Poetry competition CLOSED 11th July 2016 9:09pm
WINNER
Anonymous
Anonymous
RUNNERS-UP:
Hepcat61
and MayRayn
Can you write a sonnet?
AlwaysHungry said:
It's difficult to critique the rhyme and meter for this poem, since it is written in free verse. Sonnets in blank verse (metered but unrhymed) and even free verse (unrhymed, unmetered) have become accepted in some circles, although I must confess that I am still uncomfortable with them. If you want to embrace "demands and discipline", I would recommend trying to write one in rhymed and metered verse. I'll jot down some suggestions in my next post.
One small technical detail which I will mention is that you are using the familiar form of address, which has died out in English (though it is still alive and well in German, Spanish and other languages.) "Thou legacy lives through mine" is incorrect -- it should be "Thy legacy lives through mine." Generally you would not capitalize "Thine" unless talking to god.
But he IS god.
Thank you. I just wanted to throw a free verse with walking dead language in the lot to stir things up. Your reply was valiant.
It's difficult to critique the rhyme and meter for this poem, since it is written in free verse. Sonnets in blank verse (metered but unrhymed) and even free verse (unrhymed, unmetered) have become accepted in some circles, although I must confess that I am still uncomfortable with them. If you want to embrace "demands and discipline", I would recommend trying to write one in rhymed and metered verse. I'll jot down some suggestions in my next post.
One small technical detail which I will mention is that you are using the familiar form of address, which has died out in English (though it is still alive and well in German, Spanish and other languages.) "Thou legacy lives through mine" is incorrect -- it should be "Thy legacy lives through mine." Generally you would not capitalize "Thine" unless talking to god.
But he IS god.
Thank you. I just wanted to throw a free verse with walking dead language in the lot to stir things up. Your reply was valiant.
Anonymous
Taryn said:"in between" - A Sonnet
Fierce loves' caress, gripping breasts piercing peaks
Arch now bends, you bring me close lifting waist
Flicked by wet tongue, peaks are gripped within teeth
Forced open wide, plunging tips with no haste
Allow me to slide, then grind in tight tease
Wrapping in silk to encase in warm wet
Perhaps in my mouth, on dirty spread knees
Hungry strokes, need to explode - "but not yet"
Delve into darkness, force in your swift thrusts
Stretching the hole of your good little whore
Feel your good girl, meet your pull in "synced" push
Hard and fast, you take and fuck what is yours
Pumping thick cream, cum flows along with me
Pearls are now dripping, from silk "in between"
This is an unusual situation where the verse is rhymed, but not metered. I don't think there is a term for that. I'm not seeing a volta (zip it, Johnny Blaze); normally, in erotic poetry, the objective is to get dem glands a-pumpin', but when you enter sonnet territory, I think you should aspire to get some irony in there with the pheromones.
Fierce loves' caress, gripping breasts piercing peaks
Arch now bends, you bring me close lifting waist
Flicked by wet tongue, peaks are gripped within teeth
Forced open wide, plunging tips with no haste
Allow me to slide, then grind in tight tease
Wrapping in silk to encase in warm wet
Perhaps in my mouth, on dirty spread knees
Hungry strokes, need to explode - "but not yet"
Delve into darkness, force in your swift thrusts
Stretching the hole of your good little whore
Feel your good girl, meet your pull in "synced" push
Hard and fast, you take and fuck what is yours
Pumping thick cream, cum flows along with me
Pearls are now dripping, from silk "in between"
This is an unusual situation where the verse is rhymed, but not metered. I don't think there is a term for that. I'm not seeing a volta (zip it, Johnny Blaze); normally, in erotic poetry, the objective is to get dem glands a-pumpin', but when you enter sonnet territory, I think you should aspire to get some irony in there with the pheromones.
Anonymous
Hepcat61 said:
Oh and if you need a further clue to the poem - "square"s in the poem stand for stanzas in formulaic poetry. .
Sometimes you need to meet the reader half-way on something like that. As it stands, I don't think the majority of readers would arrive at that conclusion, just with the clues that you provide.
Oh and if you need a further clue to the poem - "square"s in the poem stand for stanzas in formulaic poetry. .
Sometimes you need to meet the reader half-way on something like that. As it stands, I don't think the majority of readers would arrive at that conclusion, just with the clues that you provide.
A Sonnet, Such As It Is
I tried to put my brain to work so hard,
a sonnet to extrude and take to heart.
