Help out a beginner please!!
Hi DU, I'm new to the site here and relatively new to poetry (have been writing for 1-2 years)and was hoping to receive some critique/feedback on what I've written. I have uploaded a couple of my poems and would greatly appreciate any feedback.
thanks,
Flutemouth
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/159215-sleep/
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/159214-names/
thanks,
Flutemouth
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/159215-sleep/
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/159214-names/
thanks a lot,
'Mitch'
You turn those two syllables into an opera with your velvet voice
I can't help but smile as the sound liberates me from the drudgery of suburban living.
I turn to see you
An idiotic grin stretched across my face
Which you return, but somehow make majestic
One of your many talents.
The sight of you fills me with awe and fear
Like an astronaut falling towards the sun of some far off world
Or a student seeing their teacher at countdown
I am stunned
- Flutemouth
'Mitch'
You turn those two syllables into an opera with your velvet voice
I can't help but smile as the sound liberates me from the drudgery of suburban living.
I turn to see you
An idiotic grin stretched across my face
Which you return, but somehow make majestic
One of your many talents.
The sight of you fills me with awe and fear
Like an astronaut falling towards the sun of some far off world
Or a student seeing their teacher at countdown
I am stunned
- Flutemouth
flutemouth said:thanks a lot,
'Mitch'
You turn those two syllables into an opera with your velvet voice
I can't help but smile as the sound liberates me from the drudgery of suburban living.
I turn to see you
An idiotic grin stretched across my face
Which you return, but somehow make majestic
One of your many talents.
The sight of you fills me with awe and fear
Like an astronaut falling towards the sun of some far off world
Or a student seeing their teacher at countdown
I am stunned
- Flutemouth
It's not too bad. Here are some whys (and if they have no definite answer, then they weren't necessary in the first place):
Why the spaces between lines? If you punctuate, the reader will pause accordingly. A reader is only as good as they are a writer.
Why the stammer of metaphors toward the end? You can't substitute unrelated imagery for content.
Why. What is the poem about? Is the idea enough? There are little tricks and devices, then there is the great sophistry that is poetry. Which are you stuck to?
'Mitch'
You turn those two syllables into an opera with your velvet voice
I can't help but smile as the sound liberates me from the drudgery of suburban living.
I turn to see you
An idiotic grin stretched across my face
Which you return, but somehow make majestic
One of your many talents.
The sight of you fills me with awe and fear
Like an astronaut falling towards the sun of some far off world
Or a student seeing their teacher at countdown
I am stunned
- Flutemouth
It's not too bad. Here are some whys (and if they have no definite answer, then they weren't necessary in the first place):
Why the spaces between lines? If you punctuate, the reader will pause accordingly. A reader is only as good as they are a writer.
Why the stammer of metaphors toward the end? You can't substitute unrelated imagery for content.
Why. What is the poem about? Is the idea enough? There are little tricks and devices, then there is the great sophistry that is poetry. Which are you stuck to?
Ok, well its not top shabby at all in my opinion. I'm not sold on the layout or structure but it may work for others.
You turn those two syllables into an opera with your velvet voice
I can't help but smile as the sound liberates me from the drudgery of suburban living
I like this, I assume two syllables is a reference to rap, maybe use a different couple of words that would indicate his / her art, purely my own opinion and probably biased given I don't really listen to it.
"idiotic" dunno man, I understand the use of it, and accept the honesty of it but it didn't feel right reading it
"but somehow" I'd change that to 'and' cos I think it gives the line more conviction.
"return" I think I'd use reciprocate here, goes nice with face without a forced rhyme feel
"Like an astronaut falling towards the sun of some far off world" not a bad image, I think you should elaborate a little with this, maybe change falling to floating to give it a more space like feel
the last line doesn't do it for me at all, it's a kind of anti climax in comparison to the image above it, maybe think of something that conveys that thought a bit clearer or universal
oh, and get rid of the 'as', maybe use while or when or some other proper word
all in, its really not a bad effort at all
hope that helps
You turn those two syllables into an opera with your velvet voice
I can't help but smile as the sound liberates me from the drudgery of suburban living
I like this, I assume two syllables is a reference to rap, maybe use a different couple of words that would indicate his / her art, purely my own opinion and probably biased given I don't really listen to it.
