Addiction

thank you Crazy_Admirer for your power punch of an entry :)

BUMP!

poor man's hamburger
On two slices of bread
Ketchup and mustard

Lol

Oh Fuck , It's Now A Need    


My personality
will kill its host , no joke
eventually, addictive by nature
to anything within pleasure
I'll try to champion everything
because I love life , when I'm winning
but if I'm not I'll fight for new beginnings
just to earn the right to that first , high again .
if it feels nice and or makes the sky all mine
where I can roll a dice for the buzzing old cloud nine
where the handsome clock don't stop it , taunts by hourly chimes
you're guaranteed to see my indulgence entirely eat me
the problem with all good feelings is the lack of full repeat
so if I like it , I want it , oh fuck , I'ts now a need  

(This piece is about Joshua John Miller, the actor who played Homer in Near Dark. He wrote a memoir about his violent life and heroin addiction.)

Reading Joshua Miller's The Mao Game

I look at you, burn
as if I were beautiful,
eat up your world
to suck at my fingers.

I could love you as you are,
aquiline and strange,
screaming mouth seared
by the kiss of the wrong.

Long ago the specterboys left home,
motherless, thirsty comets,
tongues gouging holes
in the hearts of fatherless girls.

In a foreign country,
I stare down at my arms,
squint to see
your track marks

Where sweet-brown junk
eased music through veins
tender-bruised and delicate
as a six-pm sunset.

(This is about my struggle with drug and sex addiction.)

Song of King Krypto

Little red-headed demon Irish boy.  
Run your hands through his beard.  
4 a.m. and you're high off King Krypto
and Bath Salts. He's got fingers
hooked like a cage in your vagina
and anus and you can't breathe
from the stark harsh beauty of it,
it's like the night and insects
are going to swallow you in,
cement you into that black-thick,
sweet abyss. Yeah, love it
baby, he'll be gone by Tuesday
but this is it, this madness is what
you've craved and you're swirling in it,
rock and roll, rock-hard head to toe,
baby got back, baby's heart is throbbing
bass ackwards in love. Fuck me. Fuck me.

He wants sex toys and you'll buy
a small fortune for him
at a sleazy porn shop outside city limits,
plastic curtains waving in the door frame
like a snuff film, the clerk an ex-drag queen
who recognizes your disease, builds
your confidence up for the moment you'll leave
Irish boy's house, the salt-at-your-lips aftertaste
of his sperm to keep you company on the drive home.

Go to the hospital two days later with his semen
still leaking from your every pore. You charm
the doc into getting only two days. Don't bathe
and the smell of you is sickening. They don't
do anything this time, don't even change
your meds, just let you sleep it off.

Oh, baby. When they play that song, you know,
the one where he screams he's so numb,
does that raw harmony like he's Bach in leather,
that pissed-off crescendo, fuck, it's so sweet,
it reminds me of you.

Always, that sweet fucking street-licked
pissed-off crescendo.  Angst and anger fortissimo.  
Throaty, visceral, on-my-knees-your-cum-in-my-mouth,
hurt-like-death-awareness, death-and-roses boyhood.

Always of you.

Thank you Paul and Toni for great honest entries :)

Awesome!!!!

  Know that is well over the 300 word limit, if this does not count as a submission as a result thereof, is cool, was fun regardless, just could not edit down this one,,, is an account of a day in the life of an alcoholic, an all the awful beauty found therein...
Prefrontal Cortex
Can’t concentrate on what I have to do  

MY God, I need a drink

Just need to take something to make the prefrontal cortex not give a fuck

Keep thinking about all the trivial bullshit clawing their way into the back of mind

My hands shake; Lord all I want is another try

All I want is to feel the same

Another brief moment in time;

By the window at night,

Right here next to my chair I open up the Beer fridge, with shaking hands

There is no escape, in the every day

every waking thought will always return

Where I am, where I work and what I should be doing,

reading, writing, schoolin,

Workin, turnin wrenches for the heartless…

dumb fuck prick bastards

Gets old, makes me turn round an hate having a part, but it’s a job…

Taking a drink, out of desperation

And am finally all in tune, from the overflow,  

…The prefrontal Cortex relaxes…

Hands stopped shaking, and my breathings gotten better

I know I work harder and better than I did before taking that drink

However, still am wanting more

God Damn… Slammed that bottle already,

Thought that it was just a few sips

Lord; I know that my body's gonna pay for this mischief, in this world or the next,

Fuck it, Body aches an am getting shaky again, need another… and another to get over, it;

Another bottle, instantaneously feel better,

Prefrontal Cortex relaxes even more,

Building up, building up more scar tissue than it had the day before

Matter in the brain now, both grey and white, resistance communicating to the other half of me;

Must confess, it brings me a sense of euphoria that was lacking before

I sense that, I feel that, that, I, I feel that I am functioning better than before

And I don’t hear any of that other bullshit occupying the brain

Turn up the tunes man, Beatles, Guns n Roses, Zeppelin, Dio, Deep Purple, Sabbath and Dylan,

