Newbie requesting some advice on this piece, please

I have a poem that I wrote today, but before I officially post it, I'd really appreciate some feedback... Any suggestions and tips would help a lot, but I'd prefer it as constructive criticism rather than insults. Thank you

Portal to the Underworld

This life
is an utter
bore.
Wake up in the morning,
Headache greets you
with a bitch-slap
as if it hadn't fucked
your brains out enough
the night before.
Drag your aching body out of bed
GET UP!
Get dressed
get going
you can't rest.
There are bills to pay and mouths to feed.
Too addicted to buying more shit
you don't need.
"My life has no purpose"
You solemnly realise
for the umpteenth time
as you switch on the coffee machine.
Light another cigarette-
it's the only thing that allows the morning to pass
without devouring your soul for breakfast...
Caffeine and Nicotine.

Another number
you are
a statistical redundancy.
A repetition of the past
in the present
from the future.

Aren't we supposed to want to be alive?
Is it not the most basic, powerful human instinct we own?
To survive?
What is the reason-
when it's all been said and done and heard and seen before.
There is nothing left to explore
Nothing they haven't tried, tested and documented.
Nothing you can't find on the internet.
Don't even bother going out to make a new Discovery-
they already have a channel for that.
You even get to watch how bad actors with rotten lives blow their money
on expensive cars
cheap sex
cheating wives
fake friends
plastic surgery.
Just add a few dramatic scenes
and call it "reality".
I saw a lady drop her baby on the sidewalk once-
it was awful
she really should take a few lessons from Britney.
It wasn't serious, obviously,
it didn't even crack its skull open
didn't even bleed,
like in that movie
where the guy gets stabbed with a pencil,
drops to the floor with rivers of red gushing out of his every pore
leaving him just enough time to utter his last few dying words.
Now that...
THAT is reality.
Isn't it?
I mean
its all we ever see.
Everything has become so surreal.

Another face
you are
a nameless redundancy.
A repetition of the past
in the present
from the future.

We used to escape reality
by dwelling in our fantasies.
It's all upside down now
or is it the right side up?
Our fantasies turn to reality
with our eyes glued to that damn television screen
and although this life is stale
like a song that's been released last week,
at least we have something to numb our brains with
while we wait for eternal sleep.

I like the piece. I think there is a lot of heart in it. In my opinion it just needs to be cleaned up a bit and I have given an example of what I mean below....just MY opinion though....

I'd strongly recommend posting it and asking for honest critique with the intention of revising as needed-be sure and comment on the work of other people and you will get what you seek.
This place is often very "Quid pro quo" ....
Lets face it, most of us here want opinions from readers




This life is an utter bore
wake up  
headache greets you
with a bitch-slap
as if it hadn't fucked
your brains enough
the night before

Drag your aching body out of bed
GET UP!
dressed
going
you can't rest

There are bills to pay and mouths to feed
too addicted to buying more shit
you don't need

"My life has no purpose"
you solemnly realize
for the umpteenth time
as you switch on the coffee machine

Light another cigarette
it's the only thing that allows the morning to pass
without devouring your soul for breakfast
Caffeine and Nicotine

Ah yes, I do see what you mean. Thank you for taking the time to read it and help me out, I appreciate it. There are a few places that are a bit sloppy, I like the first part a lot, up to "statistical redundancy", and then for some reason it fades a bit... I'll take your advice into consideration and clean it up, post it once I've revised it. Once again, thanks so much, you helped quite a bit :)

glad I could help...I confess the GoT pic scored the assist
good luck

I can relate to your poem.  You have a lot of great ideas, on difficult subjects.   There are qualities to a good poem, meaning, flow, brevity, uniqueness.  Clearly you have a lot of meaning, next try to edit to get brevity and flow.  

Some of my favorite lines include

There are bills to pay and mouths to feed.

Too addicted to buying more shit
you don't need.

"My life has no purpose"
You solemnly realise
for the umpteenth time  

For your poem, you may want to think in terms of paragraphs that contain an introduction, some background information, some discussion, and a conclusion, but keep it brief and concise.  

Instead of trying to rewrite your ideas, I'm going to share a similar poem that takes my breath away. Try to do something like this.  Notice each stanza has a similar pattern, observation followed by critique.

Good luck, there are a lot of wonderful poets on here.  

http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/168400-living-in-2014-by-samantha-carver/

One other suggestions.  On this site, you can submit a poem, fill in the title, poem, category, review criteria, and when you submit it, you have the option to save it as a draft.  That way, you can work on it, and reread it a few times, with a few days in between.

Really liked the last few lines especially, nice work.

I liked it, I agree it needs to be cleaned up a bit. Also, maybe fewer breaks after "statistical redundancy" to help with the flow. It's pretty good though! Keep working on it!

Yo yo yo

Late to the party, I know

It came off sounding like a Rap in my mind.

I would snip this out


I saw a lady drop her baby on the sidewalk once-
it was awful
she really should take a few lessons from Britney.
It wasn't serious, obviously,
it didn't even crack its skull open
didn't even bleed,
like in that movie
where the guy gets stabbed with a pencil,
drops to the floor with rivers of red gushing out of his every pore
leaving him just enough time to utter his last few dying words.
Now that...
THAT is reality.
Isn't it?
I mean
its all we ever see.
Everything has become so surreal.

Another face
you are
a nameless redundancy.
A repetition of the past
in the present
from the future.


and then merge all this


[insert]Snore.[/insert]
This life
is an utter
bore.
Wake up in the morning,
Headache greets you
with a bitch-slap
as if it hadn't fucked
your brains out enough
the night before.
Drag your aching body out of bed
GET UP!
Get dressed
get going
you can't rest.
There are bills to pay and mouths to feed.
Too addicted to buying more shit
you don't need.
"My life has no purpose"
You solemnly realise
for the umpteenth time
as you switch on the coffee machine.
Light another cigarette-
it's the only thing that allows the morning to pass
without devouring your soul for breakfast...
Caffeine and Nicotine.
Another number
you are
a statistical redundancy.
A repetition of the past
in the present
from the future.
Aren't we supposed to want to be alive?
Is it not the most basic, powerful human instinct we own?
To survive?
What is the reason-
when it's all been said and done and heard and seen before.
There is nothing left to explore
Nothing they haven't tried, tested and documented.
Nothing you can't find on the internet.
Don't even bother going out to make a new Discovery-
they already have a channel for that.
You even get to watch how bad actors with rotten lives blow their money
on expensive cars
cheap sex
cheating wives
fake friends
plastic surgery.
Just add a few dramatic scenes
and call it "reality".
[insert]What[/insert] We used to escape [snip]reality[/snip]
by dwelling in our fantasies.
It's all upside down now
or is it the right side up?
Our fantasies turn to reality
with our eyes glued to that damn television screen
and although this life is stale
like a song that's been released last week,
at least we have something to numb our brains with
while we wait for eternal sleep.

Word