It flinched, it writhed, it heaved and sighed
its lazy ass it wiggled, feigned at being coy.
I pushed my brain to get its wheels in gear
to prod and tempt its timid toes to wet
to stop its biding its sweet time, with little fear
plunge in and throw its caution to the wind.
In fits and starts, the wheels it slowly turned
it ground out only tetramer iambic prose
and much as I did tempt it, spoils showed
it finally reared its head and squirted me
with this, this silly little rhyme I loathe
but have far less without it for to show.
I tried to put my brain to work so hard,
a sonnet to extrude and take to heart.
It flinched, it writhed, it heaved and sighed
its lazy ass it wiggled, feigned at being coy.
I pushed my brain to get its wheels in gear
to prod and tempt its timid toes to wet
to stop its biding its sweet time, with little fear
plunge in and throw its caution to the wind.
In fits and starts, the wheels it slowly turned
it ground out only tetramer iambic prose
and much as I did tempt it, spoils showed
it finally reared its head and squirted me
with this, this silly little rhyme I loathe
but have far less without it for to show.
Anonymous
MayRayn said:A Sonnet, Such As It Is
I tried to put my brain to work so hard,
a sonnet to extrude and take to heart.
It flinched, it writhed, it heaved and sighed
its lazy ass it wiggled, feigned at being coy.
I pushed my brain to get its wheels in gear
to prod and tempt its timid toes to wet
to top its biding its sweet time, with little fear
plunge in and throw its caution to the wind.
In fits and starts, the wheels it slowly turned
it ground out only tetramer iambic prose
and much as I did tempt it, spoils showed
it finally reared its head and squirted me
with this, this silly little rhyme I loathe
but have far less without it for to show.
You are one of those who privately expressed frustration about meter. I would say that you are making excellent progress, and you are about half-way there. In some of your lines you overshot the mark and made it all the way to hexameter (lines 4, 7, and 10). Line 3 is stuck still in tetrameter. It would not take much to adjust those lines. Also, you have some rhymes. A little futzing, and you could have the complete package. Sometimes the tweaking required to make everything fit reminds me of doing a puzzle, except, of course, more beautiful.
I tried to put my brain to work so hard,
a sonnet to extrude and take to heart.
It flinched, it writhed, it heaved and sighed
its lazy ass it wiggled, feigned at being coy.
I pushed my brain to get its wheels in gear
to prod and tempt its timid toes to wet
to top its biding its sweet time, with little fear
plunge in and throw its caution to the wind.
In fits and starts, the wheels it slowly turned
it ground out only tetramer iambic prose
and much as I did tempt it, spoils showed
it finally reared its head and squirted me
with this, this silly little rhyme I loathe
but have far less without it for to show.
You are one of those who privately expressed frustration about meter. I would say that you are making excellent progress, and you are about half-way there. In some of your lines you overshot the mark and made it all the way to hexameter (lines 4, 7, and 10). Line 3 is stuck still in tetrameter. It would not take much to adjust those lines. Also, you have some rhymes. A little futzing, and you could have the complete package. Sometimes the tweaking required to make everything fit reminds me of doing a puzzle, except, of course, more beautiful.
A Sonnet, Such As It Is (take 3)
I tried to put my brain to work so hard,
a sonnet to extrude; it feigned at being coy.
It flinched, it writhed, it didn't take to heart
its ass it wriggled, and poked me to annoy.
I pushed my brain to get its wheels in gear
to prod and tempt its timid toes to wet;
to stop biding its time, with little fear
throw caution to the wind, plunge in and sweat.
In fits and starts, its wheels it slowly turned
it ground out tetramer iambic prose,
and much as I did tempt it--spoils showed--
it finally reared its head and humor chose
with this, this silly loath-full little rhyme.
Without it, I have naught with which to chime.
I tried to put my brain to work so hard,
a sonnet to extrude; it feigned at being coy.
It flinched, it writhed, it didn't take to heart
its ass it wriggled, and poked me to annoy.
I pushed my brain to get its wheels in gear
to prod and tempt its timid toes to wet;
to stop biding its time, with little fear
throw caution to the wind, plunge in and sweat.
In fits and starts, its wheels it slowly turned
it ground out tetramer iambic prose,
and much as I did tempt it--spoils showed--
it finally reared its head and humor chose
with this, this silly loath-full little rhyme.
