Words Left Unsaid

WATER COLOR WORDS

I will say the words you never said
And only you will hear them
I will hear the words you never heard
As only I can speak them
Treadmill tide, has cast a velvet void
Over your desolate absence
Solitude salvation seeks its way
Creeps in shadow over the threshold
One day I will find you there
When all else will be waiting
An echo from the far away street
Too much endured, too little, too late
Wuthering wind weeps wounded
Somewhere still
Cry the clouds
A sky of dismay
Haven of heart
Sailed away
I am tomorrow
You
Are
Yesterday

~ I should have ~


I should have loved you in the moment,
And given you sincere words, rather than jokes;
And shown you how my eyes only saw you;
And caught your hand as it touched my cheek,
forbidding your leave.  

I should have thrown all my foolishness aside;
And told you that you were my everything;
And embraced you with the eagerness I tamed;
And kissed every inch of your bare body,
so you'd see how much I wanted you there with me.

I should have told you how your smile made life worthwhile;
And called when I ached to hear your voice on lonely nights;
And reached for your hot touch on my icy skin;
And explained how your absence made me feel lost,
as I yearned for your return.

Now I walk down the empty halls without you;
And through memories of missed chances;
And become a ghost of a girl you once knew,
And who should have told you,
How much she loved you.

A Shameless Look Back

my thoughts lisped and stuttered
a subtext of subterfuge
an agile wit and silver tongue
corralled wayward impulses

how could I confess to cherish another
when I couldn't claim to treasure myself?
the intense insincerity stung
with insecurity

the 'should haves' and 'might have beens'
are a weighty brick on my chest
so intent on a future
I neglected to provide a present

this pigheaded grey matter
mistakes apologies for weakness
and sympathy for pity
errors in my binary code
(ctrl+alt+del) memories
(copy+cut+paste) DNA

now I know that you were the one;
to weather the thundersnow conjuring
behind these frosting irises,
to ride the carousel
swirling in my
cavernous
headspace

Night vision

I lay awake
wondering
if time travel is real

and if I close my eyes
will I wake ten years
from now

inside a coffin
or your bed, though
they are much the same.

You still filter through
the quiet moments,
still hold my heart hostage

to all the chaos
that rains down
on love such as ours

and If I
never touch you again,
never feel your weight

upon my glass shoulders
I confess, you
will always exist

within silence
in dark cerebral halls,
the caverns of the damned.

Lovesong of a drug addict

It's been a while since I last saw you,
and I know time changes all of us.

I forgot what your smile looked like,
how your face looked when you frowned.

I forgot the smell of your clothes on my bed,
I forgot the joy of you coming home.

I forgot the sound your voice made,
when I tickled you against your will.

I forgot those eyes of yours,
how beautiful were they?

All this shit that happened
destroyed me beyond repair.
And yet you know nothing of it,
because you were not there.

I want to blame it on my past,
but that's not right,
and nothing would change,
even if it was.

All I can remember
are the consequences of those days,
nothing can make this pain go away,
I just want back these peaceful days.

It's been a while since I last saw you
and all I can remember
is your bright face
when you danced with me.

The Jump

I wish it never happened,
I want to save you,
I need to go back to that day,
For it haunts me daily,
Killing me.

It seems one that day you're perfectly fine,
And the next you're on the roof line.
I prepare to open my mouth, with words planned carefully,
But beware, for the doubt of saying the wrong has caught up.
With fear flowing through my veins with every heartbeat,
Times running out, as the rains sing a lullaby,
The last lullaby she would bear.

With everything ill,
The kill switch is flipped,
Her foot slips.
Over flowing memory's, I race to the streets
To find nothing but unknown faces, sirens,
And the body of my beloved.

The last memory of her, blood curling by thought,
Oh the vast amount of things I could've said.
But now comes the time,
With the pain to great,
The guilt of not saying "Stop", "You're my everything",
Or the most important "I love you",
I approach my kill switch,
The same place hers was flipped.
Maybe ill be encased in fame, for she was

As I begin to slip,
Something grips me, pulling me from the brink of death.
But for no one but me on the roof,
I begin to realize,
She had done something I couldn't.

and
for gods sake
don't forget the clocks
go forward tonight
not back

Please, Help Me Find My Way…

Dear Daddy,

I’m sorry for what I’ve done,
I let it win again,
This addiction hurts a ton,
I can no longer let it win…

You showed me I am better than this,
You guided from the start,
Ignorance is bliss.
I cant live without a heart.

You know you are my hero,
Please help me prove I’m done.
I want to be a brave girl,
I have to prove I’ve won.

I cannot live another day,
Knowing I’ve hurt you,
Please, daddy, help me find m y way.
I promise that I’m through.

I never chose to live life this way,
I should have taken notes from you
And watched you day to day.
Now I’m ready dad, what I say is finally true.

Life is so painful to obey,
No matter what I do,
Ill never be that perfect girl,
I keep disappointing you.

