Poetry competition CLOSED 11th July 2016 9:09pm
WINNER
Anonymous
Anonymous
RUNNERS-UP:
Hepcat61
and MayRayn
Can you write a sonnet?
Anonymous
Hepcat61 said:HEP-ATITUS
A plague of fetid blood so I’ve become
Who vomits only bile and drywall dust
In horrid little squares whose added sum
Is so much sewer pipe and iron rust
A blood that has no purpose left to serve
But poison heart that nothing should remain
A black oil crust that’s shredding every nerve
Like shards of ground glass coursing through my brain
I wish that I could open veins and smear
Cute rounded flowers everywhere I see
But even then would square on square appear
My blood coagulates in squares of scree
To vomit bloody squares is all I can
Which takes me back to where my shit began
Well, that's a rather dark poem. It fulfills all the rhyming and metric requirements for an English sonnet. My only quibble is that I when I attempt to visualize "squares of scree", I draw a blank. From my experience in scrambling through scree, it doesn't lend itself well to the formation of squares.
A plague of fetid blood so I’ve become
Who vomits only bile and drywall dust
In horrid little squares whose added sum
Is so much sewer pipe and iron rust
A blood that has no purpose left to serve
But poison heart that nothing should remain
A black oil crust that’s shredding every nerve
Like shards of ground glass coursing through my brain
I wish that I could open veins and smear
Cute rounded flowers everywhere I see
But even then would square on square appear
My blood coagulates in squares of scree
To vomit bloody squares is all I can
Which takes me back to where my shit began
Well, that's a rather dark poem. It fulfills all the rhyming and metric requirements for an English sonnet. My only quibble is that I when I attempt to visualize "squares of scree", I draw a blank. From my experience in scrambling through scree, it doesn't lend itself well to the formation of squares.
Anonymous
So many dissing comments, i think this competition is fine and challenging.
Anonymous
Some of these merry rogues are known to me. Don't worry, the sonnet competition will proceed apace.
Meanwhile, I insist that Volvo is a Swedish automobile, not a beloved anatomical feature.
Meanwhile, I insist that Volvo is a Swedish automobile, not a beloved anatomical feature.
dejure
vick
Forum Posts: 2879
vick
Dangerous Mind
29
Joined 17th Aug 2015Forum Posts: 2879
a sonnet for the forest
I walked in to the depths of greens one day
to see the magic of the green forest
I felt the coldness of the wind my way
as I entered the depths of green forest
the birds they sang in joy of welcoming
me to the kingdom of the land of greens
I wanted to sing to the forest king
but where in here I look for such a dean
enchantment of the atmosphere divines
the cruelty of the human twisted mind
to heal the angry souls of men in line
who wants to come and cut the trees they find
what if the king of greens started a war
I know I will be fighting for the core
Anonymous
dejure said:
a sonnet for the forest
I walked in to the depths of greens one day
to see the magic of the green forest
I felt the coldness of the wind my way
as I entered the depths of green forest
the birds they sang in joy of welcoming
me to the kingdom of the land of greens
I wanted to sing to the forest king
but where in here I look for such a dean
enchantment of the atmosphere divines
the cruelty of the human twisted mind
to heal the angry souls of men in line
who wants to come and cut the trees they find
what if the king of greens started a war
I know I will be fighting for the core
You have generally followed the English sonnet form, but there are a few metrical problems. In the first stanza, you have two lines that end with "forest", which is a trochee, a metrical foot that has an accent on the first syllable ("FOR-est"). This causes an awkward bump at the end of those two lines (plus they don't rhyme in a pleasing way, since they both end in the same word.) The third line in stanza two ("I wanted to sing to the forest king") could be read as iambic pentameter, but it would be far more natural to put the accent on "sing": I wanted to sing to the forest king. In the second to last line you have a problem with "started", another trochee.
One other problem for me is the use of the word "dean" -- it rhymes, but does it really mean what you want for that context?
a sonnet for the forest
I walked in to the depths of greens one day
to see the magic of the green forest
I felt the coldness of the wind my way
as I entered the depths of green forest
the birds they sang in joy of welcoming
me to the kingdom of the land of greens
I wanted to sing to the forest king
but where in here I look for such a dean
enchantment of the atmosphere divines
the cruelty of the human twisted mind
to heal the angry souls of men in line
who wants to come and cut the trees they find
what if the king of greens started a war
I know I will be fighting for the core
You have generally followed the English sonnet form, but there are a few metrical problems. In the first stanza, you have two lines that end with "forest", which is a trochee, a metrical foot that has an accent on the first syllable ("FOR-est"). This causes an awkward bump at the end of those two lines (plus they don't rhyme in a pleasing way, since they both end in the same word.) The third line in stanza two ("I wanted to sing to the forest king") could be read as iambic pentameter, but it would be far more natural to put the accent on "sing": I wanted to sing to the forest king. In the second to last line you have a problem with "started", another trochee.
