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I'd like some feedback on these two poems about my addiction

seanl
Strange Creature
United States
Joined 30th Mar 2014
Forum Posts: 1


Me To my Addiction

Tough my addiction was sometimes fun
I tell you now those days are done
You've taken from me so very much
No longer will you be my crutch
I think about you all the time
The way you stole my hard earned dime
From my brightest day to my darkest night
I'm not will to give up this fight
Hell or high water rehabs and jails
Through the rooms of AA I have been bailed
Remember those times we stole that cash
I should of known then that you were trash
You always laugh when I get cuffed
You really think your all that tough
Through the rooms of AA and new found friends
We will never meet again.
So here I stand alive and well
FUCK YOU Addiction go to HELL
by
Sean Lawrence

My Addiction to me -

I'm sad to see you've up and left
I'm your addiction, I know what's best
I know who you are, I know where you've been
You don't think We'll meet again?
I know your weakness, I know so much
Remember me? I was your crutch
Loving me is now a crime
I won't spend your money all the time
I kept you going I kept you fed
I helped you out of your own head
Through trial and error we'll get this right
Please Sean, Please, give me one more night
I won't falter. I promise to be strong
I love you Sean, this can't be wrong
I know I betrayed you, made you feel down
It will be different this time around
If you come back I'll make it fun
Next time we steal We'll use a gun
I'm not something you can stop
come on sean smoke that pot
When you're ready, I'll be here
For you my love, I'll shed a tear
by
Sean Lawrence

Magdalena
Spartalena
Tyrant of Words
Wales 62awards
Joined 21st Apr 2012
Forum Posts: 2993

Hi Seanl.

You just have to make three posts in the forum or comments on other peoples poems, then you can submit poems on your profile using the "Submit Poem" on the side bar under "Members Only"

One way to get people to read you is to read and comment on other members work.

P.s
Hope you're thick skinned and can take constructive criticism.

CruelHandedWriter
Jamie Rhodes
Dangerous Mind
United Kingdom 8awards
Joined 20th Sep 2009
Forum Posts: 1426

who would have thought you could turn addiction into a poorly worded nursery rhyme. well done.

AscensionES
Aptilneilrionaltion
Dangerous Mind
Australia 9awards
Joined 22nd Jan 2013
Forum Posts: 1797

Glad you slotted your name in there mate... Might want to slap a copyright on that too, just in case.

MadameLavender
Guardian of Shadows
United States 86awards
Joined 17th Feb 2013
Forum Posts: 5594

Everyone who ever wrote something, was a beginner themselves at one point, even those we idolize in the literary world. Everyone also has their own style, too, whether they are beginner or seasoned expert. The key though, is to be open and receptive to the new, the different, the beginner and the pro, without being condescending.  Constructive criticism as well as some criticism in general, is  what you'll encounter here at DUP, but run with it all to improve, test your limits and grow.

poet Anonymous


Great pieces!  Keep them coming.  I'd like to hear how you would describe the fear of relapse.  Surely, recovering alcoholics and drug users have this fear.  It is a constant in my mind.

LobodeSanPedro
Tyrant of Words
Sierra Leone 109awards
Joined 16th Apr 2013
Forum Posts: 3304

The first poem seems forced in that you were too concerned about making it rhyme rather than telling what must be a very personal story ...

The rhyme scheme seems to work a bit better in the second - maybe because you made "addiction" a person in your life - the words "she" speaks sound like the pleas of a desperate lover ...

Read more poetry to understand other tools at your disposal (metaphors - similes - etc.)  - your touch of personification in the second poem is a start ...

... All the best to you in staying clean - and welcome to DUP.

lepperochan
Craic-Dealer
Guardian of Shadows
Palestine 67awards
Joined 1st Apr 2011
Forum Posts: 14449

Sean

this brings me back to my first attempt at writing poetry. Mine was also about addiction and had a rhyme scheme similar to your one. I thought mine was the dog's bollox for at least two weeks. then I found this site and posted it, looking back I'm thankful that people (violet, DP, Jess, Jack) took the time to steer me in the right direction and I started reading poets here. My advice would be to do the same, and I'd also recommend Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton who among many others had an affinity to be high or drunk.

about your poem, well look, you seem to have a level of understanding about addiction, you mention AA so I'll assume you were a dipso, now recovering. If you take those thoughts and jot them down as they sprung to mind without trying to stick to a rhyme scheme (because as noted earlier by my esteemed colleague, it reads like a nursery rhyme, and I expect you weren't going for that ambiance at all)  then throw it back up on this thread I'm almost positive you'll get a bit more constructive-ness


johnrot
Tyrant of Words
21awards
Joined 10th Oct 2012
Forum Posts: 3645

the realization that we are all addicts and train wrecks of some sort should offer you some solace....listen to lepp. it's all about how pretty you make your mess.