I try and try to be good enough,
I try to do everything you say
I fail at pulling through,
Please dad, help me find my way…

Why is there no cure for me?
I’m suffering and dying here,
I have to lock this up, you see
Or I wont ever be freed,

If only you would show me how to live so happily
Please help me find the one and only key.
I shut out all my anger, was this your strategy?
The answer is somewhere close, I can almost see

You are the wisest man I have known,
And the bravest from the start.
The only one left to save me,

The answer is in your heart.
I can see the answer now,
You’ve had it all along.
I wasn’t able to see how,
But you were teaching me right from wrong…

I wasn’t seeing the path clear
No one had the answer, from deep down in your core,
My answer had been near.
Its what I never prayed for…

From time to time it glanced at me,
And peeked out from your sole,
The answer wasn’t money,
Your love will make me whole.

I looked in all the wrong places,
I wanted more and more,
But all that more would have had me dead,
And now I have to explore,
No one had ever given or said,
How much this mends my heart that had tore.

Before I can earn your golden key
I have to learn to love to be me,
She’s smiling now, she feels so free
Thanks daddy, You’ve helped me start to see.

The answer wasn’t money,
My emotions flow by tear
Its time to look up now dad…
I don’t have to hide in fear…
I won’t look back, for this life is the best I’ve ever had.

It’s your heart of love I now feel,
Where was it all along?
Suffering was a must for me, now its time to heal.
I will let you in and hold on for lifelong.

I refused to see it there before,
To see what was really true,
I had to believe there was happiness in store.
All I have needy Dad, All it was is you…

I want to think you didn’t want to walk away…
I know it hurt, and broke you up
You’ve been waiting; it was worth it for this day.
I promised you I could do it, I would someday measure up!

It was a key made all of your love,
The answer was your heart…
Glistening gold from sun rays high above,

I’m looking ahead now; I have a fresh new start.
My selfishness I’ve let go of,
Now we wont feel so far apart...

I am here to stay,
Lets make some new memories,
Life’s so much better this way,

Second chances do happen,
Though a million chances are few,
Please let me make it up to you,
I can’t live a life without you,

You have uplifted my way of thinking,
Introduced me to a whole new way,
I no longer will be sinking,
I rise high for each new day

I am your loving daughter,
I will fight this come hell or high water…
I will love you unconditionally,
As long as you can now love me for being me!

My Love Lingers On


My love should have been bagged up with that cold mountain novel, boxes of previous thoughts opened up and
released, "Go go shue! fly away" Left bereft for a few weeks, feeling the loss of having no more secrets
to bury deep, finally taking strides with long breaths in calm equal measure, remembering little of what did
or didn't transpire, making good, gaining ground on those I'd lost when I fell for you, Is that what should
have happened?, I mean, you explain it didn't you? how it was twice over too, and yet I didn't let go, my
love lingered by the boundary fence I still hear it now "you've wasted so much time on this" though I
realised it's meaning only a few weeks ago. Is that what it is I know you but you don't know its me, come
hither a little closer come spin me a sensual yarn about love so I don't feel so bad in mine, I'm sure I'm
mistaken in believing though I believe little if anything now, so it makes small talk only to badger on and
on about it.If I walked tomorrow out of everyone's life in computer world I wouldn't consider it a waste at
all, It's made me happier than I could have hoped for, Maybe a little selfish to want it all but I allowed
myself to dream, I'm in love up to the boundary fence, beyond that I cant see, maybe they moved away sometime
ago, failed to leave a calling card, maybe oblivious to me still being here, It's a slow death and not pain
free. but I linger all the same, It's what I do, makes me painfully happy, So yes, write out your poetry
pieces Mr to gather me in some more, I don't care for real or not real anymore, It makes me happy so I'll
read on and keep dreaming even if your there or not.

The reality of building a bird house

Sipping on my golden ale
watching your daughter shake her ass
like she’s in a hard core rap video
I realize what a hypocritical world we live in
looking around the room, the true scum of society is at every turn
there’s deacon Jim siting at the table in the back cause the light never works
hiding from any church member that may stop in to pray for the infidels
we have Judge Roberts siting in the fuck me I’m important section
always ready for a quick dance
he moves a lot faster in here than he did in court last year
want say too much about the old bastard
he’s the only one that has ever dismissed any of my charges
Mr. Paul sits close to the door
owner of the largest construction company in the area
always claiming the club owner wanted him to stop by for business
this possible expansion job has being going on now for the past 2 years
Mark and Tina sit cozy at the front row of stage 2
he’s a teacher at the local Junior College
she’s a stay at home wife and PTA council member that enjoys getting her freak on
Lisa always sits at the bar, a loan manager at the local bank
claims only to have stopped by for a drink because of her stressful day
we act as if we don’t notice the glitter around her lips and detect a  hint of  pussy on her breath
or notice the fact that she leaves every time Natasha’s shift is over
I look around the rest of the room and laugh
there is a shiny white skin patch on the finger of half the men in here
guessing the golden ball and chain is stowed away nicely in the front pocket
covered with the excuse of working late at the office again
this is an everyday occurrence in my fucked up world
a world that society looks down on with judging arrogance
but hey, what the hell do I know
I’m just a reformed man freshly placed back into society
with the masterful skills of building beautiful bird houses
and sowing stitches only matched by Martha Stewart  
this same society from which I was taken refers to me as an ex-con
deemed not trust worthy and found guilty by a jury of my peers
saying yes the sack is mine might not have been the best choice
next time I should tell the truth like most fine upstanding citizen do

