Very Punny
Trixareforkids
Forum Posts: 2597
Dangerous Mind
6
Joined 2nd Jan 2016Forum Posts: 2597
Poetry Contest Description
Puns, puns oh what fun...
It's time to play with your food for thought. No pardons need be granted. Make me groan, make me laugh, make me wish I'd thought of that...
--New or old welcome
--Three entries per punster
--Poetic or prosaic
--bonus points for turning a cliché from a sows ear into silk purse 😄
--New or old welcome
--Three entries per punster
--Poetic or prosaic
--bonus points for turning a cliché from a sows ear into silk purse 😄
Zazzles
Broomie
Forum Posts: 1779
Broomie
Tyrant of Words
24
Joined 23rd Nov 2013Forum Posts: 1779
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only shorts made of plastic wrap. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nutts"
Okay so I didn't write this but thought it hallirious and that you wouldn't mind an example pun!
Of course I'll be back to post one of my own before this comp ends!!
EXCELLENT COMP IDEA TRIX👍
Trixareforkids
Forum Posts: 2597
Dangerous Mind
6
Joined 2nd Jan 2016Forum Posts: 2597
Lmao, just saw and read that one to me mudder earlier today!
L_one
Joined 12th Apr 2016
Forum Posts: 24
Lost Thinker
Forum Posts: 24
He was a bit testy
Jade-Pandora
jade tiger
Forum Posts: 5134
jade tiger
Tyrant of Words
154
Joined 9th Nov 2015 Forum Posts: 5134
Two guys were standing at the counter of a bar. One sipped on his beer and said: " I was at the track at Pimlico last weekend, and had put a wad down on a sure thing, and the horses were coming round the far stretch with my horse running next to last, and suddenly, it was like he was stung by a fat hornet right on his ass... and he jumped up, almost pitched the jockey for Christ's sake, and WHAP, like shot out of a cannon I'm tellin' ya'!... galloped past all the other nags, and crossed the finish line by ten lengths!" and clapped his hands and shot a line of tobacco juice splat! into the spittoon by his foot."
Another voice piped up, a race horse standing near the guys at the bar counter belted a tequila with a beer chaser...
"Well lemme tell you, what a coincidence, oye! The same goddamn thing happened to me!
I was at the track at Pimlico coming round the far stretch, running next to last, and suddenly, it was like I was stung by a fat hornet right on my ass... and I jumped up, almost pitched the jockey for Christ's sake, and WHAP, like shot out of a cannon I'm tellin' ya'!... galloped past all the other nags, and crossed the finish line by ten lengths!"
The two guys looked long at each other and one of them said,
"Well whaddaya know...
a talking horse."
<ba dum bum>
Another voice piped up, a race horse standing near the guys at the bar counter belted a tequila with a beer chaser...
"Well lemme tell you, what a coincidence, oye! The same goddamn thing happened to me!
I was at the track at Pimlico coming round the far stretch, running next to last, and suddenly, it was like I was stung by a fat hornet right on my ass... and I jumped up, almost pitched the jockey for Christ's sake, and WHAP, like shot out of a cannon I'm tellin' ya'!... galloped past all the other nags, and crossed the finish line by ten lengths!"
The two guys looked long at each other and one of them said,
"Well whaddaya know...
a talking horse."
<ba dum bum>
lepperochan
Craic-Dealer
Forum Posts: 14449
Craic-Dealer
Guardian of Shadows
67
Joined 1st Apr 2011Forum Posts: 14449
punday mornin' stroll.
wanted to drop into the stationery shop to get paper, sign said they moved so went to the bakery to get a scone, I said "a scone please" he said "s'gone" I said "it's not gone it's right there in front of me " so I left, want to the animal sanctury saw a donkey called Oaty, guy said it'd been through the mills. made friends with a family of ducks, had great quack.