jaspersilence
Fire of Insight
United States 7awards
Joined 12th Dec 2012
Forum Posts: 708

I'm actually glad the second was about weed...people think it's harmless,and although it really doesn't brutally affect you,over time it changes you into an idiot...It's the only drug that immediately attacks the mental,and that is everything you are...The world doesn't need a bunch of highed up hippie morons running around laughing at an ant carrying a leaf.

lepperochan
Craic-Dealer
Guardian of Shadows
Palestine 67awards
Joined 1st Apr 2011
Forum Posts: 14449

http://www.chicagonow.com/chicago-medical-marijuana/2013/10/5-amazing-things-you-didnt-know-about-marijuana/

probably best to do some research 'fore you go talking shit 'bout the good shit. "only drug that immediately attacks the mental" ...what?

"The world doesn't need a bunch of highed up hippie morons running around laughing at an ant carrying a leaf."  

I agree, the world is far too serious for hippie morons to have a laugh. why stop there, how about ban comedy and comedians if laughing offends you so much. jesus H christ the world is going to shit    

poet Anonymous

Well said Jasper.  Great pieces, Seanl.  Any mind-altering substance can be put into (substituted for) in these poems.  After ten years of smoking dope, I found myself paranoid to the point of closing the curtains in the middle of a sunny day and hunkering down for hours at a time making a complete shambles of my pad.  It does "...attack the mental..." and I can attest to that.  Just keep on tokin' boyz and after ten years, let me know what you've made of your life.  I've slipped and drank alcohol a few times during my long sobriety, but I won't go back to pot and am scared to death to.  And, even though I have never smoked more than one cigarette my entire life, you should hear my hack...Let's not forget that each and every time that I smoked, I drank.  Those who choose to sit "...laughing at an ant carrying a leaf..." are probably wishing they could get up off their arses and do half as much in a day.  Signed:  Marijuanaless since 1985.  

Austin_Rura
Austin Rura
Thought Provoker
United States 6awards
Joined 6th Dec 2013
Forum Posts: 327

man... ima go find some crack and sell it right da fuck now. blamin da herb for ur issues... for shame. everybody got issues... blame the booze, the second hand pollution, the air pollution and the chemicals we ingest every time we eat drink or breath, and blame the paranoia for fear of getting busted. ive never been truly paranoid once. sure when in the past im in possession of illegal substances i naturally become more aware of getting busted. when i was straight i would get nervous about things i knew was happening in my life like abuse, or getting raided, or robbed but it was only after i opened my mind and my heart and excepted the higher power of a natural high in my life that i was able to put my own fears aside and make my life better for myself. if truth wont be believed that the herb has healing properties that far surpass the quality of modern medicine then maybe its natural selections way of thinning the destructive heard... and all we can really do is let nature take its course

Austin_Rura
Austin Rura
Thought Provoker
United States 6awards
Joined 6th Dec 2013
Forum Posts: 327

your poem was very well worded btw... i just didnt care for how it turned out

Austin_Rura
Austin Rura
Thought Provoker
United States 6awards
Joined 6th Dec 2013
Forum Posts: 327

Premogenito this sir is your opinion based solely on partied out observations from the 80s (shit was probably laced no less) and absolutely no scientific data. (which excuse me but if your idea has not gone through the scientific method of understanding and problem solving to reach some conclusion of the effects of cannabis on the human mind i can safely say that you yourself are not capable of higher mental powers or any greater ability to reason than i currently possess myself.)
furthermore i have never made more practical, helpful, more well thought out decisions in my entire life than when i was mellowing myself out after a hard day at work. every pssa test ive EVER takin in high school... guess what? i was high and always reached one of the highest scores in the grade. and if it was legal for recreation? there goes the street crime, the number of kids trying illicit drugs, the number of alcoholics, the mexican gang violence would be over something else AND the high cost of street value herb would no doubt decrease thus financially helping every one Quote Unquote "addicted to pot" ... which by itself is a misnomer. i enjoy books i read book. i enjoy smoke, i smoke. i dont jones for it like a heroin addiction either. if i dont have it, im perfectly content but obviously i would enjoy it in my life. all of this prohibition bullshit really only gets to me when someone like this doesnt understand what a real addiction is. that shit like you'll kill your own beloved grandmother for a fuckin fitty rock! let the common working man have his natural herb!!!

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