmmm .... sounds like a worthwhile invitation to dine on your poetic chops.
Hello everyone. I mean to print this poem and have it laminated so I can give it to my son next month (May) as present along with my gifts. My son is just turning seven and though he may not understand this poem for now, I badly need this polished before his birthday. Please critique as to how I can make this poem better. Thank you in advance.
Paul
---------------
Tyr Alexander
© ThornWithin
March 23, 2016
I was there when you were so fragile
Birth scabs and all you were so adorable
Though with headache and raging fever still I linger
Just to stay at your mama's side, to see you born
Never thought I am required a name to give you
I was a husband and never been a father all my life
They told me to name you after myself but I won't
Told myself to name you something unique, distinct
Fan of myths and lore, of triumphs and bravery
I quickly thought of a name you can be proud of
As the resident nurse unwaveringly demanded
Of a name to write on her hospital records.
You nearly died, my vision dimmed it seemed
Your heart stopped, your breathing ceased
Caesarean operation required, your mama I admired
Her strength, her will, her prayers, and her tears.
The nurse that time was so annoying, untolerating
Unfeeling bitch, why can't she be procrastinating
And let this happy father enjoy the feeling
Of seeing his son and not be demanding.
A name, I ponder and for a few minutes wonder
So I think and rethink my thoughts like forever wander
Before I settled with the Nordic God Tyr
And a great Greek military commander Alexander
Written by ThornWithin
Paul
---------------
Tyr Alexander
© ThornWithin
March 23, 2016
I was there when you were so fragile
Birth scabs and all you were so adorable
Though with headache and raging fever still I linger
Just to stay at your mama's side, to see you born
Never thought I am required a name to give you
I was a husband and never been a father all my life
They told me to name you after myself but I won't
Told myself to name you something unique, distinct
Fan of myths and lore, of triumphs and bravery
I quickly thought of a name you can be proud of
As the resident nurse unwaveringly demanded
Of a name to write on her hospital records.
You nearly died, my vision dimmed it seemed
Your heart stopped, your breathing ceased
Caesarean operation required, your mama I admired
Her strength, her will, her prayers, and her tears.
The nurse that time was so annoying, untolerating
Unfeeling bitch, why can't she be procrastinating
And let this happy father enjoy the feeling
Of seeing his son and not be demanding.
A name, I ponder and for a few minutes wonder
So I think and rethink my thoughts like forever wander
Before I settled with the Nordic God Tyr
And a great Greek military commander Alexander
Written by ThornWithin
Hullo
Paul, most of this poem seems to be about you. is that how you want it ?
I find, these things are awful hard to do alone. I remember having to ask a member to help me edit a poem i wrote for my granddaughter, but didnt have the added preassure of knowing itd be lamenated and kept forever.
if you like, send me a pm and I'll help you edit it
Paul, most of this poem seems to be about you. is that how you want it ?
I find, these things are awful hard to do alone. I remember having to ask a member to help me edit a poem i wrote for my granddaughter, but didnt have the added preassure of knowing itd be lamenated and kept forever.
if you like, send me a pm and I'll help you edit it