bought the paper, headline said "man who stole batteries charged and put in cell"
met a German girl, asked if we could do anal, she said fuck that shit, so I went ahead: she kept shouting nine! nine! I thought she was marking me out of ten or being over generous about my member ...ended up in court
author's note: will be adding and taking away for the duration
wanted to drop into the stationery shop to get paper, sign said they moved so went to the bakery to get a scone, I said "a scone please" he said "s'gone" I said "it's not gone it's right there in front of me " so I left, want to the animal sanctury saw a donkey called Oaty, guy said it'd been through the mills. made friends with a family of ducks, had great quack.
bought the paper, headline said "man who stole batteries charged and put in cell"
met a German girl, asked if we could do anal, she said fuck that shit, so I went ahead: she kept shouting nine! nine! I thought she was marking me out of ten or being over generous about my member ...ended up in court
author's note: will be adding and taking away for the duration
Trixareforkids
Forum Posts: 2597
Dangerous Mind
6
Joined 2nd Jan 2016Forum Posts: 2597
Edit away but you've already got me groaning and 😆
PsycoticMastermind
Forum Posts: 209
Thought Provoker
2
Joined 20th Mar 2015Forum Posts: 209
Pucker Up
Judging
by the snorkeled grimace on her face
it is unclear whether she is
drowning in excruciating pain
as if being anally penetrated by a sea urchin
or
awash in unparalleled masochism
surfing orgasmic waves
throughout her body
regardless
the artist diligently working in confined space
continues inking away like a mad octopus
tattooing a bright pink starfish
on the sensitive flesh surrounding her
butthole
I hope for her sake
she doesn't end up getting Asteroids
Judging
by the snorkeled grimace on her face
it is unclear whether she is
drowning in excruciating pain
as if being anally penetrated by a sea urchin
or
awash in unparalleled masochism
surfing orgasmic waves
throughout her body
regardless
the artist diligently working in confined space
continues inking away like a mad octopus
tattooing a bright pink starfish
on the sensitive flesh surrounding her
butthole
I hope for her sake
she doesn't end up getting Asteroids
Anonymous
. . .and the tour Guide said pointing toward the back double doors: "Please step around the Shih Tzu when entering the facility please."
"What?!" tourist Johnny blurted from the back of the group while the group parted so the tour Guide could see him. "I thought this was an animal sanctuary not a fucking Shit Zoo!"
Everyone chuckled as the tour Guide pointed down and around Johnny's shoes: "Ahem," she said clearing her throat, "I was referring to the guard dog."
snugglebuck
Forum Posts: 1873
Dangerous Mind
77
Joined 3rd Feb 2014Forum Posts: 1873
http://i1317.photobucket.com/albums/t623/curlycue23/koch-bros.jpg
Don't be another Koch sucker
This election
Vote Blue
Don't be another Koch sucker
This election
Vote Blue
snugglebuck
Forum Posts: 1873
Dangerous Mind
77
Joined 3rd Feb 2014Forum Posts: 1873
http://i1317.photobucket.com/albums/t623/curlycue23/pun2.jpg
TONS OF PUNS
I heard a joke about Alzheimer’s, but I forgot how it goes.
The Center for Atheist Studies, is a registered non-prophet.
I bought something from Amazon, but it took forever to get down the river.
When I found out I had cancer, I was in de-Nile. Cause when your floating down shit creek it’s best not to think about it.
Why is Obama stalin in the Crimean? Is he putin things off? Or is it because he doesn’t want to go russian in there?
Are my puns gouda? I wish I could have come up with something cheddar. But it isn’t easy to be cheesy.
Q: Did you hear, when her comedy career got stuck in a rut Joan Rivers went in for throat surgery.
A: But she died, because no matter how hard he tried, the surgeon couldn’t pull a laugh out of her.
Q: Why isn’t it fair that the bartender was charged with trying to kill John Boehner?
A: Because John should have known better. After all, the bartender asked him, “what’s your poison?”
I found a hole in my neighbor lady's apartment wall. I’m looking into it.
Shouldn’t electric car batteries be free of charge?
If Rush Limbaugh isn’t gay, why does he give such good ditto-head?
After the priest was convicted, they renamed the church, St. Pedophilia.
I belong to the church of the Perpetual Erection, where all the girls know how to play the pipe organ.
Q: Why did the priest become celibate?
A: Because he didn’t want nun.
