New Brutally honest critique?

Looking for a lashing, yet again. So, brutality is what I need. Tell me what you think!!


My Mind is a jumble,
deep seeded thorough
thoughtlessness.

The scars left
upon my emotions
or lack thereof.

Internal battles
fought with precedence,
good and evil,
both are equal
these thoughts,
where I come from.

Pros and cons,
of consequences
rendered upon the
literary mind,
the internal battle
is what I find.

The thing
most sought after,
through the
many years of hurt.

The embrace
of a lover.
Embrace lost in time.

Evidence
of fidelity
and yearning
of learning
and time after time
and line after line
of an itching
and burning...
from a soul's constant returning,
to a body maturing.

The poetic flow
that courses my veins,
that nobody knows
and I try to explain,

In my poems and writings
my prose slams exciting,

on the unknowing mind,
who,
as I speak
gets lost in time.

And,
the grime
of the winding,
and
perfection
of timing,
as my words carve your brain,
from my words you lay slain.

Shifty and gifted,
my mind deeply twisted,
And infected perception,  
perfected inception,
the depth of my flow...
Cause nobody knows,
a rhyme
within a rhyme,
within a rhyme
is how deep it  goes.

My pen renders,
as my mind composes.

As my body reacts
to my souls emotions

And
my internal
and external,
meet with commotion...
the man child exposed,
punched dead square
in the nose.

And
as the tears drop
and my fears stop,
within and without
he thinks nobody knows,

No one sees
his pain,
though it thoroughly shows.

Like worn on his sleeve, in public he bleeds,

As he pours
his heart out,
on paper so stout,
to bear
his heavy thoughts
and heavy mind,
as he gets lost
in time.

And runs out of lines.

Wasted youth...
of...
mine...

and slow....
to...
a...
stop...
He...
Grinds...


Intricate B


Thank you for your time..

You need BRUTAL critique for THIS ... !?!

Really ... ???

Hardly IB .... I be diggin' this piece for it's content, clever wordplay & depth .....

Very Good ... write !!!!

The ... " Shifted & Gifted ", verse, is Exceptionally Good, in my view !

Hope that'll do.

Bless up.

Big V

Intricate, I'm staying away from your stuff at the moment mate, you got all you needed and then some on your last request for critique, and from reading your most recent pieces.. You still haven't applied it.

Mr I B, your work is shit, matched only by your shitty critiques. You ask in the forums for critique, but in all your 83 comments, if we remove the ones where you are sucking the dicks of people who have commented on your own work, we see about 35 comments like this; "Dayamn.. I really like this write.  Definitely relatable.  Write on!"

Work harder on writing, and stop being such a needy little bitch.

Also, since you want it 'brutal', the work above is soulless drivel, words shat out your fingers, senseless line breaks, ego-stroking wank, shit "..." punctuation, verses starting in 'and' one after the other, a childish 'thank you' tacked on the end of it like a 5 year old child writing The End on some pice of dogshit so you pat their heads for it knowing they'll be doing a whole shit-load of floor-sweeping in their future....I'll send you a youtube link of a guy using a mop.It'll be like vocational training.

Who do you read? Don't name-drop like you did in your bio-page, but who do you actually read? Do they have a clear point, a start/middle/end, metaphor/simile'/a joy of words? If they don't, why the fuck do you read them? If they do, why the fuck don't you try to understand what it is they are doing.

You can rhyme. We'll inform the Queen....doubt she'll give a fuck though.

hh

Well. I think you got your "lashing" there, son.

Grab a napkin - you just got SERVED

Ouch. I did request "brutally honest". I think I'm about to give up on rhyming. Thinking free verse better suits me.

Rhyming isn't your chief problem. hh asked you some questions--answer them. If you can't, then you shouldn't be writing and asking for help.

You should focus more on your thought process on the fact of, "Will this be understandable?" I have no room to be judging, because I have been told I am the same way. But yes, focus on that. Also, make sure your rhyming is more    consice. This poem was great, and I greatly enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing.

This is a waste of your time.Stop caring about others opinion's first off,is my advice.

I was also raped by hemi as well as other's when I did this,and they were right.

Granted,I still am not very good,but by reading,and commenting you do pick up thing's slowely in a natural way.

Instead of trying to swallow the flame's...

Though some like the abuse...

DiscipleofLife said:This is a waste of your time.Stop caring about others opinion's first off,is my advice.

I was also raped by hemi as well as other's when I did this,and they were right.

Granted,I still am not very good,but by reading,and commenting you do pick up thing's slowely in a natural way.

Instead of trying to swallow the flame's...

Though some like the abuse...


You're right.. and I suppose next time i should specify, "respectful critique"

Are you actually going to answer the questions posed to you or continue to waste our time?

I usually don't like this kind of poetry but you my friend made me eat my words.  As I read each line I couldn't wait to read the next.  Such an interesting journey seemingly covering heights and depths to no end.  Like a true soap box preacher at the heart of the problem facing the masses who won't admit they are wrong when they should.  It kicked ASS hard core!   Don't let some of these forum people sway you they are on some kind of head trip.  With a very narrow minded marionette view on a fixed auto-pilot of negativity.  Probably a defensive mechanism so they don't have to admit they are wrong or possibly accept something somewhat new and different.  

Agree with Vortexman on the critiques,but he did ask for brutality afterall...

Gauging how some people enjoy tearing one down is another story altogether,and hard to prove in this situation really...

Hemi seems mean,but I suspect he has always's lived life with a certain 'blunt brutality',and most people appreciate that pure honesty in the end.I hate bullshitter's.I've been known to be tactless as well.So I get it.

Food for thought...

“Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves.

Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”
― Bruce Lee

“Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.”
― Bruce Lee

“The doubters said,
"Man can not fly,"
The doers said,
"Maybe, but we'll try,"
And finally soared
In the morning glow
While non-believers
Watched from below.”
― Bruce Lee