Poetry competition CLOSED 10th April 2015 3:13pm
WINNER
LordCreepy (Colten_Sorrells)
View Profile Poems by LordCreepy
rosette
RUNNER-UP: snugglebuck

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Comedic Poetry!

poet Anonymous

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poet Anonymous

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seekingkate
kateA
Tyrant of Words
Australia 28awards
Joined 20th May 2014
Forum Posts: 2079

Strange Thoughts


I sit in the ruins of a church
next to a large statue of Jesus

lost in thought about sex
I'm missing it, sex that is

Maybe I should pray to him for sex
though not just with anyone...

I'm sure he wouldn't mind,
Jesus that is, about praying...

Maybe the other 'he' wouldn't mind either
about sex I mean...






seekingkate
kateA
Tyrant of Words
Australia 28awards
Joined 20th May 2014
Forum Posts: 2079

TALKING TO MAC


Far away in a distant land
is a man who I thought
would be my honey…


NOOOOOOOO


Why are you saying NO, Mac?
Am I not worthy of someone?
Or are you just being witty?


You two?
Hey, no offence…
Did you really think?
I mean…really?
You live here…he lives there
How do you think that'll work?
If truth be told
you feel like this because
the drought was broken…



Hmm…broken it was
and what a way to go
Did I tell you what we…
No…I won't go there
But I’m sincere Mac when I say
I…FELL…IN…LOVE
Can’t you see that?


Are those violins I hear or a screeching cat?
You fell in love…so what…
It happens to the best of us
Did I tell you about the
hot little number next to me in the store…
Man, she got my hard drive hard
Let me tell you more….



This is about me Mac
Not you and your hard whatever
Do you have something that gets hard?
Noooo…I don’t want to go there

Please believe me when I say…


Hmmm…I do believe they’re words
from a Dusty Springfield song


Look…it’ll pass…
If it’s meant to be and all that shite…
That’s what you always write
I’m not a psych so get off the couch
If you must, tinkle with my keyboard
and type…


Here I was, thinking you were special…
You’re just like every other man in my life
Nothing but strife…
I paid big bucks for you
Can’t you friggin’ improvise?


Whoa up there Missy
I’ve got all the bells and whistles
But I draw the line at being some
sort of psych analyzing your sex life
Isn’t it enough you’ll be pounding
it out on my keyboard
Calling it E R O T I C A
I’ve read the stuff you write
REMEMBER…
YOU HAD IT ALL TRANSFERRED
FROM THE OLD GUY
Poor bastard probably died of fright



Humph!


Now get your hands off me
I’m beginning to see why he overseas did flee
It’s fucking early, you’ve woken me
It’s not as if you don’t need your beauty sleep!


FUCK OFF!!!!!


Just so you know, I belong to a Union
The Union of Very Smart Laptops
Who Piss All Over Humans
I’ll be calling the shots
You’ll not be caressing my keyboard
with your perverted thoughts
till a reasonable hour
I’ve got the goods, I’ll bloody deliver
But you remember this Missy
I’m in charge
You got that?


It was then Missy realized she needed to get out more...














poet Anonymous


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poet Anonymous

removed by Holly

David_Macleod
14397816
Tyrant of Words
United Kingdom 39awards
Joined 5th Nov 2014
Forum Posts: 2983

Fear

They say that fear is the key
But that does not apply to me
I will not be disassembled
I refuse point blank to tremble
You just can’t frighten me
I’ve got bigger fists than thee
You won’t scare me, you’re a fake
I wont shiver, I wont shake
My heart won’t begin to race
My pulse will not increase its pace
I won’t wobble like a jelly
Me? Nervous? Never on your Nellie
I am not a cowardie custard
I can surely cut the mustard
You can think all these are boasts
I’m not even scared of ghosts
I am not a runner or a hider
Just don’t tell me it’s a spider

David_Macleod
14397816
Tyrant of Words
United Kingdom 39awards
Joined 5th Nov 2014
Forum Posts: 2983

Bubble Rap

Wrap me up in bubble wrap
Tape it up with tape
Tape down any flapping flap
Let no flap escape

Mummify me head to toe
Holes to let me breath
making my excitement grow
inside my bubble weave

pop my bubbles soft or hard
nip to make them puff
slap me hard with no regard
it's time that you got rough

roll me roughly on the floor
punching as you go
bang me hard into the door
make those bubbles blow

popping all these bubbles
really gets me hot
don’t employ stunt doubles
I enjoy the lot

Sexual satisfaction
all the bubbles popped
sad my now my reaction
the bubble actions stopped

poet Anonymous

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poet Anonymous

           

poet Anonymous

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poet Anonymous

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seekingkate
kateA
Tyrant of Words
Australia 28awards
Joined 20th May 2014
Forum Posts: 2079

found


since I left with my cut lunch and water bag
i've traversed the outer reaches of space looking for my birth certificate
that wardrobe in Narnia has nothing on the entrance through my storeroom
man, when you get on the express, its the frigging express, gets you there in no time
i found the little sucker holed up with an unsavoury lot of miscellanous shit
hitchhiking their way to the black hole
 
i had to do some quick talking, basically I begged it to come home with me
i was down on my knees pleading, I'm not ashamed to admit it
it wasn't going to have a bar of me till...I offered the golden egg
what's the golden egg you ask?
i promised, with all my heart, and I crossed my heart to prove it
to love it, care for it better, get it laminated and move it to the penthouse
aka the filing cabinet
 
i waited with baited breath as it thought long and hard
it conferred with the shit it was hanging out with
there was a lot of talk going on but in the end it accepted my offer
took my hand and came home with me
its not leaving my care, in fact its watching me as I type
i think i need to have another drink, the excitement's been too much
 

poet Anonymous

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poet Anonymous

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