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Advice & critique for a newbie
I'm having trouble tweeking this poem. It is missing something, I just can't put my finger on it. Being so new to writing poetry, I figured I would come abeggin to the experts for some advise. So please, take it apart and give me your opinions. 
A Single Watcher
He watches
a single eye
glaring balefully
ever watchful
for those in peril.
He fights
a single eye
conflicting
tempest rages
to ward the night.
He waits
a single eye
never falters
patiently navigating
adrifted travellers to sanctuary.
A Single Watcher
He watches
a single eye
glaring balefully
ever watchful
for those in peril.
He fights
a single eye
conflicting
tempest rages
to ward the night.
He waits
a single eye
never falters
patiently navigating
adrifted travellers to sanctuary.
Anonymous
Ok, sorry to copy and paste, but this is what I would do:
He watches (1)
a single eye
glaring; (2)
ever watchful
for those in peril
He fights
a single eye
darting-
his tempest raging (3)
into the night
He waits
a single eye
never faltering,
patiently navigating
travellers to sanctuary. (4)
(1) opening line of each stanza separated to drive home a message.
(2) balefully is too fussy.
(3) conflicting tempest rages doesn't work. 'His' also refers back to the watcher as a person.
(4) taken out adrifted, makes no sense. Also helps flow.
Taking out the full stop after every stanza also helps tell this is a continual story, rather than three separate thoughts.
All of this is just my own honest opinion however, and you don't have to listen to any of it.
He watches (1)
a single eye
glaring; (2)
ever watchful
for those in peril
He fights
a single eye
darting-
his tempest raging (3)
into the night
He waits
a single eye
never faltering,
patiently navigating
travellers to sanctuary. (4)
(1) opening line of each stanza separated to drive home a message.
(2) balefully is too fussy.
(3) conflicting tempest rages doesn't work. 'His' also refers back to the watcher as a person.
(4) taken out adrifted, makes no sense. Also helps flow.
Taking out the full stop after every stanza also helps tell this is a continual story, rather than three separate thoughts.
All of this is just my own honest opinion however, and you don't have to listen to any of it.
Thank you Missy for taking the time to advise me Now I'm going to pick your brain... The poem is actually about a lighthouse not a person. So, I wonder if I should use it instead of he? Since adrifted makes no sense should it be lost? or just left out like you put? The 2nd stanza is all about fighting the raging storm to bring that beacon of hope. Hence, conflicting tempest rages.
Now I'm going to pick your brain... The poem is actually about a lighthouse not a person. So, I wonder if I should use it instead of he? Since adrifted makes no sense should it be lost? or just left out like you put? The 2nd stanza is all about fighting the raging storm to bring that beacon of hope. Hence, conflicting tempest rages.
Anonymous
You have already personified the lighthouse by saying he watches/he waits/he fights, so the he is then appropriate. Adrift is a word... I'm not sure adrifted is actually a word. I'd lose it anyway if I were you.
Third stanza - been as it's about a lighthouse, maybe this would
be appropriate -
a single eye
darting
through tempests raging
into the lost night
Third stanza - been as it's about a lighthouse, maybe this would
be appropriate -
a single eye
darting
through tempests raging
into the lost night
Alright thanx so much for your help, it's very appreciated.
A Single Watcher
He watches
a single eye
glaring;
ever watchful
for those in peril.
He fights
a single eye
darting-
through tempest raging
into the lost night.
He waits
a single eye
never faltering,
patiently navigating
travellers to sanctuary.
A Single Watcher
He watches
a single eye
glaring;
ever watchful
for those in peril.
He fights
a single eye
darting-
through tempest raging
into the lost night.
He waits
a single eye
never faltering,
patiently navigating
travellers to sanctuary.
Anonymous
'Through tempest raging' - doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
Missy's idea of separating the opening verb in each verse is very effective.
Further suggestions:
Why not call it 'The Lighthouse'. The personification works okay.
V.2 - why not 'through raging tempest'?
V.3 - 'adrift' is a nice word - it would be a shame to lose the idea. Why not 'travellers adrift to sanctuary'?
Further suggestions:
Why not call it 'The Lighthouse'. The personification works okay.
V.2 - why not 'through raging tempest'?
V.3 - 'adrift' is a nice word - it would be a shame to lose the idea. Why not 'travellers adrift to sanctuary'?
Through raging tempest (makes more sense)...
darting through raging tempest (the light is darting through the raging storm)
If you say, darting through tempest raging ( you describe the light as darting and raging through the tempest)
darting through raging tempest (the light is darting through the raging storm)
If you say, darting through tempest raging ( you describe the light as darting and raging through the tempest)