For Marius;Last Words Unheard

sitting on the last steps
up into your home
clutching ripe bananas
against my bony chest

look Marius one last bunch
all yellow and ripe
I whispered, but was unheeded
you were fast asleep

under the white canopy
they made you ready
for your journey
where I couldn't be

the dogs sniffed at them
yellow ripe bananas and snuffed
disdainfully trotting away
from a four year old child

I still remember Marius
just five, with high pitch giggles
I see again his withered left leg
watch his last travel down the road

Wishing for last words
profoundly meaningful and poignant
a speech to overwhelm orators
Not about sharing bananas

maybe that said it all
a last offering, a farewell
now I only hear Marius hunting
with baying dogs.

Bound to Violence (Take a back seat)

Take the knife to the life line
or hold it to your throat.
Say you love me one more time.
I'm struggling to resist, don't persist in my cravings.

I love the sight of your throat slashed
and your blood spraying out, an enthralling image
to say the least. I'd call it a decorative splatter.
I'll always imagine loving you, imagining it now.

I imagine death in its many forms, its many images
in an explicit pornographic flick. I take enjoyment
in regulating sympathy, rationing affectionate displays.
It's not real, so you know.

Violence and bloodbaths consume me. Loss, agony, despair
and retribution fuel me. Bound to hatred by obligation
it's ingrained in my putrid soul. Blackened and vile
and I just cannot give a fuck for you. Let alone anyone.

Nothing but a weapon, my finger poised on the trigger
to the side of my skull. Now fuck off; it is time to finish  
what I started, what still remains empty needs its fulfillment.  
You need your fulfillment; in your blood hunger too.

-The Loss-

Why must it end this way?
A continuous never ending circle

The fight with a family member
Space required and achieved
Something awful happens
And never had the chance to clean the slate

Always thinking of the "What If's"
Never considering the perks

This life we lead is full of sadness
And pain

How are we supposed to live happily,
If all we can do is mourn our losses?

The loss of a family member
The loss of a close friend
The loss of a love partner
The loss of what matters most

The loss in this world is high
The gain is low
Find what you love most
Speak your mind
Cherish it
Love it with all your heart

I always wished that you would have understood me
And that you could’ve seen that that I tried to be all that I could be
Before you died, I was not that important to you
So I left and you never found out what I was like or what I had to do

When I was young, I was cherished and loved by all
Then I became chubby, a shame to you when anyone came to call
Before you left, I was not that important to you
Oh how I wish I could have told you what I went through

You were right about everything; I was not prepared for life
And I suffered a lot of hell on earth and personal strife
Before you left, I was not that important to you
I tried one last time to speak, but you hadn’t a clue

We stayed at a distance; we were two of a kind
And you left and took your secrets before they entered my mind
Before you left, I was not that important to you
While everyone else did what they could, I ran, did what I had to

Protecting me from harm, I know that you did your best
Now I wish that I had told you that I was glad you did, before they laid you to rest
Before you left, I was not that important to you
You left dark shadows over the old family home; like a never-ending dark grey hue

Words left unsaid, no chance for explanations or reason
You went to heaven, in the warm hot summer season
Before you left, I was not that important to you
But you had to know how much I loved you, and I knew you loved me too

Yes, I agreed, I should have stayed longer, but my mind could not bear the pain
If it could’ve, I would’ve, stayed with you through the pouring rain
Before you left, I was not that important to you
Now that you are gone, there is no one for support, I’m left very blue

Wishing does not help, you are gone and out of my life now
Slid into a coma, in your house, just as you’d hoped somehow
Before you left, I was not that important to you
Never allowing myself to trust, being the firstborn, I secretly knew

There are no confessions or apologies left to deal with so I am left to atone
You know everything there is to know, and see that I’m left all alone
Before you left, I was not that important to you
Ashamed, I’ve left the family for good, knowing how much more there was to do

Should you be reading this piece, from heaven above
Surely you feel my never-ending love
Before you left, I was not that important to you
And now that you are gone, I pray for strength to start my life anew

As you tried so hard to bite my arm off
I say to you good bye
Stabbing you so far down your head that you let go
I had no right
But your teeth burned like fire
I say to now to go
Stay until your heart is light
And all darkness is gone
I am sorry but that will never happen