Honest Critique Needed!

This is my newest poem. Please leave me your most honest opinion. I promise not to be offended or hurt. Every opinion counts!


✨An Angel Came ✨

Last night, an angel came to me,
He spoke to me and said to have no fear.
He wiped away my tears,
and said 'I'll always be in your heart,
Even though we are far apart.'

I see him in my dreams,
I feel him in my soul.
I know everything will be ok,
At least that's what they say.

Last night an angel came to me.
He said he will forever be,
Right here in my heart
Even though we are far apart.

In heaven, he's watching.
He's waiting to hear his name be called.

No matter where we're at in life,
He'll always be there to make it right.

a death of words, an afront to literacy, a feeling like acid being punched into my eyes by a paedophile pornographer, a globulous heap, some kind of sickness on the page, a fart, a dry fuck, a bloody quim of underdone ideas, a cancer of verse, a saccharine shit, a meaningless mound of semi-pseudo psychobabble and judeo-junk, new-age cock, an effluent outfall.

keep the stars. burn the rest.

that was beautiful funny

There could be a job at Hallmark, in your future, and I don't mean that as an insult.

MadameLavender said:There could be a job at Hallmark, in your future, and I don't mean that as an insult.

Thanks....very kind of you to say. I always figured they'd be a bit put off by the swearing.

hemihead said:[quote-270198-MadameLavender]There could be a job at Hallmark, in your future, and I don't mean that as an insult.

Thanks....very kind of you to say. I always figured they'd be a bit put off by the swearing.[/quote]

But your post would make a totally kick-ass sympathy card...

Dreamer--I read your profile and all I can say is you're young (same age as my daughter in fact), keep writing if you love to write, and keep all of your poems--don't destroy them because someday they'll be your early work, and you may enjoy looking back on it to see how much you have changed from where you are now to where you will be, later in life . :)

Okay, first of all, lovely poem. I have no objective critique to offer, so everything I'll say has to do with my personal opinion, but I guess sometimes opinions helps you expand your horizons (:
First of all, regarding the rhymes, keeping a rhyme scheme is fine, but you might want to experiment with it a bit to make it more your own. Try to deviate from it. Let's say, you could start by switching the usual aabb for a more twisted abab scheme, then gradually moving towards something like aaab aaab, then maybe forgetting about the rhyme altogether, only adding it when it seems needed.
Next, the flow. Read your poem out loud and try to figure out if it sounds nice to you when spoken. Sometimes abbreviations (you're instead of you are, we'd instead of we would...) help add rhythm to your piece, while sometimes making it lengthy keeps a good pace. Experimentation is key here too as the more you work on this, the more you find a flow that's unique to your own liking. Again, don't be afraid to try out new things.
Also, you rely on full sentences a lot. Poetry can be a lot more free than prose, and forgetting about some punctuation/verbs/adverbs/pronouns or even resorting to single word sentences can be fun. Try it out to see what feels right.
And personally I can't not suggest to try out more symbolism and/or imagery to enrich the piece, but that's very personal and your piece is lovely as it is.
Keep up the good work

"lovely as it is" ....no it's not! Come on! And who the heck are "they"??? You've managed to say the same thing in each stanza; at least try and say it differently. You haven't given us much furniture to move around in this one. I know it's good to sometimes let your readers use their imaginations, but we don't want to write the thing for you. This one needs a lot of work, but at least you've started and that can be the hardest part.

tornado

I would rearrange my wording and leave out the last line in the first stanza, as well as the last line in the second stanza. Maybe clean the message up a little bit. I do agree with tornado, you seem to repeat yourself in every stanza. Though the message you were trying to convey, was beautiful. Just my two cents, I’m not good at attempting to critique other poet’s work.



Here is just my take on what your poem implied:  Xoxo

Last night an angel came to me
wiped my tears
and commanded me  
to abandon my fears

“I’ll always be in your heart,” he promised

he anointed my belief by his presence;
in my dreams
in my heart
in my soul

I know everything will be alright
he’s never far away
shadowing me with his protection

watching me from heaven
waiting....
for my name to be called

DreamerSeeker said:This is my newest poem. Please leave me your most honest opinion. I promise not to be offended or hurt. Every opinion counts!


✨An Angel Came ✨

Last night, an angel came to me,
He spoke to me and said to have no fear.
He wiped away my tears,
and said 'I'll always be in your heart,
Even though we are far apart.'

I see him in my dreams,
I feel him in my soul.
I know everything will be ok,
At least that's what they say.

Last night an angel came to me.
He said he will forever be,
Right here in my heart
Even though we are far apart.

In heaven, he's watching.
He's waiting to hear his name be called.

No matter where we're at in life,
He'll always be there to make it right.


http://stockfresh.com/files/p/penywise/m/52/511940_stock-photo-metal-crutches.jpg

Dreamerseeker - Do you post on any other poetry websites just to clarify?

I ask because when I google your pieces they go back to poetry.com. With several different user names.

Yes, Raven Rose has "morning Flower" in her collection at poetry.com

Her profile:
http://www.poetry.com/users/403274

I could be wrong, but seems Raven Rose has been mentioned on this site before (in forums).

This is by no means an accusation, I'm just asking for some clarification. Because it comes up with dream seeker, Angel B, and Raven rose when I google them.

I just google people routinely now. Force of habit.

Thanks Missy & HollyDove--I've sent a message to have DreamerSeeker stop by here to check in with some clarification.