Without it, I have naught with which to chime.
Anonymous
MayRayn said:
A Sonnet, Such As It Is (take 2)
I tried to put my brain to work so hard,
a sonnet to extrude and take to heart.
It flinched, it writhed, it sighed at me to annoy
its ass it wiggled, feigned at being coy.
I pushed my brain to get its wheels in gear
to prod and tempt its timid toes to wet
to stop biding its time, with little fear
plunge in, throw caution to the wind and sweat.
In fits and starts, the wheels it slowly turned
it ground out tetramer iambic prose
and much as I did tempt it, spoils showed
it finally reared its head and humor chose
with this, this silly little rhyme I loathe
but have far less without it for to show.
I'm rooting for you. You needed to add two syllables to line 3, but you added three, so now it needs to be trimmed. If you are going for English rhyme scheme, you need to switch things around in the first stanza; it should be ABAB. In line 7, "biding" is a trochee, not an iamb. I think that "tetramer" is a brilliant move -- it's a type of molecule, but the word is of course very close to "tetrameter" and if fulfills the metric requirements for the line. It comes across as wordplay. I am assuming that you hear "spoils" as a two syllable word in this context? You could move "loathe" to a different position in line 13 and easily find a rhyme for "show."
A Sonnet, Such As It Is (take 2)
I tried to put my brain to work so hard,
a sonnet to extrude and take to heart.
It flinched, it writhed, it sighed at me to annoy
its ass it wiggled, feigned at being coy.
I pushed my brain to get its wheels in gear
to prod and tempt its timid toes to wet
to stop biding its time, with little fear
plunge in, throw caution to the wind and sweat.
In fits and starts, the wheels it slowly turned
it ground out tetramer iambic prose
and much as I did tempt it, spoils showed
it finally reared its head and humor chose
with this, this silly little rhyme I loathe
but have far less without it for to show.
I'm rooting for you. You needed to add two syllables to line 3, but you added three, so now it needs to be trimmed. If you are going for English rhyme scheme, you need to switch things around in the first stanza; it should be ABAB. In line 7, "biding" is a trochee, not an iamb. I think that "tetramer" is a brilliant move -- it's a type of molecule, but the word is of course very close to "tetrameter" and if fulfills the metric requirements for the line. It comes across as wordplay. I am assuming that you hear "spoils" as a two syllable word in this context? You could move "loathe" to a different position in line 13 and easily find a rhyme for "show."
AlwaysHungry said:
You have generally followed the English sonnet form, but there are a few metrical problems. In the first stanza, you have two lines that end with "forest", which is a trochee, a metrical foot that has an accent on the first syllable ("FOR-est"). This causes an awkward bump at the end of those two lines (plus they don't rhyme in a pleasing way, since they both end in the same word.) The third line in stanza two ("I wanted to sing to the forest king") could be read as iambic pentameter, but it would be far more natural to put the accent on "sing": I wanted to sing to the forest king. In the second to last line you have a problem with "started", another trochee.
One other problem for me is the use of the word "dean" -- it rhymes, but does it really mean what you want for that context?
and here I thought I wrote a perfect sonnet
clearly i still don't fully understand a trochee or iambic
by dean I meant the head of the forest
You have generally followed the English sonnet form, but there are a few metrical problems. In the first stanza, you have two lines that end with "forest", which is a trochee, a metrical foot that has an accent on the first syllable ("FOR-est"). This causes an awkward bump at the end of those two lines (plus they don't rhyme in a pleasing way, since they both end in the same word.) The third line in stanza two ("I wanted to sing to the forest king") could be read as iambic pentameter, but it would be far more natural to put the accent on "sing": I wanted to sing to the forest king. In the second to last line you have a problem with "started", another trochee.
One other problem for me is the use of the word "dean" -- it rhymes, but does it really mean what you want for that context?
and here I thought I wrote a perfect sonnet
clearly i still don't fully understand a trochee or iambic
by dean I meant the head of the forest
Anonymous
dejure said:
clearly i still don't fully understand a trochee or iambic
A line of poetry has a sort of pulse to it, a series of accented syllables interspersed with unaccented syllables. Each group of syllables is called a "foot" (don't ask me why.) In poetry that is said to be "metered", the feet are uniform.