One other problem for me is the use of the word "dean" -- it rhymes, but does it really mean what you want for that context?
Anarchitect
Forum Posts: 105
Twisted Dreamer
1
Joined 21st Apr 2015Forum Posts: 105
That's Just Fucking Pluperfect
Satan begs me to recite poetry
while using him each night as a sex doll
He thinks this inspires me to talk dirty
but his thorny butthole makes me howl
Satan, leave me be - I'm masturbating
so I can think clearly, what rhymes with bone?
... er ... umm ... He is impatiently waiting
what I want is him to leave me alone
Love expired, can't take this biz anymore
Crumpling to the floor, I jizz on myself
Satan with key calmly unlocks the door
Emptied prescript bottles litter the shelf
Oh, God - I'm still stiff? What the hell went wrong?
"Viagra!" Satan says, lusting for song
Satan begs me to recite poetry
while using him each night as a sex doll
He thinks this inspires me to talk dirty
but his thorny butthole makes me howl
Satan, leave me be - I'm masturbating
so I can think clearly, what rhymes with bone?
... er ... umm ... He is impatiently waiting
what I want is him to leave me alone
Love expired, can't take this biz anymore
Crumpling to the floor, I jizz on myself
Satan with key calmly unlocks the door
Emptied prescript bottles litter the shelf
Oh, God - I'm still stiff? What the hell went wrong?
"Viagra!" Satan says, lusting for song
Anonymous
Johnny Blaze, I suggest that you and Magnetron and Anarchitect form a rhyme and meter support group. Or enroll in a 12-step program, perhaps.
Ahavati
Forum Posts: 14273
Tyrant of Words
116
Joined 11th Apr 2015Forum Posts: 14273
Legacy
Today I saw you aloft as a cloud
On this, your birth's anniversary.
Lying in a field I mused to myself
'Tis to him I owe all this poetry.'
As a little girl void of proper words,
Just a weed among garden fruition,
With animals and trees only to love,
I hid from demands and its discipline.
Yet a teacher when I, just barely nine
Recited your sonnet in class one day.
And while students faked their attentive smiles,
Twas I who found love in such artistry.
O Shakespeare! Thou legacy lives through mine,
Though eloquence doth pale compared to Thine.
~
Today I saw you aloft as a cloud
On this, your birth's anniversary.
Lying in a field I mused to myself
'Tis to him I owe all this poetry.'
As a little girl void of proper words,
Just a weed among garden fruition,
With animals and trees only to love,
I hid from demands and its discipline.
Yet a teacher when I, just barely nine
Recited your sonnet in class one day.
And while students faked their attentive smiles,
Twas I who found love in such artistry.
O Shakespeare! Thou legacy lives through mine,
Though eloquence doth pale compared to Thine.
~
Anonymous
Ahavati said:Legacy
Today I saw you aloft as a cloud
On this, your birth's anniversary.
Lying in a field I mused to myself
'Tis to him I owe all this poetry.'
As a little girl void of proper words,
Just a weed among garden fruition,
With animals and trees only to love,
I hid from demands and its discipline.
Yet a teacher when I, just barely nine
Recited your sonnet in class one day.
And while students faked their attentive smiles,
Twas I who found love in such artistry.
O Shakespeare! Thou legacy lives through mine,
Though eloquence doth pale compared to Thine.
~
It's difficult to critique the rhyme and meter for this poem, since it is written in free verse. Sonnets in blank verse (metered but unrhymed) and even free verse (unrhymed, unmetered) have become accepted in some circles, although I must confess that I am still uncomfortable with them. If you want to embrace "demands and discipline", I would recommend trying to write one in rhymed and metered verse. I'll jot down some suggestions in my next post.
One small technical detail which I will mention is that you are using the familiar form of address, which has died out in English (though it is still alive and well in German, Spanish and other languages.) "Thou legacy lives through mine" is incorrect -- it should be "Thy legacy lives through mine." Generally you would not capitalize "Thine" unless talking to god.
Today I saw you aloft as a cloud
On this, your birth's anniversary.
Lying in a field I mused to myself
'Tis to him I owe all this poetry.'
As a little girl void of proper words,
Just a weed among garden fruition,
With animals and trees only to love,
I hid from demands and its discipline.