Another bottle and another,,, a 40 aint shit no more…

My God, now look at that man,

Got 375 words already written for my project,

and Sitardays bible study already written out

And its pretty good, But… but…

…I… I need more; to help finish up,

since now, more than a quarter of my life’s already past,

GOD, can you tell me, is life more than just to die,

Are the stones singing out

Do they sing, Thy Kingdom come, it shall be done… on earth;

Some people like to go out dancing, some gotta work, others sit back drinking coffee and turn out a page, incredible page after page, others hardly have to do anything at all

Sweet Maria, Ooo - beautiful Maria de mi amor,

I need, oh I need just a little bit more;

Just a little more heavy metal toxicity for me sweetheart, little more heavy mental stimulation now,

Enough to care no more and concentrate on the work ahead

Admittedly, I have you on my mind

Fuck the rules of verse and opinions o’ me now… any site am on

How could I go on that way,

Just a couple more pages now,

The prefrontal cortex loosens up more, every time it hears my lips and the bottle make that sound


///Slight impairment of balance, speech, vision and reaction time becomes noted now///

And Then comes silence, all of the other voices drivin us / me mad are gone,

Still, theres still a ever growing presence within, just won’t leave me alone

Confabulation sets in, trying to connect two parts of the brain, now separated by scar tissue,

by years of drinkin, makes me sound like a joke, searching for just the right word

Hallucinations, loss of my memories,

Inability to form new memories, or make sense when talkin now,

Looking up, there’s a time remembered, the face of a fallen angel will follow me everywhere I always go,

Mary, Oh Mary, no, I wasn’t always very nice to her,

I love her, yes I do I do,

but sometimes I was cruel,

Turned away when she wanted to be near,

I have not missed you of late til you gone away,

Sometimes God Damn, though it may sound sad, I just needed time alone

Go ON, GO… leave me alone, for a while, for a few hours, or the rest of the night, go to your moms,

I need to work and get shit done

Damn it, Fuck it all, quit gettin in my head, quit tryin to make me feel bad,

I’m not even sure if your really here at all anymore

if I open my eyes, Im not sure if your here,

I cant remember if your at your moms,

or if your gone, completely gone

I, don’t remember,

The last drink,

The Prefrontal Cortex scars an relaxes now to a point beyond stimulation,
.50 BAC and climbing, though I forgot I was living in different times

Past scar tissues form between the prefrontal and frontal cortexes

too thick to communicate now,

life support shutting down

fuck the liver, the brain dies long before if your hard core,

Grossly stronger now, soul searching

Prefrontal Cortex relaxes, the final grasp is gone,

and I collapse against the wall, alone, looking up I notice that yes, I am alone or in a dream,

and breathing becomes ragged, heart beat lowers and temperature drops immensely,

The cares of life count down by one, again by one

Breath of life diminishes again by one, always by one;

Onset of coma sets in, respiratory arrest follows,

beyond passing out, and difficulty to awake

premature death is at last at hand

the heartless from the heart, come full circle round again, and found wanting, hated ever having a part

How I hate for the idea of you to find me this way,

Finally gone, look to me no more,

Here, there, and everywhere

Even when the skies are grey:

                                          E.R.M III / wolf

Thank you Deadwolf for a very raw, real poignant write :)

---

Blurred Lines


And the leather;
Stiletto's, eyes
masked behind
feather, taking
a drink from a girl
named Heather. But
that
smell

It must be the smell


-x-

Addiction takes until there's nothing left; There are No Morals where Addiction occurs, Personality's of many it takes and it Blurs, They use, They abuse, Betray you and Lie...  And They do all of this Just to get High!... Your thoughts and your feelings No.they do not count.. Because all that's on their mind.. is a stronger Amount. Around every corner, At the back of their mind.. Any Excuse Around it they'll Find.. The Pacing Up and Down of the hall. Do not be Fooled Addiction will call. Feeling Like You are Never Enough... The Smaller things, Become the Bigger Stuff... Emptiness and Feeling Numb.. The Butterflies that Fill your Tum.. The endless Trying, Endless Crying, Trying to Repair, But When let down you are left completely in Despair.. Unwanted Thoughts that spin your Head, When tucked up at night, laying in bed.. Wondering if we are going to make it, or Just how long will I be able to take it? Before You break me until there's no longer Feeling...  Past the point of return... Far Beyond Healing... You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, Make your choice wisely.. Let that Choice be me.  

thank you Uma, Alistair and Kati for great entries :)

the post

take the supple leather
braid it
and form something
that will bring moans
to the surface of my skin
and hair
and nipples
grab a fistful of
hair and drag me
to the post

the post,
once my enemy is now
…needed
i need to feel the smooth
wood against my skin
my back
or shoulders
or wrists
or tits
or cheek
tie me, somehow,
to the post so that
i have lost all
control
and you can exert
it all

put your hands around
my throat and push me
against my post
as you kneel in front
of me
my cunt automatically
angles towards
you
as punishment for that
involuntary action
you squeeze harder
making stars dance
and my breathing labored

just before my vision
goes black
you whisper
“you better get that cunt
under control…”
you release the pressure
from my bruised neck
i gulp in air
and blink away
vanishing stars
pressing my cheek
to the smooth wood
of the post
“yes, sir.”

I’m left with
my addiction,
my post,
praying for another
hit

thank you Goddess for such a sexy addiction :)