"idiotic" dunno man, I understand the use of it, and accept the honesty of it but it didn't feel right reading it
"but somehow" I'd change that to 'and' cos I think it gives the line more conviction.
"return" I think I'd use reciprocate here, goes nice with face without a forced rhyme feel
"Like an astronaut falling towards the sun of some far off world" not a bad image, I think you should elaborate a little with this, maybe change falling to floating to give it a more space like feel
the last line doesn't do it for me at all, it's a kind of anti climax in comparison to the image above it, maybe think of something that conveys that thought a bit clearer or universal
oh, and get rid of the 'as', maybe use while or when or some other proper word
all in, its really not a bad effort at all
hope that helps
Thanks for the help guys, I've given it a once over and tried to remedy the points that were mentioned, any more feedback would be greatly appreciated, I feel I have learnt a lot already.
And "countdown" and "newworld" are both big supermarkets over here in New Zealand if its caused any confusion.
Flutemouth
'Mitch'
You turn those two syllables into an opera with your velvet voice
I can't help but smile as the sound liberates me from the drudgery of suburban living.
I turn to see you, a manic grin stretched across my face. Which you reciprocate, but somehow make majestic,
One of your many talents.
The sight of you fills me with awe and fear, like an astronaut drifting towards the sun of some far off world, or a student seeing their teacher at New World,
I am starstruck
- Flutemouth
And "countdown" and "newworld" are both big supermarkets over here in New Zealand if its caused any confusion.
Flutemouth
'Mitch'
You turn those two syllables into an opera with your velvet voice
I can't help but smile as the sound liberates me from the drudgery of suburban living.
I turn to see you, a manic grin stretched across my face. Which you reciprocate, but somehow make majestic,
One of your many talents.
The sight of you fills me with awe and fear, like an astronaut drifting towards the sun of some far off world, or a student seeing their teacher at New World,
I am starstruck
- Flutemouth
Anonymous
I wish new members would realize that the BEST way (and the way this site is designed to work) to get read and get feedback
is to read and comment on the work of others
it is so lazy and somewhat egotistical to forego all that.....
not trying to be mean, this is a point that has been made on here a million times (at least)...
is to read and comment on the work of others
it is so lazy and somewhat egotistical to forego all that.....
not trying to be mean, this is a point that has been made on here a million times (at least)...
mikimoondancer said:I wish new members would realize that the BEST way (and the way this site is designed to work) to get read and get feedback
is to read and comment on the work of others
it is so lazy and somewhat egotistical to forego all that.....
not trying to be mean, this is a point that has been made on here a million times (at least)...
sorry... just wanted some advice...as i said im new, and didnt know that so thanks for sharing
is to read and comment on the work of others
it is so lazy and somewhat egotistical to forego all that.....
not trying to be mean, this is a point that has been made on here a million times (at least)...
sorry... just wanted some advice...as i said im new, and didnt know that so thanks for sharing
mikimoondancer said:I wish new members would realize that the BEST way (and the way this site is designed to work) to get read and get feedback
is to read and comment on the work of others
it is so lazy and somewhat egotistical to forego all that.....
not trying to be mean, this is a point that has been made on here a million times (at least)...
If that's the way everyone sees it why does the forum say get advise, help, or critique for your poetry? Why does it exist?
is to read and comment on the work of others
it is so lazy and somewhat egotistical to forego all that.....
not trying to be mean, this is a point that has been made on here a million times (at least)...
If that's the way everyone sees it why does the forum say get advise, help, or critique for your poetry? Why does it exist?
Magdalena said:There has been a Critique thread set up in this forum since this thread especially for "Critique"
The comment you have questioned was made in February. Things have moved on since then. It was from june, the member who started this thread hasn't been on here but since april, never the less I didn't realize it was old.
The comment you have questioned was made in February. Things have moved on since then. It was from june, the member who started this thread hasn't been on here but since april, never the less I didn't realize it was old.