Q: Why didn’t Richard Nixon believe in oral sex?
A: Because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get it down Pat.
Q: Why couldn’t the guy score sex with the girl in tight jeans?
A: Because he just couldn’t pull-it-off.
Q: What do you call the truck driver of a mobile document shredder?
A: A tear-road-ist.
I like Big Puns, I cannot lie
Other guys like boobs
I love thighs
So take off your pants
And let me eat your pie.
Q: Why are baseball players good lovers?
A: They’re always up for a double header.
Q: Why did the girl make a porn?
A: Because she was feeling really porny.
Q: What do you call a mother who doesn’t believe in high school sex education?
A: Grandma.
Q: Why did Philip Seymour Hoffman turn down a role in 'Saving Private Ryan'?
A; There were to many hero's and not any heroines.
TONS OF PUNS
I heard a joke about Alzheimer’s, but I forgot how it goes.
The Center for Atheist Studies, is a registered non-prophet.
I bought something from Amazon, but it took forever to get down the river.
When I found out I had cancer, I was in de-Nile. Cause when your floating down shit creek it’s best not to think about it.
Why is Obama stalin in the Crimean? Is he putin things off? Or is it because he doesn’t want to go russian in there?
Are my puns gouda? I wish I could have come up with something cheddar. But it isn’t easy to be cheesy.
Q: Did you hear, when her comedy career got stuck in a rut Joan Rivers went in for throat surgery.
A: But she died, because no matter how hard he tried, the surgeon couldn’t pull a laugh out of her.
Q: Why isn’t it fair that the bartender was charged with trying to kill John Boehner?
A: Because John should have known better. After all, the bartender asked him, “what’s your poison?”
I found a hole in my neighbor lady's apartment wall. I’m looking into it.
Shouldn’t electric car batteries be free of charge?
If Rush Limbaugh isn’t gay, why does he give such good ditto-head?
After the priest was convicted, they renamed the church, St. Pedophilia.
I belong to the church of the Perpetual Erection, where all the girls know how to play the pipe organ.
Q: Why did the priest become celibate?
A: Because he didn’t want nun.
Q: Why didn’t Richard Nixon believe in oral sex?
A: Because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get it down Pat.
Q: Why couldn’t the guy score sex with the girl in tight jeans?
A: Because he just couldn’t pull-it-off.
Q: What do you call the truck driver of a mobile document shredder?
A: A tear-road-ist.
I like Big Puns, I cannot lie
Other guys like boobs
I love thighs
So take off your pants
And let me eat your pie.
Q: Why are baseball players good lovers?
A: They’re always up for a double header.
Q: Why did the girl make a porn?
A: Because she was feeling really porny.
Q: What do you call a mother who doesn’t believe in high school sex education?
A: Grandma.
Q: Why did Philip Seymour Hoffman turn down a role in 'Saving Private Ryan'?
A; There were to many hero's and not any heroines.
snugglebuck
Forum Posts: 1873
Dangerous Mind
77
Joined 3rd Feb 2014Forum Posts: 1873
http://i1317.photobucket.com/albums/t623/curlycue23/33303dde26f0e98ba0d043ccf589a3de.jpg
FAST FOOD FOLLY
At the fast food convention things got a little boring, so the Burger King asked Wendy if she’d like to come up to his White Castle and smoke a joint. After partaking in a few hits of 11 secret herbs and spices, they began to warm up to each other.
“Wendy,” the King said putting a hand on her legs, “you’ve got some fine lookn’ golden arches. So what’s a guy have to do to get a taste of your, hot and juicy?”
“Oh King,” Wendy cooed, “you’re a worse perv than Jared.”
“Well the Colonel say’s your one good hot and spicy Taco Bell,” the King replied.
“He should know,” Wendy said with a mischievous smile. “That spankn’ daddy is the first guy that I ever let in my drive through.”
“And he said you you’re one finger lickn’good chick,” the King added. “So what did you think of him?”
“He thought outside the bun, if you know what I mean,” Wendy said before taking a toke.
So that old rascal spilled his Mcflurry, the King laughed?