Yet a teacher when I, just barely nine
Recited your sonnet in class one day.
And while students faked their attentive smiles,
Twas I who found love in such artistry.
O Shakespeare! Thou legacy lives through mine,
Though eloquence doth pale compared to Thine.
~
It's difficult to critique the rhyme and meter for this poem, since it is written in free verse. Sonnets in blank verse (metered but unrhymed) and even free verse (unrhymed, unmetered) have become accepted in some circles, although I must confess that I am still uncomfortable with them. If you want to embrace "demands and discipline", I would recommend trying to write one in rhymed and metered verse. I'll jot down some suggestions in my next post.
One small technical detail which I will mention is that you are using the familiar form of address, which has died out in English (though it is still alive and well in German, Spanish and other languages.) "Thou legacy lives through mine" is incorrect -- it should be "Thy legacy lives through mine." Generally you would not capitalize "Thine" unless talking to god.
Anonymous
Entry removed - Respectfully, I have no intentions on changing the write, no point in keeping it submitted. Regardless, the time spent sharing your thoughts was appreciated. ~ Taryn
Anonymous
Suggestions for writing rhymed and metered verse
A number of people have privately expressed to me their frustration with this. Here is one approach I might suggest to writing a formal sonnet.
Step one: Decide what you want to say. A sonnet should have an embedded cognitive twist, an element of surprise (the volta.) Think of writing a joke; first you need a punch line. The rest is about crafting a good build-up to that punch line.
Step two: Write one or two lines that you really like, that get to the heart of what you want to say.
Step three: Find some words that will rhyme with those lines. A handy resource is http://www.rhymezone.com/ I use it all the time. Choose a sonnet rhyme scheme that you find beautiful and/or convenient for your purposes: http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/sonnet.html
Step four: Tinker with your lines to get them to conform to iambic pentameter. Many people say they have difficulty "hearing" the meter. For a 10 syllable line, think Today, today, today, today, today. If you can recite your line with the same rising and falling stress pattern, you are there. You may also use an eleven syllable line, especially if you are Italian: Today, today, today, today, tomorrow.
Now, let's suppose your line doesn't fit that stress pattern. Well, you'll have to change it. It's not the end of the world. You can find a synonym for the word that doesn't fit. Try http://www.thesaurus.com/ I find that there is usually a word that I like just as well, but which has the right stresses to fit the meter. I know that the first word that came to mind seems so perfect, and it seems so unjust to reject it just because the meter is wrong, but believe me, there are other fish in the sea. Now, perhaps your line is too short; you've written tetrameter, and you need pentameter. In that case, find a nice adjective or adverb that will give you the two syllables you need. You may feel that you are prostituting your lovely poem idea by making such pragmatic decisions, but I think that when you see the finished product, you will appreciate the role that music plays in poetry. It enhances the beauty of the words.
A number of people have privately expressed to me their frustration with this. Here is one approach I might suggest to writing a formal sonnet.
Step one: Decide what you want to say. A sonnet should have an embedded cognitive twist, an element of surprise (the volta.) Think of writing a joke; first you need a punch line. The rest is about crafting a good build-up to that punch line.
Step two: Write one or two lines that you really like, that get to the heart of what you want to say.
Step three: Find some words that will rhyme with those lines. A handy resource is http://www.rhymezone.com/ I use it all the time. Choose a sonnet rhyme scheme that you find beautiful and/or convenient for your purposes: http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/sonnet.html
Step four: Tinker with your lines to get them to conform to iambic pentameter. Many people say they have difficulty "hearing" the meter. For a 10 syllable line, think Today, today, today, today, today. If you can recite your line with the same rising and falling stress pattern, you are there. You may also use an eleven syllable line, especially if you are Italian: Today, today, today, today, tomorrow.
Now, let's suppose your line doesn't fit that stress pattern. Well, you'll have to change it. It's not the end of the world. You can find a synonym for the word that doesn't fit. Try http://www.thesaurus.com/ I find that there is usually a word that I like just as well, but which has the right stresses to fit the meter. I know that the first word that came to mind seems so perfect, and it seems so unjust to reject it just because the meter is wrong, but believe me, there are other fish in the sea. Now, perhaps your line is too short; you've written tetrameter, and you need pentameter. In that case, find a nice adjective or adverb that will give you the two syllables you need. You may feel that you are prostituting your lovely poem idea by making such pragmatic decisions, but I think that when you see the finished product, you will appreciate the role that music plays in poetry. It enhances the beauty of the words.