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big bad anna grin

anna_grin
ANNAN
Dangerous Mind
15awards
Joined 24th Mar 2013
Forum Posts: 3367

i know this is not technicallly a support site
and i could just get a lot of hate right now but right now my little squishy feelings are the last thing that matters.

i need help.

if you have been following me at all you will know what is happening. i have a behaviour problem.  not a being sad problem or a trouble communicating problem but a massive full blown abuser mentality, and i didnt realise it, which seems like the stupidest thing ever.  i felt used and unloved.  i didn't understand why this was happening to me.  i can honestly say this is the worst pain i have ever experienced  and that is quite a big statement for me.

i have become someone i hate, or i have been that person all along, and i am sure i deserve all the pain i am feeling, but i can't help myself if i am constantly reeling .  i need some advice, and some viewpoints from the other side, bc the one i love can't tell me or continue to explain to me , and that is his choice, but i must understand.

how do i understand?

how do i kill the monster without killing myself

dartford
Paul S...
Tyrant of Words
United Kingdom 29awards
Joined 13th June 2013
Forum Posts: 249

realising that you are a separate entity
from the monster seems a pretty good
start, and facing it, too...

I'm no dragon slayer, unfortunately, but
maybe if you try ridiculing and abusing
it, rather than yourself or others...

best wishes, anna...

Umm
Dangerous Mind
Latvia 1awards
Joined 6th Dec 2015
Forum Posts: 2373

Hi Anna, you probably didn't know this but you're one of the few poets on here i really admire..so much so it's almost embarrassing..and im not just saying that..ask Eamonn (he went through god knows how many pages of the Introduce yourself thread to find me your alt account so i could read more of your poetry). I think you're fascinating and smart and super talented and if you need to talk im all ears.

anna_grin
ANNAN
Dangerous Mind
15awards
Joined 24th Mar 2013
Forum Posts: 3367

im so sorry i can't reply properly to yous but you are bringing me to tears with your kindness

thank you umm

i am going to be a pain in the ass with all the help im gonna need

JohnFeddeler
Tyrant of Words
United States 83awards
Joined 18th Jan 2013
Forum Posts: 325

I never, I mean never, get involved in these forum things, but for you, grin...

I'm glad I got to know you here by your poems, which is the only way we can know each other; this sterile place, so opposed to the unreal in which we labor & dream & are not what we pretend to be here in the underground.


anyway, Kerouac had the right philosophy:  there is everything in front of me & nothing behind me...


LobodeSanPedro
Tyrant of Words
Sierra Leone 109awards
Joined 16th Apr 2013
Forum Posts: 3304

anna_grin said:im so sorry i can't reply properly to yous but you are bringing me to tears with your kindness

thank you umm

i am going to be a pain in the ass with all the help im gonna need



Tears?! ...


http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_meny4788ls1r1lmyro3_500.gif


There's No crying in baseball ... Or poetry, unless you read my God awful crap😝

anna you're a gifted poet and critic ... You are one those people here who makes me want to be a better poet.  

Sometimes we artistic types struggle more than others with balancing our many selves, but you have something that will ultimately help you get through ... Someone who loves you.  

Whatever we can do to help, just ask.

anna_grin
ANNAN
Dangerous Mind
15awards
Joined 24th Mar 2013
Forum Posts: 3367

i must have not mentioned he doesn't love me any more at all, we are moving out separately at the end of the month or sooner.

lsp, youre amazing, thats a load of bollocks tho if i know anything its that i need to take responsibility for my own shit

one thing is whether i should take the action to stop talking to him or let him decide when hes had enough ?

Magdalena
Spartalena
Tyrant of Words
Wales 62awards
Joined 21st Apr 2012
Forum Posts: 2993

anna_grin said:

one thing is whether i should take the action to stop talking to him or let him decide when hes had enough ?


If it was me.  I would not give him that control.  I would be completely and utterly selfish and take me back while walking away from him.  Because I did fine before he came into my life and I will do fine when he leaves my life.  Kinda what I have done more than once.  The coals that those men dragged me through hurt like hell and be damned if I was going to keep lying down for them.  But that was me and this is you.  I was an idiot for longer than I should have been, so now I struggle with giving an inch.

anna_grin
ANNAN
Dangerous Mind
15awards
Joined 24th Mar 2013
Forum Posts: 3367

i think you may be misunderstanding

i am the abuser

it makes perfect sense

this is about how to not hurt anyone

Magdalena
Spartalena
Tyrant of Words
Wales 62awards
Joined 21st Apr 2012
Forum Posts: 2993

anna_grin said:i think you may be misunderstanding

i am the abuser

it makes perfect sense

this is about how to not hurt anyone


Right, I am misunderstanding.  Let him go.

anna_grin
ANNAN
Dangerous Mind
15awards
Joined 24th Mar 2013
Forum Posts: 3367

Magdalena said:

Right, I am misunderstanding.  Let him go.


as in not talk at all?

we are moving out at the end of the month. hard as it will be for anyone to believe i love him and want the best for him. i have hurt him horribly and i only realised it too late, when i asked him to talk about what was wrong it was too late.

my heart is breaking both for losing him and what ive done, i dont understand how i did this and its been hard for me to accept that somehow i broke the last straw and somehow i didnt notice

lepperochan
Craic-Dealer
Guardian of Shadows
Palestine 67awards
Joined 1st Apr 2011
Forum Posts: 14449

Hullo

not an easy question

first n foremost :  what do you want ( or not want) ..if you'd rather not separate then you should probably try express that however you can. try ammend the situation or there's the danger you may suffer more emotionally


have to say though, sometimes when faced with imminent separation from a loved one,  our thoughts may be over critical when considering our own flaws of character

at the end of the day though, I'd say the latter part of your question "let him decide when hes had enough ?" is the way I'd go, cos you can't decide for him.




Magdalena
Spartalena
Tyrant of Words
Wales 62awards
Joined 21st Apr 2012
Forum Posts: 2993

anna_grin said:

as in not talk at all?


Sometimes it's the only way to help yourself.  I can't speak from the side of the abuser, as I was the abused in my relationship.  It took me a long time to get out, talking only led to more pain, it was two years after I left him that he finally stopped hounding me and making my life hell.  I ended up hating him and I became indifferent to his suicide threats.  
I don't know what advice to give from the other side of this, but if he had walked away from me, I would have gotten over that, but as it is, I wouldn't even flinch if he left this mortal coil.  

It depends on what you want to salvage or destroy, maybe if someone who was once where you are and have found a way to turn it around could help you with advice,

anna_grin
ANNAN
Dangerous Mind
15awards
Joined 24th Mar 2013
Forum Posts: 3367

thank you magdalena i am sorry you had to go through that i don't want to cause him more pain

from my perspective i would rather be in pain myself and be working through it all with him, but i am not here to do things i want to do anyway and i realise its more than unfair to expect that from him

Magdalena
Spartalena
Tyrant of Words
Wales 62awards
Joined 21st Apr 2012
Forum Posts: 2993

anna_grin said:thank you magdalena i am sorry you had to go through that i don't want to cause him more pain

from my perspective i would rather be in pain myself and be working through it all with him, but i am not here to do things i want to do anyway and i realise its more than unfair to expect that from him


Do you know what, you are here, publicly admitting what you have done, that's a massive step already.  If he wants to go, needs to go, then let him, let him see you're trying to put it right by not trying to force him to love you again. Sometimes, you just have to let go to make it right.  I box and train and weight lift now, because it's a damn great way to channel all the emotional crap inside and it sorts my head out too.  

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