“Let me put it this way, I had to grab a bucket and mop.”
“So Wendy.” the King said in a relaxed voice, “are you ready to place your order?”
Uh-Huh, Wendy said in a deep voice, that's right. But not unless you can put a smile on me, cause I got a case of the craves. It’s like Ronald use to say, “want it, need it, you gotta have a taste for it,” and we girls have appetites too.
“Okay Wendy, you asked for it, you got it,” the King said standing proudly before her. “Don’t bother getting out your phone to take a selfie with this, cause it takes two hands to handle my Whooper.” It was then that the King opened his robes to display his menu.
But when she checked her order Wendy began to laugh. “Hardee, har har har, I haven’t seen anything like that since Carl Jr. showed me his frie.”
“Wendy, come-on, I’m larger than a Big Mac,” the King retorted.
“Sorry King, but where’s the beef? That’s all I’m saying,” Wendy said trying to contain herself.
“I admit, I’m no Long John Silvers, but you’re making me feel like some kind of Jack in the Box,” the King said in a tone that sounded like he was about to cry.
“Oh King, don’t get your crown bent out of shape, we can fix this, and get down to business,” Wendy said finally getting herself together. "You know how you’re always saying ‘have it your way," Wendy asked nodding towards his sub.
“Sure do, we aim to please!”
“Well then,” Wendy’s asked in a calm voice, “I’d like you to Super-Size that.”
FAST FOOD FOLLY
At the fast food convention things got a little boring, so the Burger King asked Wendy if she’d like to come up to his White Castle and smoke a joint. After partaking in a few hits of 11 secret herbs and spices, they began to warm up to each other.
“Wendy,” the King said putting a hand on her legs, “you’ve got some fine lookn’ golden arches. So what’s a guy have to do to get a taste of your, hot and juicy?”
“Oh King,” Wendy cooed, “you’re a worse perv than Jared.”
“Well the Colonel say’s your one good hot and spicy Taco Bell,” the King replied.
“He should know,” Wendy said with a mischievous smile. “That spankn’ daddy is the first guy that I ever let in my drive through.”
“And he said you you’re one finger lickn’good chick,” the King added. “So what did you think of him?”
“He thought outside the bun, if you know what I mean,” Wendy said before taking a toke.
So that old rascal spilled his Mcflurry, the King laughed?
“Let me put it this way, I had to grab a bucket and mop.”
“So Wendy.” the King said in a relaxed voice, “are you ready to place your order?”
Uh-Huh, Wendy said in a deep voice, that's right. But not unless you can put a smile on me, cause I got a case of the craves. It’s like Ronald use to say, “want it, need it, you gotta have a taste for it,” and we girls have appetites too.
“Okay Wendy, you asked for it, you got it,” the King said standing proudly before her. “Don’t bother getting out your phone to take a selfie with this, cause it takes two hands to handle my Whooper.” It was then that the King opened his robes to display his menu.
But when she checked her order Wendy began to laugh. “Hardee, har har har, I haven’t seen anything like that since Carl Jr. showed me his frie.”
“Wendy, come-on, I’m larger than a Big Mac,” the King retorted.
“Sorry King, but where’s the beef? That’s all I’m saying,” Wendy said trying to contain herself.
“I admit, I’m no Long John Silvers, but you’re making me feel like some kind of Jack in the Box,” the King said in a tone that sounded like he was about to cry.
“Oh King, don’t get your crown bent out of shape, we can fix this, and get down to business,” Wendy said finally getting herself together. "You know how you’re always saying ‘have it your way," Wendy asked nodding towards his sub.
“Sure do, we aim to please!”
“Well then,” Wendy’s asked in a calm voice, “I’d like you to Super-Size that.”
Trixareforkids
Forum Posts: 2597
Dangerous Mind
6
Joined 2nd Jan 2016Forum Posts: 2597
LOL Snugglebuck, that's quite the romp.
blocat
Forum Posts: 241
Dangerous Mind
9
Joined 1st Nov 2012Forum Posts: 241
Yeah though I squawk through the valley of the shadow of deaf, yet will I hear no evil! ;-)