The darkness inside you

   I get so fucking serious it's painful. Sitting here pondering the world from the my little shed in the middle of pastures and sugar cane farms, 50 miles from anywhere. No glow of a town. No lights, no houses in sight. Nothing!
   Safe, critical, self involved and sad. Not depressed, that's different. My life is really quite fine these days except for the fact that I'm so tired of feeling sad. Or so happy and elevated that I feel off my face. That usually comes from being surrounded by good, strong, positive, excited people. But sometimes it comes unexplained. Everything is at extreme levels at the present. But I recognise that I'm out of practice. And some things I'm just finding out now from people in the know, so I should be able to get better at this with a bit of time and advice. Woohoo! That'll be a first.
  But the sadness, it never leaves. Often I can just burst into tears for no reason. And I am a product of many years in psych institutions with therapy like you wouldn't believe, so I do know emotions which is why this problem of mine has always confused me. I know this stuff. I've been plugged into computers, strapped to beds for days on crazy meds that shut everything down except your mind. Locked wards for so long that when I was released I couldn't leave. The world got too big while I was shut away. Along with locked wards and schedules comes padded rooms and straight jackets. They haven't used them in years you say. Hmmm, believe what you will. You wanna know helpless frustration? Spend three days and nights in a jacket. I still dream of these times vividly. I don't like that at all. It scares me. With what I know now it's no surprise that they couldn't ever find a solid diagnosis on me. I've been diagnosed with everything from schizophrenia to bi-polar. But I also spent years in the close company of those with these afflictions. I came out of psychs each time worse than I went in. I always seemed to come away with more symptoms than I went in with. And knowing what I know about myself now, I'm not surprised that I displayed symptoms of all that I came into contact with. I had voices in my head for length periods of my past. Though looking back, at those times I was in the express company of schizophrenics and regressed and drug induced psychotics. I feel like monkey see, monkey do, describes it well.
   This is all a constant for me and it kinda leaves me tired all the time. Drained in a big way continually. The self awareness in mind numbing. With so many people afflicted in such ways comes immense amounts of confusion and sadness. Something that has never left my consciousness to this day. I can redirect focus at times. Though I am always aware that I can feel it. I can be ecstatically cheerful and I am still aware that I am sad. Or more to the point, that I am feeling sadness. I have found that most times its not my life that makes me feel this way. I'm always worried about someone. I don't choose to feel this. Who would? So many sad people and unhappy situations. And I am consciously aware of this. Always have been. Why do I have to feel these things? What did I do to deserve this? For some reason, even as a young child I have always been aware of sadness, pain and struggle that is not mine. It's tiring you know? Well, you probly don't know what I'm talking about and I'm glad you don't know. Sometimes I don't want to know either. Dealing with myself can be tricky enough without dealing with the emotional problems of others. I know we all feel these things but why do I have to know what someone else's turmoil feels like? It gets busy enough in here.

So, now I've removed myself from anything that might have me feel something. I have always had an unnatural comfortability being in the bush, in the dark, and on my own. It settles my head. Away from any and all triggers. Anything that may wake an emotion from its safe little coma. Best leave them be I say. Especially yours. You can have your feelings. Coz fuck me they can cause me some issues. It's better out here in the scrub than in town. It's not as strong out here. My head is a little quieter. My stomach doesn't churn as often. But it's still there.
   And it doesn't matter where I go, how fast I run, how secluded my hideaway be. There's still one thing that can not be removed. One thing that has always caused me problems. Me. I, will still be here. And it's me that is attracting my own issues by either not interpreting the feeling correctly, which I do when I'm out of practice and mind fucked, or I'm feeling the emotions of others and apparently taking them on. I definitely don't mean to. I don't want it. You can have it!
   Even suicide can't change this situation for me. Suicide is only an option when all else fails. Rules I set years back. Had to. Things were very messy for a long time. So, gotta follow the rules. But here suicide would improve nothing. I know this because I can feel that the other side is there. I am not religious. There is a consciousness in death. I have always felt it. So if I died, then I'd be there with me instead, and that would piss me off no end. From here the choice still remains. Once I'm there, I don't get the choice to come back. So, it doesn't qualify as an option. Which is good. But, fuck! Where's that little time of peace in my head and heart that I've always wanted and hoped was coming. Just a little will do. Fairs fair.
  Life in itself doesn't bother me. I can handle any problem or issue with ease. I can breeze through your issues and help quite a bit. I know this because I've been told so and I feel good to do it. People tell me the most personal things. Like, heavy shit. But they always do it. They'll just wander up even though we haven't met and off they go into what they wanted off their chest. It's strange but it's pretty cool I think. It's a privilege I believe. People trust me. And they are safe in doing so. I know what it means. I would never fuck with that. Helping people brings me the best peace I can find. It's a beautiful feeling that I need to keep as current as I can. My emotions are too intense. Mind you I've found out recently that most of the time when I'm struggling with feelings like that it's because they aren't mine. Other emotions are too overwhelming to handle at the same time as dealing with mine. My emotions mixed with yours can fuck me in a big way if I haven't kept my head and heart on track. Especially emotion that is intense and that I wasn't prepared for. I am seeing this more clearly as time passes. Having said that there have been periods in years past where this thing has had me in extremely strange situations and I loved it coz I was in tune with myself at those times and I guess everything worked the way it was supposed to. There have been times I have mapped the past of a person I have just met. Though I have to be calm and relaxed for that. Most times at the moment my head and body has many strange sensations like tingles and waves going through me. Mostly my head and stomach. Sometimes I can feel physically sick like a churning stomach until on that day I run into someone that wanted to get something off their chest. After our conversation, as long as they are settled, then I'm settled again. What the fuck is that about?