There are many useful online sites that explain this, including this one: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/570/03/
Here's the section that describes the different types of feet and gives examples:
A poetic foot is a basic repeated sequence of meter composed of two or more accented or unaccented syllables. In the case of an iambic foot, the sequence is "unaccented, accented". There are other types of poetic feet commonly found in English language poetry.
The primary feet are referred to using these terms (an example word from Fussell's examples is given next to them):
Iambic: destroy (unaccented/accented)
Anapestic: intervene (unaccented/unaccented/accented)
Trochaic: topsy (accented/unaccented)
Dactylic: merrily (accented/unaccented/unaccented)
The substitutive feet (feet not used as primary, instead used to supplement and vary a primary foot) are referred to using these terms:
Spondaic: hum drum (accented/accented)
Pyrrhic: the sea/ son of/ mists (the "son of" in the middle being unaccented/unaccented)
clearly i still don't fully understand a trochee or iambic
A line of poetry has a sort of pulse to it, a series of accented syllables interspersed with unaccented syllables. Each group of syllables is called a "foot" (don't ask me why.) In poetry that is said to be "metered", the feet are uniform.
There are many useful online sites that explain this, including this one: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/570/03/
Here's the section that describes the different types of feet and gives examples:
A poetic foot is a basic repeated sequence of meter composed of two or more accented or unaccented syllables. In the case of an iambic foot, the sequence is "unaccented, accented". There are other types of poetic feet commonly found in English language poetry.
The primary feet are referred to using these terms (an example word from Fussell's examples is given next to them):
Iambic: destroy (unaccented/accented)
Anapestic: intervene (unaccented/unaccented/accented)
Trochaic: topsy (accented/unaccented)
Dactylic: merrily (accented/unaccented/unaccented)
The substitutive feet (feet not used as primary, instead used to supplement and vary a primary foot) are referred to using these terms:
Spondaic: hum drum (accented/accented)
Pyrrhic: the sea/ son of/ mists (the "son of" in the middle being unaccented/unaccented)
AlwaysHungry said:
Sometimes you need to meet the reader half-way on something like that. As it stands, I don't think the majority of readers would arrive at that conclusion, just with the clues that you provide.
Poets are their own worst enemy. I fight with myself constantly.
Anarchitect, stop following me!
Sometimes you need to meet the reader half-way on something like that. As it stands, I don't think the majority of readers would arrive at that conclusion, just with the clues that you provide.
Poets are their own worst enemy. I fight with myself constantly.
Anarchitect, stop following me!
Anonymous
THose wicked WOrds of Demon Rhyme and the Disgruntled Poets.
How and WHo, NO Deception
JUst COrrection from CONtinually
FAmished .
SOnnet or SonneTO , English or Italian
This haS made ME so Confused.
I haVE no fear, I shall admit .
FOrever desirOUs will show my bit.
She will Expose ME,Write my Wrongs.
PLEase I Must CONfess, PERpetually EMpty, I've Forgotten.
What it TAkes to wRIte a SONnet or sonnETo. MY words are ROTten.
Don't HAste your ANger, TAKe your time.
Perpetual Metabolism, I am trying to rhyme.
Thanks for LEtting the POets know, about the SEcret books of the THesaurus.
Without I CAN't finish this.
Evermore edaciOUS, I'm getting BEtter.
ETernally Empty I'd like to HELp you write a letter.
Stating that this CRazy Lazy poet
You HaVe learned.
Changed my name six times, only to earn,never to burn.
So smile Always HUngry. May I buy you a cheese burger.
How and WHo, NO Deception
JUst COrrection from CONtinually
FAmished .
SOnnet or SonneTO , English or Italian
This haS made ME so Confused.
I haVE no fear, I shall admit .
FOrever desirOUs will show my bit.
She will Expose ME,Write my Wrongs.
PLEase I Must CONfess, PERpetually EMpty, I've Forgotten.
What it TAkes to wRIte a SONnet or sonnETo. MY words are ROTten.
Don't HAste your ANger, TAKe your time.
Perpetual Metabolism, I am trying to rhyme.
Thanks for LEtting the POets know, about the SEcret books of the THesaurus.
Without I CAN't finish this.
Evermore edaciOUS, I'm getting BEtter.
ETernally Empty I'd like to HELp you write a letter.
Stating that this CRazy Lazy poet
You HaVe learned.
Changed my name six times, only to earn,never to burn.
So smile Always HUngry. May I buy you a cheese burger.