And yes, suicide has been such a constant awareness of mine that I don't even worry about it anymore. It's more of a technical option rather than an emotional one. I talk of suicide relatively often though it has rarely much to do with my death, if you get me. Its just a topic I'm so used to being aware of that it's more a comparison, or reference point than anything else. I will never kill myself. Like I said previously. There would be no point to killing myself, and even if I was considering it as an option something would stop me from being in a situation to carry through. It's just the way it is. It's happened too many times in the past to question it anymore. I won't die. I will always be alive I reckon. And that can be way worse.
  Coz it means the lad's gotta front up, hey? I can front. Rules leave me no choice. If I'm not out then I'm in. So, have a go and get the job done. I'm just so tired with the continual effort to stay elevated and with a clear head, which is impossible because there is always been too much going on in my head to have any peace. It's always been like this. And so looms insomnia. Ha! Just being vaguely level would be great. Just for a while. Now that I'm alone and nowhere near civilisation it's a little better. So that's good, though I'm going to have to rejoin some part of the population at sometime, so I've got some figuring, reading and practice to do in preparation for that. I know this all probably sounds a bit weird and dramatic but this is me. This is what it's alway like. Ahh, well. It's not a new thing, just gotta get a better understanding and embrace it properly and I'm told things will improve.
  But giving in is easier. And here lies the other side of thinking. It's always there but it knows to stay in its cage these days. I know what I'm doing with this stuff. It's the other shit that fucks me.
  But the statement is a true one. Giving in is definitely easier. All of the above writing is about not giving up. The next little paragraph is for giving in. Which requires more work?
  Giving in is as easy as exhaling. So easy it makes me dizzy when I'm in a mood to play with the thought. Close my eyes, that little smile, tilt left, relax the grip, and allow my whole being to slide off my soul.
  You may not believe me, but these are not just words, this can be done. When in a certain states of mind doors open to places you never knew existed. I've spent the better part of my life in pointed focus on all parts of my behaviour and thinking. Spiritual and intellectual. The places I have travelled in my mind when strapped to a bed for days on end, you would not believe. This is conscious thought I'm talking about. Not drugged hazes. We're not the only plane of existence here. This is fact. You think humans are busy? Everything is busy kids. You just need to see with the right eyes. And I want those eyes back. When I'm focused, I can do anything. Don't know why I wrote this for ya's. I just love to write and this place has such a mixture of souls that can breed much experience if you're keen enough to look. And it's experience that has kept me alive to this day. Because the track I used to get here was dangerous. There are better ways. Maybe someone will relate. Later kids...

nope no darkness just alcohol and self loathing

my bad i dont have an entry theres no darkness in me. continue.

Monster

I hate you  
With a burning searing passion  
Who you are and what I've become  
Wanting to choke the living life out from you 
Kill you and watch you burn into cinders  
I know there isn't anything good in you  
No other reason to look at myself  
For you wont find anything good in me  
Wrestling with Jakob  
My angry soul endures  
Heart broken, asunder  
The angel has been overcomed  

A howling comes from within  
Black doves fall from the sky, in flames  
My rattle hums  
Soul begins to burn, red orange glow  
Monster in me rises against the son  
Serpentine skin begins to glisten  
Cant seem to break free from these chains  
That bound me to my prison irrevocable sins  
Emptied soul, afflicted spirit  

Take these off  
Take'm off from my heart  
Takes these chains off  
Take'm off from my heart  

Apollo burns outside  
My sun a total eclipse  
I'm a blackout inside  
Everyday is another black day  
Another black day rises in me  

Tired of looking inside  
Pass the face of fear  
Into the deepest darkest regions of my valley  
Crosses that burn  
See the flames higher and higher  
Staring straight into the eyes  
The monster that's in me  
The monster that has killed me  
Tired of looking inside  
Just wanna shatter the windows to thy soul  
Split my chest open, rip my heart out  
From the vampire that's constantly  
Feeding away at my black  
Never getting enough  
Fangward deep into my rivers  
Draining, Blackening my soul  
Blackened is my end  
Fallen into obscurity  
Killing all that I am  
Never is my sun to be born again  
Darkening in vain  

I'm burning  
Smell its appetite  
High as a serpents vie  
Yellow eyes filled with diminished hope  
Falling from my sky, sinking  
Embracing the night  
Feeling cold inside  
Serpentine spirit  
Black soul  
Dammed  

-ADuarte

simple. devil within

It simple really
I love you
Now I like someone
You tell me
You don't care
But in reality
You do
I fucked another guy
So what
But like I cared
Don't you know me
The devil burns
Dwells under my skin
And I'm your favorite sin
Am I cheater
No no
I'm a Game maker
and your my player
But you're Game is over
Sweetheart don't cry
I'll return
But baby
Make a deal with the devil
And you'll